Crime, Crime, and More Crime!
I have a confession to make: I’ve always been fascinated by embezzlement. Or, more accurately, I’ve always thought it would be fun to be an embezzler. And I don’t think I’m alone in my dreams of crime. Kurt Vonnegut, noted author and cultural critic, has said that one of his boyhood heroes was John Dillinger, the famous bank robber and one-time “Public Enemy Number One.” Movies like Thelma and Louise and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid celebrate the attitudes and personas of those who are aligned against the law — criminals aren’t always the bad guys. Besides, who doesn’t love a well-done heist movie? Crime can be normal, glamorous, and grand. Consider that the HBO drama The Sopranos treats Tony Soprano’s involvement in organized crime as a legitimate profession while the movie Goodfellas has the tagline “As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a gangster.” Throw in the centuries-long Anglo-Saxon celebration of Robin Hood and the result is clear: crime may not pay, but it sure is fun to fantasize about.
Why? One reason is the opportunity to subvert the system, to stick it to the man. That’s why I’m so enamored with the idea of embezzling: I could never put on a suit and tie, and work on the fiftieth floor of some downtown skyscraper for a faceless corporation. If I did so, I would feel like a tool, and, heck, I’d be a tool. I hate the idea and I could never do it — unless, that is, I could secretly steal millions of dollars!
As an embezzler, I’d be a sort of an actor, pretending everything was fine as I siphoned off huge flows of cash for myself. Then I’d retire at age 35, move to Aruba, and spend the rest of my life reading novels, writing plays, and sipping gin-and-tonics. Happiness would be mine, and all at the expense of those soul-crushing, environment-destroying business conglomerates that every young liberal loves to hate.
Of course, there’s the other obvious reason any sort of large-scale theft is appealing: having an obscene amount of money would be nice. As William Rehder and Gordon Dillow describe in their book about bank robbery, Where The Money Is,
It happens all the time. A bank employee starts looking at all the cash that passes through his or her hands every day and thinking how nice it would be if some of that money just happened to come home with her at closing time.
It’s understandable. There she is, standing behind a counter all day, her back aching, her arches falling; customers are sullen after waiting in line, and maybe her supervisor is on her case for this or that — and for all the hard work and aggravation she’s pulling down a grand total of what, twenty or twenty-five grand a year? Meanwhile, she’s handling millions of dollars in cash over the course of a year, for a financial corporation that has billions — and really, when you look at the thing in a certain way, who would be hurt if a tiny piece of those millions and billions wound up in her purse?
Yes! Exactly right. Who would be hurt?
Well, usually the person who arranges a large-scale robbery from their own bank, since, according to Rehder and Dillow, nearly all the in-house jobs are done by people who are comically incompetent and who usually get caught within hours of their crime. But, of course, when you’re dreaming about arranging to rob half a million dollars, you don’t usually dream about getting caught, even though you know that if you actually did it, you probably would.
And that’s perhaps why embezzlement and corporate theft has had such an appeal for me. It seems if you do that right, you really won’t get caught. Consider the opening lines of David Leonhardt’s essay “Watch It: If You Cheat, They’ll Throw Money!”, which was collected in Best Business Crime Writing of The Year1, a book edited by James Surowiecki:
There may be only one type of job in which somebody can commit a felony and, after being fired as a result, still receive a severance package worth many years of salary. The job is chief executive of a large corporation.
Over the last decade, many top executives have quietly persuaded their boards of directors to insert a remarkable set of protections into the executives’ employment contracts. The contracts have made the executives nearly immune from dismissal, ensuring that they will receive millions of dollars when they leave their posts, under almost any circumstances.
The article itself is actually quite sophisticated but the opening two paragraphs conjure up an alluring, simplistic, and fantasy-filled image: you’re a CEO and have a severance package of $217 million. Your annual salary is $120 million. Through perks, embezzlements, and other shady dealings, you take in an additional $200 million a year. You own a professional baseball team and life is good. One day, a nosy reporter discovers that some of your dealings aren’t on the up and up. People begin to get suspicious. You shrug, allow yourself to get fired, take your $217 million and buy a house in the Bahamas (and another one in Provence). You watch your baseball team on satellite television, sip daiquiris, and eat fresh pineapples for lunch. Life is still good, especially since it looks like your baseball team is going to make the playoffs.
Such is the life of the CEO — or so I imagine it. And while I’m not asking anyone to like these executives, or feel sorry for them, I do have an honest question: Wouldn’t it be nice to be them? I think it would and I often speculate upon what I would do if I owned the Los Angeles Dodgers.
And so, in the spirit of the fantasy and glamour that comprise our country’s collective vision of the successful criminal, I present to you two of the most bizarre crimes ever committed, along with a mini-essay about embezzlement, and a short biography of one of the most sensational criminals in the history of the United States.
D. B. Cooper
D. B. Cooper didn’t embezzle any money, but he did steal a lot of money and his crime played out like a well-rehearsed daydream. And really, since daydreaming is what we’re all about, it seems well worth mentioning that in November of 1971, Cooper decided to hijack a Boeing 727 that was flying from Portland, Oregon to Seattle, Washington. He wanted $200,000 dollars and four parachutes, and said he had a bomb on the plane that he would detonate if he didn’t get his wish. Since this was before the era of any sort of plane hijackings, the airline didn’t know what to do other than comply. They landed in Seattle, let off all the passengers, and gave Cooper his money and parachutes. Cooper then instructed the crew to fly to Reno and remain in the cockpit with the door closed the entire time. The crew did so and when they landed in Reno and exited the cockpit, they found that Cooper, the money, and one parachute were missing.
Cooper was never found and none of the money was ever spent — it had been marked and never made its way into circulation. Many speculate that Cooper died during the process of parachuting out of the plane but no one knows for sure. In 1980, a few thousand dollars of the marked money were found in the mud along the Columbia River, but authorities were unable to tell if it had been buried there, or simply washed downstream.
Source: A Gallery of Rogues: Portraits in True Crime, by Michael Kurland
Embezzlement
Try as I might to find a great story, there’s nothing truly interesting about embezzling, at least in terms of sensationalistic tales — mostly the fun part is speculating about what you’d do with the money. In my research, I found sentences such as: “When, in 1988, the regulators began to close in on Calvi, he asked the Vatican Bank to help him out and supply proof that it had backed the ten Panamanian companies,” and “While members of the Cabinet tried to run the government with no help from the president, the president’s buddies, who became known as the ‘Ohio Gang,’ set up officekeeping in a small green house at 1625 K Street, which became promptly and logically known as ‘The Little Green House,’” and the especially somniferous “Yet Grubman reiterated his ‘strong buy’ regularly in 2001 because, he said, it had the ‘best assets in the telecom industry.’ Grubman didn’t downgrade WorldCom to a ‘neutral’ until Apr. 22, when the company slashed its revenue targets for 2002. By that time, WorldCom’s shares had dropped about 90% from their peak, to $4.”
Though, in all of this boredom, I did find the following heartening passage: “Embezzlement has ranked as America’s No. 1 financial crime for more than thirty years, and I have no doubt that it will continue to hold that sorry distinction for many years to come. . . . Only about 10 percent of embezzlement cases ever get reported to the authorities. Many companies, leery of negative publicity, are loath to admit that they have been snookered by their own worker, and simply fire the employee and keep the incident under wraps. They just swallow the loss.” So I guess the lesson here is that fudging isn’t quite as risky as you might think . . .
Sources (in order of appearance): Safe as Houses by Sam Jaffa, A Gallery of Rogues: Portraits in True Crime by Michael Kurland, Best Business Crime Writing of the Year edited by James Surowiecki and The Art of the Steal by Frank W. Abagnale
Charles Arthur “Pretty Boy” Floyd
Floyd is a quintessential Depression Era hero. He was a bank robber, murderer, and, like Dillinger, he was at one point proclaimed “Public Enemy Number One.” The tale of his life is full of nearly-too-good-to-be-true details: One of his partners was called Bill “The Killer” Miller; Floyd reportedly got his nickname because the Madame at a Kansas City brothel said to him “I want you all to myself, pretty boy”; he once escaped from a train (by kicking out a window and leaping) that was transporting him to prison; and he and Miller would often throw bills out the window of their getaway car, in order to appease the masses.
Though Floyd freely shot bystanders and guards while robbing banks, he was still a folk hero because he ripped up all the mortgage deeds he could find (thus helping in-debt farmers) and generally expressed the disgruntled, anti-government zeitgeist of the Depression. One representative story of Floyd goes as follows:
[In 1932, Floyd] went after the Sallisaw Bank in Sallisaw, Oklahoma, Floyd’s hometown. Several of the town’s citizens recognized him as he strode down the street towards the bank with a machine gun under his arm.
“Howdy, Chock,” one of them called, using Floyd’s old nickname. “Where you headed?”
“Howdy, Newt,” Floyd replied. “Going to rob the bank.”
“Give ‘em hell, Chock!” another farmer yelled.
Floyd’s bank robbing would last two more years, during which time he had many successful scores, including a $11,352.20 take from a bank in Henryetta, Oklahoma.
But his success was destined to end: in 1934, Floyd was shot in a cornfield near East Liverpool, Ohio, and crumpled to the ground. He had eight bullets in his body and was bleeding to death. An FBI man approached him and asked, mostly out of curiosity, if he was part of the Kansas City Massacre, a shooting spree in which several lawmen were killed. Floyd gritted his teeth and said, “I won’t tell you nothing,” and those were his last words — truly, he was a hero until the end.
Source: A Gallery of Rogues: Portraits in True Crime by Michael Kurland
Alfred L. Cline
Cline’s tale of theft is so macabre, so freaky and strange, that I couldn’t help but include the entire text of it here:
Alfred Cline was a repetitive and methodical wife killer. At least eight times he married women, had them make out wills in his favor, and then took them on vacation. While in some resort hotel, he would give his wife a glass of buttermilk laced with a powerful sedative. He would then summon the hotel’s doctor, claiming that his wife had just suffered “another heart attack.” Then he would give his wife a further, heavier dose of the same sedative, which would kill her. The doctor would give a death certificate certifying heart failure, and Cline would have the body cremated.
In 1945, the authorities in California caught up with Cline. Because all his deceased spouses had been cremated, a case for murder could not be made, but the state was able to prove that he had forged his wives’ signature on various documents to get his hands on their money. Cline was sentenced to 126 years in prison and sent to Folsom Prison, where he died three years later.
Source: A Gallery of Rogues: Portraits in True Crime by Michael Kurland
What can we learn from all this? Probably not much, other than that it’s a bad idea to marry someone who’s been married many times before — though, of course, everyone already knows that. We can also learn that most criminals die unpleasant and premature deaths — which, again, everyone already knows. I guess the main lesson here is that crime doesn’t actually pay, because, alluring as they may be, things like shoplifting are . . . well, who knows, maybe some day you’ll want to try it — it’s how a lot of criminals start.
Alex Starace (alex@professoryeti.com) lives in Minneapolis and works in a restaurant.
1. Surowiecki, the editor of this book, is aware of the absurdity of the existence of a book entitled Best Business Crime Writing of the Year. In the blurb on the back, he says, “A year ago it would have been difficult to conceive of an anthology of stories solely devoted to corporate malfeasance. Today, the challenge has been to keep it to one volume . . . ”
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