Just Say No to Being a Mascot
Dear Professor Yeti,
I’m the owner and founder of Big Dan’s Clothes For the Big Man, a chain of big and tall clothing stores in the upper Midwest. I’ve been trying to come up with a new ad campaign to set my stores apart from the crowd (this is a hugely competitive business!), and I think you just might be the key.
You’re big, you’re tall: Would you be willing to become a mascot of sorts for my stores and star in the television commercials? Give me a call and we’ll talk terms.
Dan Brower, Hudson, Wisconsin
Dear Dan,
No. A clever idea, perhaps, but I do not think the end result for either of us would be anything approaching a positive one.
Like most yetis, my tendency is toward solitude away from uncouth loudmouths like (presumably) yourself. I’ve no interest in being on television, and certainly harbor no ambitions to stand out on some forlorn curb and wave a sign. Additionally, I know for a fact that you do not, in fact, have any clothes that will fit me — I’ve not had any luck at your stores, and my poor Aunt Emma still has to make all my apparel.
As for your end, I think you’d find I’d make a rather poor ”mascot.” I don’t exude the sort of exaggerated friendliness and amusement of the costumed folk who usually fill these roles, and I often scare children.
Please do let me know if you run across any 50 x 65 pants, though.
Livin’ large,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
Why do ”twin pop” popsicles have two sticks? What possible purpose could that serve?
Sharon Uhlman, Daly City, California
Dear Sharon,
You’ll notice that the center of so-called ”twin pops” is thin to allow them to be broken apart. The two sticks allow you to easily share half of your popsicle with someone else. It’s a summertime gesture of friendship, and it keeps it from dripping all over the place before you have a chance to eat it.
Stay cool,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
Don’t people who talk loudly on their cell phones while waiting next to you in line piss you off?
Gerald Haverhill, Oak Park, Illinois
Dear Gerald,
You seem to have sent a statement masquerading as a question, but I have a few thoughts regardless.
Certainly, people without cell phone manners are a bane of this modern life. But instead of getting angry, I usually deal with the situation by inserting myself into their conversation — counseling that she really should break up with him or that the deal might not have fallen through if he weren’t so pushy. Granted, this may be easier to do when one has the large body mass and intimidating intellect of a yeti.
And needless to say, please practice what you preach. I do my best to be considerate when using my own phone in public, though the phone’s poor reception — I have to use a 1992 model so that it doesn’t disappear into my palm — usually keeps me from disturbing anyone since it won’t work indoors.
Ring ring,
Professor Yeti
Professor Yeti is a world-famous expert and advice columnist. Please send correspondence to: professoryeti@professoryeti.com.
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