Pain in Canada

I am seriously jonesing here. No joke. I’m Canadian . . . well, a dual citizen. So I’m Canadian, and I have no hockey. People think that if you like hockey you have to drink MGD and have a mullet. Not true. I have a college degree, and I miss hockey so much.

Hockey fans are hard up. The other day I checked nhl.com and the best they could do for entertainment was fantasy match-ups between the all-stars of different decades. College hockey just isn’t cutting it. Yesterday I shoulder checked a man into a building as I walked to the coffee shop. It felt good. I also hooked a guy as he was crossing the street. I kept looking around, waiting for the two-minute minor. It never came. I didn’t even have to argue with a ref. I guess you gotta resort to spearing to land in the box these days.

No one wears any gear either. That’s going to lead to more concussions. And nobody has a visor. I mean, did you see what happened to Stevie Y last season? No one wants a puck to the face. Sure, we can’t all walk around wearing goalie gear. Only one per team. And that stuff is bulky. You don’t want to be trying to smooth some lady at the bar in goalie gear. But at least wear a helmet and visor.

I’m not saying that there aren’t good things to this lockout and lost season. If I really wanted to see a mullet now I’d have to go back to Michigan and watch the kids drag the strip from Mt. Pleasant to Shepherd in their pickups. Also the loss of professional hockey further reduces the differences between the United States and Canada. This can only speed the bloody annexation of Canada when the Pentagon informs Bush that the military is stretched thin, and needs a “softer target.”

I will move to Canada, and as their tanks drive slowly into Toronto I will be among the first mounting a resistance, in the tunnel/mall complex that lies beneath the city. There we will scratch a meager existence from the candy bars in the magazine stands, biding our time, waiting for the day.

It will be a long hard slog. America may be stretched thin, but Canada has practically no military, having relied on American protection for so long. Nevertheless I am confident that we will win out, thanks in part to our glorious cause.

We will rise up and retake the city. The banner of freedom that is the maple leaf will once again wave in the cold, cold air. As we stand there, amid the ashes and the rubble, perhaps wincing in the sun we will not have seen in years, we will sing our freedom to the world. We will play hockey.

After a couple of games we will consider taking back French Canada. We will get high instead.

Ian Macleod lives and writes in Minneapolis.

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