The Beer Monks
I like research. I like it a little too much. I’d prefer not to go to the store to buy peanut butter without running a complex cost/benefit analysis of name brands vs. generic brands and consulting taste tests from the internet’s leading authorities. Oftentimes, I’d rather inform myself about a thing than actually experience it. I spend way more time reading about sports than watching or playing them. I am much more likely to push through a couple of movie review sites than to watch a film. I spend more hours reading about music in a week than most people spend listening to it. Hell, at this point I sometimes find myself interested in reading criticism of music critics, which often entails reading counter-criticism of the critic of the initial critic. Before the information age, this sort of slog was largely reserved for academics, and the call of connoisseurship was heard primarily by the idle rich. But nowadays, everyone with idle time can be a connoisseur. There are hundreds of niche sites that feed this urge to know the best of everything, and I visit at least a half dozen every day. None is quite as enjoyable as BeerAdvocate.com.
BeerAdvocate.com (hereafter ‘BA’) was founded in 1996 by two brothers, Jason and Todd Alström, who live in Cambridge, MA. Their site claims 2 million unique readers each month, and there were 529 active users when I happened to log on …early on a Monday afternoon. An estimated 90 percent of these users are men. Men who pride themselves on having burly yet exquisite palettes, and who drink beers with names like the Stone Arrogant Bastard Ale and the St. Bernardus Abt 12.
My favorite part of BA is their Top List, a user ranking of the Top 100 Beers in the world. These are generally beers that you have never heard of, often bearing incomprehensible names. They come from small craft breweries, most often in Europe, and especially Germany and Belgium, although the U.S. has a respectable showing as well. They are usually powerfully flavored, brown, black, deeply red or deeply golden in color, and never, ever translucent. Beer you can see through is sacrilege.
Beers are rated by users on five factors: appearance, smell, taste, mouthfeel, and drinkability. From these, an overall rating is determined, and set on a scale between 0.0 and 5.0. All the user ratings are then compiled into a single, overarching rating between 0.00 and 5.00. There are likely to be hundreds of user reviews of popular beers, and the Alström bros. also have their say. The brothers are usually very fair-minded, resisting the urge to destroy examples of popular mediocrity whenever possible. Budweiser is compared to “drinking a glass of sparkling water,” and described as “pretty much the ‘Wonder Bread’ of beers. Does its job of going down well and being very drinkable … no off flavours either. This makes it clear that this is the mainstream beer for Americans.” Miller Genuine Draft is treated a little more harshly: “There are other macros [beers produced by large macrobreweries] that will do a better job of being totally bland to quench your thoughtless thirst.”
Real bile is reserved for light beers and low carb beers. The most notorious of these brews populate the site’s Top 100 Worst Beers list. The worst of the Worst list looks like this:
- Corona Light
- Michelob Ultra
- Crazy Ed’s Cave Creek Chili Beer
- Bud Light
- Milwaukee’s Best
These five are characteristic of the major varieties of bad beer: light beer, low carb beer (the Michelob Ultra), experimental beer gone horribly wrong (the Chili beer is said to taste like revoltingly spicy & peppery Corona), and plain old crap beer meant to get people under 21 drunk at the lowest possible cost (”the Beast”). It’s enjoyable to read people ragging on these beers. Take Corona Light, which many people view as a very respectable alternative to Bud Light, thanks to its spring-break-in-Cancun aura of Mex-exoticism. “I can’t review this seriously,” writes Todd Alström. “How the hell could anyone honestly spend their hard earned cash on this wanna-be-a-beer? Water is free, and so is urine. Why not drink the two and get nearly double the amount of liquid enjoyment, while saving money while you’re at it?” Low carb beer is panned for the gimmicky fad that it is: “I compare this beer with baked fat free light nacho chips … it’s like eating air, what’s the point?” And here is a technical description of the bouquet of the official beer of my high school class, Milwaukee’s Best: “Astringent grain and cooked cereal adjuncts are all that are in the aroma. Not very appealing.”
Not all cheap beer is treated with such disdain. Even beer snobs recognize that cheap, tasteless beers have their benefit, and Beer Advocate has become my guide to the 12-pack end of the beer aisle as well as the single-bottle end. Sometimes you want beer, sometimes you want water, and sometimes you want both, in which case you drink Pabst. But Pabst only scores a 2.90 on the BA scale. Can I make a better selection at the tap or in the grocery aisle? PBR’s chief challenger for the crown of cheap hipster beer these days seems to be Miller High Life, which rates a slightly worse 2.87. The official beer-water of my college-town bar, Busch Lite, logs a putrid 1.96 — the 8th worst beer in the world. Budweiser gets a 2.32, but what about the highly-marketed new Budweiser Select? Despite costing far more, the Select currently holds a lower rating than normal Budweiser: 2.21! The best of the cheap American macro-brewed lagers appears to be “the beer that made Milwaukee famous,” Schlitz. It logs a score of 2.95, and is written up affectionately by both Alström brothers.
On the other end of the spectrum are the world’s finest beers. The most common styles on the Top List are stouts, porters, barley-wines, IPAs (India Pale Ale) and the most-hallowed of all beer strains, the Belgian strong dark ales, which are often marked dubbel, tripel, and quadrupel in accordance with how much extra malt is added. Like many things loved by connoisseurs, these beers are largely an acquired taste and the uninitiated will likely hate them. Generally, the best beers are the most powerfully-flavored and highly alcoholic. Characteristic of these beers is the Stone Double Bastard (#24 overall), a more powerful and alcoholic version of the aforementioned Arrogant Bastard ale, and perhaps my personal favorite beer. It’s a barley-wine style ale, and it’s 10 percent alcohol: much closer to the strength of your average wine (12 percent) than your average beer (4-6 percent). The Double Bastard is so well thought-of because it is very smooth and highly drinkable for a barley-wine; nonetheless it is an intensely robust concoction that nearly numbs the tongue. The beer’s label contains a lengthy diatribe about how the reader is probably neither worthy nor manly enough to appreciate what’s inside: “This is one lacerative muther of a beer. It is unequivocally certain that your feeble palate is grossly inadequate and thus undeserving of this liquid glory…and those around you would have little desire to listen to your resultant whimpering.”
A curious aspect of the BA Top 100 is one beer that does not appear there: Guinness. There is a time in any budding snob’s life when he is introduced to Guinness. I believe that every beer connoisseur has, at one time, considered Guinness to be the finest beer in the world. When people told me about the God of Guinness when I was 19, I believed them. I didn’t like the stuff too well, but I hid the fact. Determined to be a man of taste, I pretended to like Guinness on two continents, even going so far as to take a pilgrimage to the Guinness Brewery at St. James Gate in Dublin. There I pretended to like Guinness even harder than I had done in other places. But as BA reveals, the greatness of Guinness is largely a construct of a perfect pedigree and terrific marketing. The beer itself is a little thin, and tastes unpleasant next to the great porters and stouts. The fact that it’s very hard to get a good Guinness in America compounds the problem, but Guinness is over-hyped even when poured from the source. Try one next to a Fuller’s London Porter or a Rogue Chocolate Stout and be demystified forever.
The top beer on the BA list, and the site’s de facto best beer in the world, is the Trappist Westvleteren 12, a Belgian quadrupel brewed by Trappist monks in the Abbey of Saint Sixtus of Westvleteren in Flanders, Belgium. If there is a holy place in the world of beer, it is figuratively and literally the Westvleteren Abbey, which also boasts the third-best beer in the world, the Trappist Westvleteren 8. (The difference between the two brews is that the 12 is brewed with four times as much malt as would ordinarily be used, hence ‘quadrupel’, while the 8 is only brewed with twice as much: a ‘dubbel’.) I have not had either of these beers, for they are nearly impossible to get a hold of. The monks sell them from out of the Abbey itself, selling only to individual customers and making each customer promise not to sell the beer to others. If you make a pilgrimage to the Abbey — which I fully intend to do later in life — you can purchase a crate of 24 bottles (11.2 oz. each) of the Westvleteren 12 for 25.50 euro, plus a hefty deposit on the bottles and crate. Disregarding the deposit money, that’s about $33 U.S. dollars, or $1.35 per bottle. A few such bottles make it to America, where they are re-sold for a staggering $9-13 per slender bottle.
The closest I’ve come to the Westvleterens is the relatively popular Chimay. Sadly, Chimay is the Guinness of Belgian beers: a good introduction to the style, but over-hyped and a bit disappointing. Still, my spiritual journey towards being a true beer connoisseur continues: two other Belgians are regarded nearly as highly as the Westvleterens: the Trappistes Rochefort 10 and the St. Bernardus Abt 12. These are more widely available, and I’m pretty sure they have at least one of these sitting on a store shelf somewhere in the Portland metropolitan area. And thanks to BeerAdvocate, I’ve done the week’s worth of research that can lead to the two hours’ worth of wage-earning that can lead to the hour’s worth of driving that can lead to the thirty minutes of preparatory work that can lead to the few seconds in which I take my first sip of this mythic liquid majesty.
Chris Leslie-Hynan used to drink Pig’s Eye (rating: 2.51).
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