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I drive a 2002 Ford Focus. It’s the first car I’ve ever really owned, which is a pretty exciting, if bank-account-damaging, fact. I can’t afford to fix it if it breaks, but the thrill of actual ownership makes up for that slight inconvenience. I feel almost like a real adult, with a real life and real possessions. The car itself, however, doesn’t exactly capture the imagination. It’s silver, has a large trunk and a large backseat, and the dashboard controls are laid out logically. The stereo is basic, but will get the bass bumping if it has to. The ass of the car is quite large, which accounts for the several dents in the cheap plastic rear bumper. It’s kept me safe sleeping in the back seat at rest areas and doing donuts in icy parking lots. It’s the kind of practical car that any twentysomething should be happy to have. So why can’t I learn to love it? Could my past be getting in the way of my practical side?
In my youth, from my senior year of high school up until just recently, I drove a 1991 Volkswagen Jetta. It was light blue, with orange rust spot accents around its edges. The radio barely worked and the door latches froze shut every winter. The front bumper was fastened to the car with bolts, and the grille likewise with plastic ties. Every third or fourth time you turned it on it would sputter and cough and die. By all accounts, it sucked. But I loved it.
I loved it when it broke down in the middle of ghetto Chicago and I feared for my life. I loved it when its bad tires sent me spinning off the road during a snowstorm. And I loved it most of all when I plastered it with stickers indicating the different phases of my life (Carleton College! Alta, Utah! 92.1 FNX!). It was with me as I learned to drive a standard shift. It was with me as I learned to change oil and tires. It provided shelter for my first forays into love. It listened to me cry and gave me comfort in the form of long drives when I broke up with a boyfriend or felt frustrated with life. It came along with me on road trip adventures and held more of my friends than a car was ever meant to handle. I called it Zippy, and in reality, it was one of my closest friends.
A few months ago, it became painfully obvious that I needed more reliability in an automobile than the Jetta could provide. The Focus came on the scene, and Zippy was relegated to the front lawn with a For Sale sign stuffed under its forlorn left windshield wiper. It didn’t get a lot of interest — a car that old isn’t exactly in demand — except for a few visits by sketchy individuals who couldn’t pay any of the already low asking price up front. Finally, after weeks of searching, I let it go to a kid who was heading off to college, just like I had been many years earlier. It seemed like a good plan, but as we cleaned out the trunk and took off the license plates I couldn’t help but cry. This new owner had no idea how special this car was. He didn’t know that it was trustworthy and supportive and slightly temperamental and fun and awesome and so much more than just a way to get from proverbial Point A to Point B. I couldn’t hand it over to someone who didn’t understand these things! It would be abused! It would be neglected! But I had to let it go.
And so, the Ford Focus and I have been getting to know each other for almost a year now. We’ve had some good times, of course, but the closeness and intimacy definitely aren’t there. Its slick, shiny exterior and unblemished, high-tech insides seem like a barrier, blocking its true personality. And more important, the car doesn’t say anything about my own personality. No one out there drove a Jetta quite like mine, but the Focus is one of thousands and continues to look like the rest of them despite some carefully placed stickers and those pesky dents in the rear bumper. What is a girl to do?
Pages and pages have been written about how easy it is for people to fall in love with their cars, to personify them and assign them specific personalities. But you can never really understand it until it happens to you. Like a dog, man’s best friend, your car will always stick with you no matter how obnoxious you are, or how dorky, or how mean. As long as you feed it and keep it clean, it will love you unconditionally. And in this modern age of the breakdown of community and the alienation of the individual, we could all use a little unconditional lovin’, even from an inanimate object. So I’ll continue to mourn the loss of the Jetta, with all of its faults and mechanical malfunctions. And perhaps I’ll always love it more than the polished, rounded edges of the Focus. But Focus, if you’re reading this, don’t despair. Give me a few years and, baby, I’ll make you mine.
Erin Quigley (erin@professoryeti.com) plans to drive from New Hampshire to Utah in June.
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