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I’ve finally found the ultimate way to relax after the stresses of my work-a-day life! This is the miracle cure! I’m telling you that you need to get into this on the ground floor. It’s called yogatherapy. I mean look at it, sitting there on the page. Just by it being yogatherapy and not yoga therapy, it’s like four hundred times more powerful. This isn’t therapy that you get in yoga form. It’s yogatherapy!
And oh my crap is it ever great! Here’s how it works. I go into the session, which is a little like bikram yoga. The temperature is really high, so that I work up a good sweat while I’m doing it. They play this relaxing music in the background too. It’s not that newagey sounds-of-rain type shit either. This is just good music that happens to chill you out. So you get a good sweat going in this really hot room, and then they make you take these weird positions that rely on you supporting yourself with your hands. When you’re in some of them they ask you questions.
In my first yogatherapy session we dealt with the fact that my father never hugged me, and never really showed his love. I also aligned my chakras.
I cried a lot in that first session. I cried doing sun salutations. I cried in bear stance. I cried most in the fetal position. When I went home that night I felt cleansed. That night a slept like a baby. I slept like a baby who’s father hugged him, and I went back the next week.
Now, with twenty people attending every yogatherapy session you might think this would be a little uncomfortable . . . I mean, that’s a lot of people to be telling your deepest darkest secrets to. But they have masks that you can wear in case you want to stay anonymous. Those are a little hot to wear in the room though. I just sweated it out. After a little bit I felt a lot more comfortable with the whole thing, though. It turned out that all of us had the same problem. None of us were hugged enough. This had the dual effect of simplifying the therapy, and making us all feel at ease. Sometimes after a session the whole class goes out for frosty chocolate milkshakes.
Our instructor is a really great lady too. Her name is Janice. She starts off every session by going right up to you and giving you a big hug. You’ve never felt so welcome. She’s such a cheerleader, too. When she starts asking personal questions, and you start crying, she’s right there to tell you, “GO! Cry your little heart out, you dear!”
I’m telling you here and now. Until you’ve been holding yourself off the floor with your hands, while bawling your eyes out in the fetal position, you don’t know calm. You should try it. Spinning is for losers.
Ian Macleod lives and writes in Minneapolis.
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