Am I sufficiently boring to write a tell-all book?
I’ve been on this big kick with reading self-authored celebrity bios. I’m not a celebrity myself. Generally people who recognize me on the street don’t stop to ask for my autograph. Ben ran into me last week, and he wanted his money back. But I don’t think that counts. Anyhow I had thought of writing a bio for myself. Barring the whole lack of celebrity I didn’t think there was anything stopping me. I’m a happy-go-lucky guy. I’m always having adventures. Neat things happen to me and I respond to them with wit and vigor. So there is really nothing stopping me. All I have to do is write a book and the world will come to me. But I did a little more thinking today and now I’m starting to wonder about a few things.
Problem is, most of these people lead boring as shit lives. They don’t do anything. Ok, they do stuff, but they do all the cool stuff in the public eye. It’s really cool that they jump off buildings and stuff, but I mean I see that in the movies, and it’s really all fake. I mean starring in a movie is pretty cool, but I can see that at the theater. No need to get a book. If I want to watch the behind the scenes stuff I can just turn on Entertainment Tonight. I just watch a few minutes of celebrities stumbling drunkenly down the street and I’m laughing. What’s not to love about watching a fucked up Paris Hilton try to stand up? It is so rare that someone’s life can be so elegantly summed up. One video clip is all it takes. So most of them have nothing to tell me in the books. All they talk about it the ordinary hardships in life that we all go through. “Man I hate doing laundry, it’s such a pain.” “My addiction to prescription pain killers prevents me from living life to the fullest.” That kind of crap. I mean, it’s inspiring and shit that they manage to thrive or something in spite of all this. It’s just that I know people who are already overcoming things. The girl in the apartment downstairs has an eating disorder, and Tony next door battles crippling alcoholism. I can hear him screaming drunkenly almost every night. Life can be so much more than these celebrities realize and I know that — I’m out there living it up, and that’s what worries me.
Anyway, I tried writing a few sample paragraphs about my life, you know, just to see. Let me know if you think I’m boring enough to make the grade in the world of the tell-all.
“It was late, maybe after four or five in the morning and I was fucked up. The stripper on the couch had lost consciousness after several large bowls of marijuana. I was contemplating the fact that money was tight. I had no idea how I was going to pay this hooker. For a long time I sat there, just staring. The previous occupants of the place had painted the walls of the living room a deep brick red. I felt then like I could really see the texture of the walls. I was just staring at the northern wall for what must have been ten or twenty minutes. Occasionally I would hum a little to myself.
Where was I going with my life? Clearly the answer was nowhere. Which, in my stoned state was revealed to me as the words ‘now’ and ‘here’ smushed together. In my fucktardedly high state this even managed to sound profound. Clearly I needed to make a positive change in my life. But I was unsure how. The routine was getting to me. Go out. Earn money playing music on street corners, then scam some weed and a street walker. Every night it was the same thing.
What broke me out of the reverie was the hooker turning over and moaning softly to herself in her sleep. She probably turned so many tricks each day that they leaked into her sleeping life. I walked into the bathroom and stuck my head in the toilet. When my face was under the water I started screaming. I screamed myself hoarse.”
So? What do you think? Am I boring enough to make it in the cutthroat world of the celebrity bio? I know it isn’t very interesting, but that’s the point isn’t it?
Ian Macleod lives and writes in Minneapolis.
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