Roman Senators, Fear Not
Caro Magister Yeti,
Sum senator romanus, et nescio quomodo hic adveni. Sed hic habitabam 2 menses et vita est nequamquam mala. Habeo una difficultas — nemo me intellegere potest. Scio tu es doctus et ingenius. Visne me iuvare? Gratias tibi ago.
Marcus Aurelius, Detroit
Ave Marcus,
Eximius est supervixisti ad hodie. Ille factum singulariter oportet te placere. Calleo difficultatam tuam; hominis non me intellegere potest quando loquor Yeti. Te moneo coniungere factio musicae. Par amor musica non coacta lingua est. Quoque potes considerare amovendum ad Civtatem Vaticanam.
Salve,
Magister Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
My cell phone is my best friend. His name is Dudley and he’s always there to keep me company, and only too happy to reunite me with the voices of my loved ones. Every night I tuck Dudley into bed with me, knowing that with him, I’ll never be alone. My girlfriend has a major problem with this. She say’s I’m spending way too much time with Dudley and that it’s unhealthy. I think she’s just jealous. How can I get my girlfriend to accept the fact that I need to spend time with my other friends too?
Orn Bondarchuk, Lennoxville, Quebec
Dear Orn,
I am unaware of any studies demonstrating any true merit to human relationships with inanimate objects. Though “he” has a name and is capable of making noises, even of indirectly transmitting thoughts and feelings, Dudley is not a sentient being, and therefore patently incapable of affection or reflection. Your classification of him as your “friend” is therefore troubling — it reminds me of my cousin Hab’s “best buddy, ” an invisible polar bear named Mister White. But Hab is three years old and also eats owl pellets; you, being old enough to have a girlfriend and a cell phone, should have overcome all such tendencies.
You would do well to find friends of a more intelligent, living, breathing variety. As you seem to understand on at least a basic level, it is paramount that you interact with more than just one person — human lives are formed based on relationships, and the ongoing vitality of culture and society is based on the constant expansion of social networks. Therefore, your girlfriend is in the wrong if she complains that you should speak only to her. Just tell Little Miss Grumpy that Professor Yeti and his esteemed colleague Robert Putnam would like to remind her that there is more intrinsic value in “bridging” social capital than in the “bonding” variety. If this doesn’t make sense to her, she is probably not worthy of your affections.
Call me anytime,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
I accidentally got some of my SuperPremiumEuro3000 Bike Chain MiracleLube on my brand-new Gore-Tex MicroClimaLight SuperStretch soft shell. Any tips for getting the stain out?
Ann Lankap, Santa Cruz
Dear Ann,
I’ve a confession for you: In spite of my graceful stride and genteel manner, I am a bit of a klutz, in part because most household items are designed for those with smaller (and less hirsute) hands. Just yesterday, I was having some tapas with some friends, and I spilled some delectable sauce on my new trousers — a sauce that contained quail broth, port and tomatoes, making it divine on the palate and disastrous on the cloth. The uncouth maitre d’ rushed over with a glass of club soda, which I was able to wrest from his grasp before he could exacerbate the situation. As you surely know, water only dilutes grease-based stains, in the process making them much larger.
Now, because I am acutely aware of my tendency to spill things, I always carry with me a small vial of my mother’s famous stain remover, a wonderful concoction made of various ground roots, algae and, counterintuitively, tree sap. I shall send you a sample, if you wish. In the meantime, however, and for the many bike-aficionado readers who do not have access to this splendid spot-stopper, here’s what you should do, according to my dear friend Bob, who is even more of an expert in such matters than I: First, try just rubbing them with some corn meal. Then, rub in some liquid laundry detergent and wash it on warm. Air dry. (Do not get it within 50 feet of an actual mechanical dryer; those machines are nothing but trouble.) That should work.
Spot on,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
I’m having a party to honor the twenty-fifth anniversary of the Post-It Note. Any thoughts on party favors?
Gene Johnson, Woodbury, Minnesota
Dear Gene,
It is with great agony and fortitude that I restrain myself from mocking you, for the answer you seek is incredibly obvious. But it is my duty as an advice columnist to answer imbecilic questions, and so I shall.
Post-It Notes. You should give people Post-It Notes. Post-It Notes in various colors and in various shapes. And the Notes’ myriad offspring, such as Post-It Flags and Post-It Bowties, a favorite of mine. Post-It Notes. Write it down.
Not so stuck on you,
Professor Yeti
Professor Yeti is a world-famous expert and advice columnist. His esteemed assistant is Matt Dorbin. Please send correspondence to: professoryeti@professoryeti.com.
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