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Because turning on the computer is usually the first or second thing I do every morning, my first glimpse into the window of the world each new day is my MSNBC homepage. My drowsy browser-loading feels like the modern life equivalent of the yawning man in his slippers stepping out onto his stoop to collect the morning paper in some vision of classic Americana. Much like this man, I peruse the headlines while rubbing my eyes, wondering what the sports commentators will have to say and what has blown up since I fell asleep. This is how I found out about 9/11. My morning browser-loading has been a little tinted by 9/11 ever since &mdash: one of the very few acts, perhaps the only act, to have been concretely and permanently influenced by “the unpleasantness.” The ten minutes I spent on MSNBC is probably the only arresting remembrance I have of 9/11. I remember, at first, grumbling and wondering why the site was taking so long to load. (Whenever the site is slow to load nowadays, I think there has been another terrorist attack.) For a long time the upper template was all that was visible. The links said: “MSN Home | My MSN | Hotmail | Shopping | Money.” Then some text filled in. The main headline and pictures weren’t coming up, but I could see some very unusual things in the captions that scrolled off past the right edge of the screen. (Imagine being the web designers, at this point. Trying to hold it together as this unfolded. Beginning to crack. Making rookie mistakes. Forgetting the occasional <br>.)
At last, the page loaded completely. Filtering somewhere amidst the great mental confusion of those moments, I noted that they were using the Super Bowl font. Then I stopped for a few moments to listen to the song I was playing at the time: Radiohead’s Amnesiac b-side “Worrywort.” “It’s such a beautiful day. It’s such a beautiful day,” Thom Yorke proclaimed. A little tender autumn breeze filtered through my open window. Outside, a cloudless day was blooming over the prairie. It would be unseasonably warm and fine. (Later, in the chapel balcony, it was almost stifling. Sweat made my scalp itch as I sat and listened to the muffled sobs popping off among the pews.) …I turned back to the computer, to refresh the browser. At this point the second plane hit, and MSNBC went down, causing me to wonder: “What is a reliable news source that most people overlook, that can give me my 9/11 information with a reasonable load time?” It was only when I was frozen out of CNN.com and BBCWorld.com that I stepped out into the hall.
This morning the sidebar headline on MSNBC was how Saddam Hussein, while we have him imprisoned in an undisclosed locale, has developed a great love for Doritos, but hates Fruit Loops. Saddam used to like Cheetos, but then they ran out. He sulked at first, but once they gave him Doritos he hasn’t really looked back. Saddam isn’t the nostalgic sort, I guess. Apparently he can down a Family Size bag of Doritos (32 oz.) in 10 minutes. I wish they had said what flavor.
Last December 27th, where Saddam’s picture and the word “Doritos” in bold font sat today, sat a photograph of football legend Reggie White, who had died unexpectedly during the night at the age of 43. White’s death held the sidebar only because the other top story of the day was of somewhat more concern: the Asian tsunami. Curiously, in Wisconsin, the order of the stories was reversed: the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel ran its story about the passing of their beloved Packers Left Defensive End, “Defense Rests,” as the headliner. The tsunami actually took up more of the newspaper page, but it ran beneath.
I intend no criticism towards this decision, but I kind of wonder who made it, and what they talked about. There had to be some argument about this, presumably taking place around a table in the newspaper office littered with Ziploc bags and the crumbs of leftover Christmas turkey sandwiches. Did someone ever say: “If we lead with this tsunami thing, we’re going to have some angry Packers fans to deal with?” Perhaps not, but I wonder what wonder what sort of letters the Journal-Sentinel did get. They certainly left themselves open to be skewered by humanists in the editorial pages. There probably were people, perhaps beloved of those lost in the Indian waves, who felt that the dead were trivialized by running underneath the obituary of a football star, a man who, though by all accounts a pillar of strength in every sense that that term is used, and possessing of an excellent ability to both stop the run and get to the QB with his celebrated club move, was, it cannot be denied, only a fake gladiator, and also, in his own way, a homophobe, somewhat prone to looking the fool, and, strangest of all, a racist against his own people.
That said, I cannot but feel a little homeland pride for the decision the Journal-Sentinel made. It was politically incorrect — courageously so. Faced with the choice between the noble, impeccable, humanistic response and the selfish, indefensible, human response, they chose the latter. And in doing so, they gave the Wisconsin people what they wanted. It is uselessly self-evident to comment on the appalling irony of a populace caring more about the death of one man &mash; who may have been a hero, but whose feet of clay were creeping up towards his knees — than about the deaths of 20,000 people (which was the reported number of casualties as of that day; less than one tenth of the eventual total) but nonetheless, Wisconsin did care more about Reggie White than the Asian tsunami, which I think was only a natural human response. And from a practical standpoint, the Journal-Sentinel was in the position to give a good deal of unique coverage to White’s death, whereas they knew they could shed no new light whatsoever on the tsunami, which everyone knew about already.
But let us return to the important business at hand. Our regime is a Doritos and Cheetos regime. I can’t but think that this ranks pretty low on the Representative Salty Snacks Index of World Powers. Except for Argentina (Combos) and Pakistan (Funyons), we are right at the bottom. Can you imagine Churchill offering his prisoners Doritos, even the Guacamole kind? No way. Anchovies, perhaps — with a cigar. He might dish out some gross foods, but they would have prestige.
Having, since an early age, eaten every variety of salty snack food that I could get my hands on &mash; and I particularly like odd brands and ‘experimental’ flavors — I feel pretty qualified to pass judgment on this point. There are a lot of better choices than Doritos, folks. Imagine your favorite world leaders and national political figures in the snack aisle. What do they pick out for Saddam Hussein? I think Bill Clinton would have gone with Sun Chips. An old favorite of mine. French Onion all the way. Al Gore? Snyder’s of Hanover sourdough pretzels. Perhaps unsalted. John Kerry seems like a Newman’s Own Light Microwave Popcorn guy. Something tells me Dick Cheney eats Corn Nuts. They’re little, not overly flavorful, and hard as hell. He was born in Nebraska, so I suppose they’re both ‘Corn Gone Wrong.’
Turning to some thoughtful picks, Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold would buy Saddam a bag of Mesquite BBQ or Jalapeno Krunchers. Krunchers are a good regional brand out of the Midwest, owned by Jay’s, who also make O-Ke-Doke popcorn. (Careful, though, Saddam, Jalapeno Krunchers are the only food to ever give me an MSG gut-ache. I think I have a pretty high MSG tolerance, but if you really shovel those guys down, they will get you.) In the Pacific Northwest we have Tim’s Cascade Snacks, another excellent choice. San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom might be a Tim’s guy. They have a dizzying array of flavors. I recommend Sweet Maui Onion and Wasabi.
But to get to my point at last, a truly kind and liberal regime would provide its prisoners with Kettle Chips. I long resisted this noble brand, because they were usually in the Health & Organics section, and I never used to go there, and because most Kettle Chips come in small, cost-ineffective bags. I was a real down-and-dirty potato chip hick for a number of years, but everything changed when I discovered the Krinkle Cut varietal of Kettle Chips, which come in big pound bags and look like Ruffles except made out of actual pieces of potato. These come in four flavors: Salt & Pepper, Jalapeno Cheddar, Dill & Sour Cream and Lightly Salted. Even the Lightly Salted ones are excellent. They are even relatively healthy: they’re all low in fat for chips (12% fat, 5% saturated per ounce), and they’re the only chips I’ve seen to use a good deal of potassium to reduce their sodium content. It is my belief that the ideal American government would serve its political prisoners Lightly Salted Krinkle Cut Kettle Chips. That said, Dill & Sour Cream are the best.
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