A Conversation I Will Never Forget
It happened this way: I was walking down the sidewalk, minding my own business, when I noticed a man rising up out of a manhole cover. There were no cars coming, but it was still a remarkable event and it was hard to say which of the following was most perplexing: first, the man seemed to levitate straight up out of the manhole cover; second, he was hairless; third, he was quite literally red, like a carnation or a pick-up truck; and, fourth, as he rose further out of the manhole, it became clear that he was completely nude, although he seemed to have no genitals, as if he were a mannequin.
He sauntered towards me and I, mouth agape, kept my feet planted squarely where they were.
“How you doing?” he said, pulling a cigarette out of thin air, initiating a conversation I don’t think I’ll ever forget and that I’ll try to reproduce faithfully here.
ME: Fine, thank you — I’m fine.
RED GUY: Good, glad to hear.
[Awkward pause in which the Red Guy smokes and seems to be appraising me, looking me up and down]
RG: Do you sometimes feel like you want something more?
ME: I don’t really know what you mean…
RG: It seems that you might—
ME: Are you trying to sell me something?
RG: [He flicks away his cigarette.] No. …Why would you think that?
ME: I’m not interested.
RG: I’m not trying to sell you anything.
ME: Good, because I’m not buying. [I turn my body slightly, to indicate that I want the conversation to end.]
RG: What sorts of things interest you?
ME: [Abruptly] Are you panhandling?
RG: No.
ME: Even so, I don’t want to talk to you.
RG: Why would you think I’m panhandling?
ME: For clothes.
RG: Ah… Clothes… That’s a funny idea…
[Pause]
RG: …Actually, I’d like to buy something from you.
ME: Clothes?
RG: No…
ME: What?
RG: Can you guess?
ME: I don’t want to talk to you.
RG: It’s something very important…
[I think for a few moments and then have an epiphany.]
ME: [Speaking cautiously] …It’s?
RG: [Iniquitous grin] Yes, that…
ME: [Still cautious] You’re?…
RG: Yes.
ME: I see.
[Pause]
RG: Well?…
[Pause, during which he stares at me and I seriously consider.]
ME: I don’t know…
RG: Make an offer.
ME: Eternal happiness.
RG: I can do that.
ME: …You can?
RG: Yes.
ME: [After some consideration] …If you could do it, I could do it…
RG: Do we have a deal?
ME: [After some more serious consideration] …What’s your plan?
RG: My plan?
ME: …Yes, your plan.
RG: You can trust me.
ME: I want a plan first.
RG: There’s no need, my friend.
ME: I want to see a comprehensive plan — an outline of how you’re going to make me happy.
RG: You’re being unreasonable.
ME: I’m not.
RG: Well… [Makes a broad gesture with hands] We don’t operate that way.
ME: [high, clipped tone] I don’t have to sell, you know.
RG: [As though making a magnanimous concession] Fair enough: First I’d start out with lollipops.
ME: I don’t like lollipops.
RG: Everyone likes lollipops.
ME: No — Marshmallows: start off with marshmallows.
RG: Sex.
ME: No.
RG: A brand new Hummer.
ME: Are you incompetent?
RG: Be careful.
ME: I’m not going to accept.
RG: I can twist your arm a little…
ME: Not unless there’s a contract.
RG: No contracts.
ME: I want a contract that states that at the slightest twinge of dissatisfaction, I get it back, undamaged, as I gave it to you.
RG: Out of the question.
ME: Then go away.
RG: We have a deal.
ME: No, we don’t have a deal.
RG: I think I heard you say—
ME: I promised nothing!
RG: You made a deal.
[A contract and pen appear in mid-air.]
RG: Just sign that.
ME: I promised nothing!
[He attempts to grab my forearm.]
ME: [frightened, closing my eyes, speaking frantically] Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior — I — Our Father — Lord in Heaven — in Heaven let your holy name be known let your kingdom come and your will be done on earth as in heaven give us today the bread that we need and forgive us our wrongs as we forgive those who have done wrong to us do not lead us into trial but save us from evil our father in heaven let your holy name be known let your… [I continue repeating the Lord’s Prayer for several minutes.]
…Eventually I opened my eyes and didn’t see him, and haven’t seen him since. I’ve thought about the incident a number of times, but have yet to come up with any firm conclusions as to why me, why then, and why there.
Alex Starace (alex@professoryeti.com) owns a copy of the Bible, but hasn’t read it all the way through.
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