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Yeti sources were shocked yesterday upon learning that the once-proud Democratic party would be splitting into two distinct entities. Just before press time it was confirmed a faction within the Democrats would be creating a new party that would work inde-pendently of traditional Democrats. The party would be called the “Un-Republican” party.
Speaking while wearing a hood to protect his identity the voice of this new party said, “In this day and age it is important to have a message. You need to give the people a message. We have a bold new message. That message is “We are not the Republican party.” For years the Democrats have wasted time on issues of justice and tolerance. What the American people want is simply a party that is slightly less fascist than the Republicans.”
This announcement marks only phase one of the differentiation. The Un-Republicans hope in 2005 to use their party to cluster fuck a whole host of local elections. By the time of the 2006 mid-term elections the new party hopes to have a place on the nation’s ballots. Voters would be invited to choose between: Democrat, Republican, or “For the love of God just not a Republican.”
When asked if he was worried that the new party would draw votes away from the Democrats, thus hurting their election chances Party Chair Dean responded with force and conviction. “No. I am not. You see, for the past few years we have been cowards. We have been such cowards that many of the American public are now ashamed of us, and too ashamed to vote for us. With no alternative, these civic minded people, for whom not voting is unthinkable, vote for Republicans. We feel this new party will only siphon off votes from the Republicans. It will work like a countermeasure to the Green Party.”
Ralph Nader could be seen standing alone in the rain.
Very early polling shows Puerto-Rico going to the Un-Republican Party. However, as Puerto-Rico has no electoral votes, it means precisely dick all to the major parties that this might happen. Upon hearing of this Vice President Cheney even went so far as to publicly urinate on a map of Puerto-Rico. As he did this he could be heard muttering, “This is what we do to deadbeats. Give us the money Puerto-Rico, give us the money.”
Reaction so far has been mixed. Several pundits have taken up the bandwagon of the new party. Chris Mathews, for one, is excited, saying he will host a special 48 hour yellathon to raise money for the new party before attempting to demolish it in the press. Screamed Mathews, “As long as their talking heads are loud, and come to play hardball, they’re alright in my book.”
Others were more guarded. Anne Coulter said, “I don’t know. Things that aren’t Republican sound awfully suspicious to me these days. Also their talking heads will not look as sexy as ours. It is a well-known fact that Republican women are sexier than the other parties. I mean, just look at me, and Barbara Bush.” Coulter then proceeded to devour her boyfriend like a praying mantis, emitting ghoulish slurping sounds all the way.
At press time it is impossible to confirm rumors of a Republican splinter party forming under the banner of the “Schadenfreude Party.”
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