Eat Your Political Vegetables

“Democracy is not a potato.”
— Sergei Ivanov, Russian Defense Minister

It’s true. Potatoes may be wholesome, and hearty, but they’re also dirty and rather bland and just not that interesting. If democracy is characterized by civic engagement and popular appeal, it’s really more akin to a cherry. Or an apple. Or something . . . fruity and flavorful. Maybe a mango — its sweet, mild flavor soothes the spirit, until you realize that the juices are getting all over your chin, and dripping down onto your new shirt, the one you were planning to wear on your big date next week, and the weird stringy pulp is getting stuck in your teeth, and what the hell is wrong with this fruit that tastes pretty good but gets everywhere, just like democracy, which seems pretty great until you go to the community meeting and people spend over two hours debating the merits of a single pedestrian crossing sign, which might just distract drivers and make them more likely to hit innocent children, just like I heard happened to that boy in Tuscaloosa, and besides, it will also maybe block the path of flying birds and all the endangered egrets will fly into the sign and die and it will be sad, so I say let’s not put up the sign, oh and also (and especially) because that’s our tax dollars they’re wasting, those fucking bureaucrats.

But no matter what democracy is, it’s definitely not a potato. However:

Theocracy is like a French fry — a process steeped in ritual and superficially pleasing, but ultimately unfulfilling. Beneath all the trappings of God and dictatorial infallibility and ketchup and salt, it’s basically the same old potato, only with a greater danger of killing you. But oh how you’ll enjoy it.

Monarchy is like a tomato. No one really knows how it works — is it a fruit or a vegetable, is it run by the batty old queen or the prime minister? It’s also omnipresent, blandly — the Earl of Pizza Sauce, the Duchess of Ketchup, the Prince of Marinara. Popular in its myriad forms, though each is pretty much indistinguishable from the others.

An autocratic dictatorship is like a clove of garlic. Brutally pungent and downright unpalatable in its raw form, tolerable when sautéed for a long period of time. Best when washed down with copious amounts of vodka. In the right, benevolent hands, can be mildly enjoyable, if you don’t worry too much about its long-term effects on your breath and mental well-being.

Anarchy is like a stalk of celery. People say they like it because it’s so pure and simple, but if you ever try it, you discover it’s pretty damn disgusting, and leaves a foul taste in your mouth, and you quickly realize there’s not much substance to it.

Marxism is like a bunch of grapes. At first, everything seems great and plentiful. Not much for each person, but it still seems nice and sweet. Before you know it, though, it’s almost gone, and while no one was looking, everything gets all moldy and rotten, and all the people start complaining, except for those who are drunk from getting a few too many of the fermented ones.

A colonial puppet state is like a pomegranate. It looks all right from the outside, and some people’ll tell you it’s good for the heart, but it’s awfully bitter and falls apart in a mess of red once you try to open it up. Appreciated only by elitist tightasses with too much money; no one else really knows what to make of it or what to do with it.

Doug Mack aspires to be a semi-benevolent dictator of a small, sunny isle. Send world domination plans or other correspondence to doug@professoryeti.com.

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