This Pope Mess
Hullo, gents. Been something of a bi-week, hasn’t it? Twenty-or-so more Americans died in Iraq, the release of the PSP fostered the vain hope of the defeat of evil in thousands of bepimpled adolescents, Sin City topped the box office, and a puppy named Scootles finally found its way back to Nebraska. Oh, and the Pope died. Had you heard? Because I hadn’t. The twenty-four hour blanket coverage didn’t even come close to cracking my media-proof shell, comprised in equal parts of a full German choir specializing in Brahms and a hive of angry bees. No, chaps, neither the blare of the radio’s constant drone of minute-by-minute updates nor the still more omnipresent water cooler chatter of friends, family and acquaintances could get across the message to me that John Paul II had indeed snuffed it.
“Who died?” I’d ask passersby, and their answer would ring soundlessly in my skull, a final bit of trickery from that greatest of tricksters (and I ain’t talkin’ the Dalai Lama here). But as the Good Book says: a little child shall lead them. Also: on the eighth day he must bring two male lambs and one ewe lamb, each without defect. So, there’s that. In this case, however, the little child ended up being more important than the ewe. I know: not usual. It was a little child named Peter Jennings. I know what you’re thinking, slim. “Good old P.J. got the cancer this week; what does that have to do with this papal trainwreck? And anyway, he’s not a little child! — This is bogus, I’m going home. You can mail me my pants if you find them.” Well, forget about the pants for one second, and concentrate on Peter Jennings, would you? I don’t know why I bother talking to you some times.
Anyway, P.J. finished up his broadcast and, as is often his wont, stopped by my place last Tuesday evening for a snifter and a game of Balderdash. When he defined “Xoopacious” as “having to do with the succession of a pontiff, as ‘John Paul II’s replacement of John Paul I was more xoopacious than most,’” everything clicked. Signore Jennings, as people say in your country: grazie e pluribus unum.
So the Pope is dead. Now you know. I suggest a saltine for that queasiness.
Michael Barker hopes the white smoke will rise for him. He lives, writes and improvises in Chicago. Got spare encyclicals? Send them to michael@professoryeti.com.
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