Contacting Jesus

Strange as it sounds, I’ve always wanted to talk to Jesus. In my efforts to do so (yes, I’ve made efforts), it’s occurred to me that a more gullible soul may have done it already, whereas I have failed. It’s not that I don’t try; it’s just that I expect too much. Case in point: a few weeks ago, I was lying in bed in the afternoon thinking about ol’ J.C., half trying to take a nap, half just relaxing, in that delicious, semi-conscious state where I could hear some sounds from outside my window, but they weren’t fully registering and my thoughts were tumbling, tumbling away from me . . .

And then: Loud vooming noise! A flash of light across the ceiling!

Startled, sitting bolt upright and fully conscious, I thought, “Wow!” and then lay back in bed, once again thinking of the King of Men as I tried to re-fall-asleep. It was only a few minutes later, after I was sure my nap had been frustrated, that the insight came to me: I had been thinking of Jesus as I was drifting in and out of consciousness and in recognition of this, perhaps he had sent me a loud vooming noise and a flash of light across the ceiling. Perhaps I had talked to Jesus.

I had expected a full conversation, perhaps a meal. I wanted to spend time with the man — I mean if he’s pretty much God, I’d expect him to be infallibly cool. But of course my desires, my expectations were preposterous. And so they should have been — I knew enough about the world around me to know that a creaky door isn’t a ghost, that Jesus doesn’t just fly down out of the sky and hang out with non-religious, twenty-four-year-old men, and that, no matter how much I want them to, woodland animals don’t talk, not even to each other.

My secure knowledge of this is, in a way, a shame — collectively, the sense of wonder modern people can experience at the sight of natural and daily phenomena is somewhat diminished, simply because we know so much about them. Even extraordinary things like tornados and tidal waves aren’t quite as extraordinary when they’ve been classified, organized and put down in books — you can learn all about the causes of tornados, and see where and when the worst tornados took place, and then realize, through historical context, that the tornado you experienced really wasn’t that amazing.

This is not to say that this is a bad thing — the benefits of technology and knowledge far, far outweigh what gets left behind — but it does mean that there’s been a certain edge taken off of everyday life. Consider Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Witches play a prominent role in the opening scenes, and while this might seem quaint now, it must have been terrifying back in 1606. At the time, no one had electricity or running water, nor did folks know much about anything.1 People’s houses were relatively pathetic little pieces of work, drafty in the winter, leaky when it rained, and fetid in the heat of summer. And, despite the fact that London was one of the biggest, most bustling cities in the world, it had less than two hundred thousand residents. Something like an earthquake must have seemed like an unquestionable act of God. These people were living in what seemed to be a strange, supernatural, unpredictable world — one which really could house all sorts of things, such as witches, banshees, and giants.

Today, of course, witches, banshees, and giants are considered jokes, or parts of stories, and are not to be taken seriously.2 And yet somehow, this has not caused people to cease sighting Jesus. Once such sighting was reported by KATC3, a local news channel based in Louisiana. A woman unexpectedly found the image of Jesus in a family snapshot. The article related to the news item has such gems as “[Ms.] Durio actually saw the picture for the first time four years ago, but until recently she didn’t see anything unusual,” and, “She wants to share the picture with anyone who’s interested. ‘I feel like if anyone else is spiritual like I am, maybe they’d like to see it.’” Or this sighting, as reported by NBC4 local news, based in Los Angeles: “Phyllis and Leona Chester were painting the wall red when two images appeared. They were able to cover one of them up, but the other remained. The sisters think the image looks like Jesus, and so do their neighbors. The sisters were renovating because they planned to sell their home and move to Arizona. They said they are reconsidering that decision.”

Clearly, most people are aware that such sightings are ridiculous, and this is aptly satirized, as reported by Joe Kovacs in an article he wrote for WorldNetDaily.com:

A seller from Ontario, Canada, is hawking a toaster which is said to regularly produce images of Jesus on a crucifix when bread is inserted in the left slot.

‘This toaster can be for personal use, to remind you of your faith at the start of every day, or to make duplicate slices of spiritually enhanced toast for family, friends or even for sale on eBay!’ writes the vendor. ‘With previous toast-image auctions fetching thousands of dollars per slice — this is literally the ‘goose that lays the golden eggs.’ . . . I still get chills every time I see the toast pop out of this toaster with that remarkable image on it! It is priceless — this thing practically turns bread into gold!’

But even so, there must be some people who take the thing a little bit seriously. Or at least people are interested enough in the phenomena to report it — it’s sort of a local news motif. Or rather, it seems that, like me, a lot of people are entertained by the idea of spotting Jesus — they want to meet Jesus — and even though they know they can’t, they can at least come close, or marvel at the commonplace coincidences that result in a “sighting.”

But what is it about Jesus that makes sighting him so attractive? Why is it not equally faddish to spot Johnny Damon (who looks like Jesus)? The obvious answer is religion, but to say it’s religion and leave it at that doesn’t fully answer the question. There are plenty of religious figures who aren’t so exciting — I don’t think many people would give a flip about spotting Mark, or Paul, or John, or any of the other disciples — and, furthermore, there are plenty of non-religious people who get a kick out of Jesus. Clearly, he possesses unprecedented appeal and I think one of the main reasons is that he’s a true wildcard in the understanding of life. Because even though we have physics, astronomy, biology, and all the rest of the sciences to explain why and how things happen, the idea that there’s something else behind it, someone who can do anything he wants, is compelling. It’s the ultimate trump, the ultimate bit of hope, and the ultimate recess of the imagination.

Almost certainly this is the attraction of Jesus — because of him, everything isn’t quite like it seems, but just a little bit different. A little bit of the wonder is given back. The heaven, the idea of forgiveness, the doctrine of compassion — behind it is a shifting of perspective, of viewpoint. Suddenly the world — though materially the same — is metaphysically different and meaningful — suddenly there’s hope for the downtrodden, meaning in the quotidian — a tree isn’t just a tree, but something better — a part of God. And suddenly actions do matter, suddenly there are consequences, suddenly the rich and powerful don’t always win — this is a wonderful creation of the mind’s eye, a stupendous feat — one that’s accessible to everyone, one that can be dreamt about all day long. In short, Jesus is a metonymic figure of everyone’s ideal reverie: sweet, loving, glorious, righteous, omnipotent, omniscient — perfect heaven.

And, hopefully, if he represents all that’s perfect and good, he’ll have a sense of humor and come down and have lunch with me.

Alex Starace (alex@professoryeti.com) hasn’t been to church since Christmas Eve.


1. For example, a common ailment was “mushmouth,” which resulted in the sufferer losing all his teeth. The cause, we now know, was that no one ever washed his plate! Everyone just had one plate and used it for every meal, and if he didn’t eat it clean, he just let the dog lick it off, and if it looked clean, it was clean!

These people were so far from the concept of germs that Antony van Leeuwenhook, the man who discovered bacteria, wasn’t even born until 1632 and didn’t begin his research until middle age. It wasn’t until 1683 that he gave a fascinating description of the plaque between his own teeth, as observed under his microscope: “I then most always saw, with great wonder, that in the said matter there were many very little living animalcules, very prettily a-moving. The biggest sort . . . had a very strong and swift motion, and shot through the water (or spittle) like a pike does through the water. The second sort . . . oft-times spun round like a top. . . and these were far more in number.” (Source: University of California, Berkley, The Museum of Paleontology Website)


2. And one could argue that terrorists, nuclear war, and the disastrous consequences of pollution have replaced them as relevant and unpredictable fears.

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