Great Power Does Not Equal Great Barbeque
Dear Professor Yeti,
I wanna have a gigantic, humongous blowout of a Fourth of July party this year, complete with a hog roast, a fireworks show and a stage production saluting the U. S. of A. and showing all those sissy-ass Europeans with their failed constitution why we’re the greatest country ever. Power is our strength, and this is going to be a party of power and might and all that is moral and good. I got the fireworks and the stage show all set up, so that’s all good, and I special-ordered the pig from Slim’s Swine down the road in Gomerville, but I have no idea how to roast the darn thing. I’ve never done it. I can’t ask my family — they’ll laugh me out of the tri-state area if they know I’m like a blind duck in the big, bad bayou when it comes to cooking a beast of that size.
Pat “The Patriot” Pendergast, Paducah, KY
Dear Pat,
Because you seem to possess boundless intellectual curiosity, or at least an unhealthy obsession, with concepts of power and in the founding precepts of the United States as an autonomous nation, I offer you a quote from one of the central “Founding Fathers,” a gentleman by the name of James Madison: “Power, wherever lodged, is liable, more or less, to abuse.” Power leads to ego and pride, and I suspect your Mama taught you about the whole pride-fall before-after thing.
That said, you seem to be applying your personal power and wealth to a worthy cause — bringing the family together for a feast and pyrotechnics. Kudos. Just don’t let your party-planning powers consume you. If this whole event was your idea, you’ve already taken care of most of the components, no one will complain if you delegate the hog-roasting — in fact, if you insist on doing this as well as everything else, your family will likely regard you as a control-freak quasi-despot. To quote another great American, Spiderman’s uncle, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Including, Pat, the responsibility to delegate. Let your better-trained kin do the cooking. They’ll welcome the opportunity, and as long as you don’t mention your culinary failings, they will be blissfully unaware.
Always on full power,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
Thank you for your recent purchase of one (1) DuraBox, the only mailbox guaranteed not to break, ever, for any reason, “Even if you hit it with a sledgehammer”! It is loyal, valued customers like you who have made DuraBox the number-three selling mailbox in North America! As thanks for your purchase of (1) DuraBox, we would like to extend to you a limited-time offer of a five-year warranty for the price of a three-year warranty! With this warranty, you will receive prompt service and, if needed, a replacement DuraBox, should there be any problems with your DuraBox. You can’t put a price on peace of mind, but just look at how much you’ll save: over 30 percent! Send in the enclosed form with your check or money order today to get this great discount!
Lois Horsten, DuraBox Corp.
Dear Ms. Horsten,
Thank you for your correspondence. Enclosed, please find what remains of my DuraBox (I couldn’t find all of the pieces). After a drunken maniac crashed his car into my previous mailbox, I thought it prudent to buy a sturdier receptacle for the copious amounts of mail I receive each day. Before installing it, however, I decided to test your claims of the product’s superior strength and durability. You might be interested to know that, at least if you are a yeti and therefore 30 percent more muscular than even the most steroid-enhanced baseball slugger, you can, in fact, utterly destroy the DuraBox with a mere two blows of a sledgehammer. It rather explodes, with a satisfying ripping noise.
Given that your product failed to meet the advertised standards of performance, I respectfully request that you refund the full amount of the cost of one (1) DuraBox.
Thank you,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
I work in a building that has several conference and event rooms, one of which is located directly across the hall from my office. Right now, as I write, there is an elementary band concert taking place next door, and it’s driving me insane. These kids can’t carry a tune. The drummer pounds seemingly randomly and there’s one saxophone that screeches like a manic cat just about every third measure. Every time the band starts to really, really lose it, which is often, the conductor — a chatty, too-perky nutjob who has an inane story to go with each song — stops them and makes them start over. I can’t take it any more. Should I pull the fire alarm right now, and end everyone’s misery immediately, or is it better to wait until the end of this song (which could be another fifteen minutes) so that the kids won’t panic as much and everyone will be a bit more orderly as they exit? I mean, I don’t want any fourth-graders being crushed to death in a mass rush to the doors. But this needs to stop.
Elliot O’Neal, Landmark, Minnesota
Dear Elliot,
I understand your plight. When I was a young yeti, I was visiting some friends in British Columbia, having a lovely champagne brunch on a tranquil beach, when an extended family of birds landed nearby to practice their calls. Bird songs can be melodic and charming, to be sure, but it is my experience that they offer up such sweet music only in the vicinity of humans. I believe it’s part of a scam to keep birdwatchers enthralled and continually traveling throughout uncharted territory — a friend of mine, a cardinal who asks that I not use his name, says that robins in particular are known to be major stakeholders in binoculars companies.
In any event, birds, you should know, are less soulful in their singing in remote, wooded locals. There, they screech and rasp and chant dirty ditties and practice their warbling. And so it was that my lovely brunch was utterly destroyed by a large group of birds “singing.”
I threw a stick at them, and they quickly dispersed. This is not a wise solution for your conundrum, however. And neither is pulling the fire alarm — no matter the timing, you still run the risk of some tuba-toting, top-heavy kid falling face-first as he scampers down the stairs, and later suing you. Instead, I suggest that you play some music on your computer, at maximum volume. This will drown out the torturous sounds emanating from the other room.
Hear what I’m saying?
Professor Yeti
Professor Yeti is a world-famous expert and advice columnist. Please send correspondence to: professoryeti@professoryeti.com.
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