Professor Yeti

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan faced a barrage of questions this morning. This is not in itself unusual in the Washington echo chamber. However, the reason for these questions was. Reports have begun to surface that President Bush has taken to a very strange morning breakfast. Saying that it is important to his continuing fight against terrorism, the President has made a habit of starting his day with what he calls his “freedom scramble.”

Along with his usual bowl of porridge and two slices of toast, the President now has two bald eagle eggs, scrambled, with a dash of milk, and some sharp cheddar. Also strange is his recent insistence that the top of his toast be buttered, while the bottom must be covered with a thin layer of mango salsa. When questioned about the salsa Bush replied, “Mango, it’s just a funny word . . . mango . . .”

On the subject of the bald eagle eggs he was much more insistent. “Listen. Fighting for the freedom of this nation is a hard and terrible thing. I need those eggs. Like Superman without the rays of our precious yellow sun, or like the Green Lantern without that key ring thingy of his . . . say, no one ever told me what was up with that. Just a weird super hero that guy. Anyway, without the sweet buttery flavor of bald eagle eggs I would be powerless. I’ve got a hell of a second term lined up, and I need every ounce of strength I can get to insure the freedom of our fair nation.”

McClellan was, as usual, left to make sense of the president’s remarks. After descending into the bowels of the White House, to the padded cell of his predecessor Ari Fleischer he emerged with this to say, “Look, I know, it doesn’t sound very nice. You hear it and you think about how they’re endangered and all. But I know things. They gave me a very high security clearance, and one of the things I’ve learned with it is that we have a secret bald eagle breeding program that’s actually doing really well. Bush heard about how ancient Aztecs used to eat the hearts of their enemies to gain their power. He was all, ‘Whoa, those guys were bad ass.’ The next thing we knew he was trying to rip Senator Kennedy’s heart out and eat it at a bipartisan breakfast. We didn’t want him dying of alcohol poisoning so we redirected his attention. We told him that nothing could be more free than a bald eagle, and that if he ate bald eagle eggs he would gain their freedom. It’s as simple as that.”

Eating endangered species is not as uncommon as one might think. Destroying a treasured symbol of America is a different matter. Such actions are not without precedent though. Several presidents are said to have strange symbolic quirks. Nixon was said to find a “beautiful catharsis” in the burning of the American flag.

Silas D. Boonhauser of the American Lawyers for Confederacy had this to say, “Look, I find it disgusting, but what you have to realize is that he is a wartime president, and historically wartime presidents have been afforded great liberty to be raging assholes.”

Said Boonhauser, “And let’s face it. Freedom is delicious.”

Ian Macleod lives and writes in Minneapolis.

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 24th, 2005 at 10:47 am and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.