Do Not Fear the Love Machine™
Ladies, do not fear the Love Machine™. The Love Machine™ is soft and sensual. He is also tough and masculine. He can caress you oh so smoothly and tear through you like so much tissue paper . . . sexually. The Love Machine™ was developed over the course of eight hedonistic years by the lovely and luscious scientists at International Super Mega Corporation; he would never hurt you, unless you somehow provoked him or set off his attack sequence. The Love Machine™ is here for you to use and abuse, baby. But mind you don’t play too rough; the Love Machine™ was derived from a military prototype, and he will cut you. And he will cut up bell peppers for a very voluptuous salad, which will be the precursor to a night of romance and love-making that you will not soon forget, unless the Love Machine™ turns his memory ray on you, in which case good luck remembering your home address, much less the night of passion which awaits you with the Love Machine™. After he makes a new woman out of you, the Love Machine™ will snuggle like no mere man could. But please do not challenge the Love Machine™ to snuggle you thus. The Love Machine™ may snuggle you to the point of asphyxiation . . . sexy asphyxiation.
No, ladies — do not fear the Love Machine™. He is only 5% titanium alloy, but 100% unabashed pleasure. And 5% pain. And I know that’s 110%, but don’t tell that to the Love Machine™.
Michael Barker lives, writes and improvises in Chicago. He encourages you to read this month’s piece in the voice of Barry White or Isaac Hayes. Talk dirty to him at michael@professoryeti.com.
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