April Fools!
Let’s go back and learn a brief April Fools’ history about me: when I was a child, between the ages of nine and eleven, I put this great idea into action. Every year, I took red food coloring and dyed our family’s gallon jug of milk pink. That way it looked like Pepto Bismol! Why did I do this? I don’t know. The first year, I must have though it was going to be funny — it wasn’t. (Well, maybe a little to me.) But then the second year, I really don’t know why I did it, especially since I didn’t even bother changing colors — it really wasn’t that funny. (Okay, I still thought it was funny.) And then, by the third year, my primary success was in annoying the hell out of my father — it just wasn’t that good of a joke. (Although you’ve not lived until you’ve seen Wheaties resting in a bowl of pink goop and then watched a dissatisfied person try to eat them. Hilarious!)
In the spirit of the mediocrity of it, in the spirit of the mundane let-down that my family must have experienced at my age-eleven April Fools’ joke, I propose to delve into the speculative: “Can there be worse?”
. . . Yes, indeed, in the caverns of my imagination, I can come up with some even lamer, even sorrier April Fools’ jokes. So here I present to you a fictional April Fools’ joke that’s so pitiful, it’s kind of funny.
One day the young Terrance Frankincense had the irresistible urge to call up Bob Dole and ask him the following question: “Bob Dole? You’re Bob Dole? Can I have some pineapples? Hahahahahahahaha!” But since the age of eight, young Terry had been plagued by the following problem: He didn’t have Bob Dole’s phone number! So every April Fools’ he experienced a sense of woe, of missing out, and he wasn’t able to laugh at the flower that squirted water, the dirt-flavored stick of chewing gum, nor the cellophane over the toilet bowl — all pranks that his friends played to try to cheer him up. It wasn’t until the age of eleven when he got wise: his uncle worked in Washington as a lobbyist, and if he feigned interest in politics, his uncle might, just might, give him Bob Dole’s phone number. So Terry bought a Young Republican button, read Newt Gingrich’s Winning the Future, and glowered whenever his classmates shared cookies or crayons. Before long the uncle took notice of the ambitious young lad, and, with little prodding, vouchsafed Bob Dole’s phone number. On the appointed day, Terry dialed the number, giddy in excitement, and ready to blurt out his side-splitting question. A man (Bob Dole?!) picked up on the other end of the line and said, “Bob Dole’s office,” and so Terry uproariously screamed into the receiver “BobDoleCanIhavesomepineapples!!?? Hahahahahaha!!!” and then plunked down the phone and hopped up in joy, laughing ecstatically.
Later research (none of which was given to Terry) revealed that the person on the other end of the line had not in fact been Bob Dole, but was one of Bob Dole’s many phone-answering interns. Upon questioning, the intern said, “Well, I don’t know. It was some kid. He talked so fast and garbled, I couldn’t understand a word he was saying.” Scientists in the field have yet to determine if the joke would have been more or less pathetic had Terry’s question been intelligible, nor have they determined if the joke would have been more or less hopeless had Terry actually talked to Bob Dole.
Alex Starace (alex@professoryeti.com) has a secret ambition to become a stand-up comedian.
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