Do Not Go Gentle
This is not what I had intended to write about. I was almost done with a story about the connection between scent and memory when I had to change everything — the day before this column was due. The day before the deadline my college roommate e-mailed me to tell that her best friend, and the young woman who was going to be the maid-of-honor at her upcoming wedding, had died. She was 24.
Her friend was doing what a lot of people our age like to do. She was traveling. In Mozambique she contracted a severe form of malaria, but apparently its severity wasn’t obvious to anyone. When she came home she went to an out-of-state conference, was admitted to a hospital, and died.
Nobody our age likes to think about death, especially when it’s people our age who are dying. But the empathy I felt for my roommate when I read her e-mail this morning was shockingly powerful, and I could not continue writing the article I had started. In fact, I could barely do my job. Perhaps this new article is purely selfish — a catharsis only I will feel. But I hope that isn’t so. I am willing to bet that almost all of us have lost someone close to us, or at least have been close to someone who has. And although I never met this best friend of one of my best friends, I feel as though I had — I have lost someone, too.
We all experience loss in different ways. We all react differently to the news. When I was a sophomore in high school one of my friends killed himself. My first instinct when a mutual friend gave me the news was to laugh. I felt ridiculous, but I laughed. I was embarrassed and surprised by my reaction, but that was my body’s way of dealing with emotions powerful and unfamiliar. It wasn’t until days later, during tennis practice of all things, that I finally broke down and cried. And I think that delayed reaction might be normal: years afterward, when I learned that one of my ex-boyfriends had been killed in a car accident, nothing happened. I just felt numb. I drank a glass of wine with my parents, ate some dinner, and then called my boyfriend. I cried then. I cried instantly only once, and probably because it was the loss that has affected me most deeply. When I was in college my grandfather, whom I had lived with my whole life, passed away after his lung cancer crept into his brain. When my mother told me he’d died I just started crying, and then went to do dishes. It was probably 8 or 9 in the morning. I just needed to do something.
But maybe there is room for what I was writing about in my first article here. I wanted to write about the power of “the mind’s nose,” our ability to imagine scents and thus evoke memories and emotions. According to the Society for Neuroscience, smell is one of our oldest senses. It is also one of our most powerful. Memories of places and people, and often powerful emotions can be elicited by only a whiff of a particular odor. I have found this to be true — when I was living at home with my parents, for example, I lived in the part of my house formerly inhabited by my grandparents. In the bathroom cabinet there is still a bottle of the perfume worn on special occasions by my grandmother, who died when I was 13. When I smell that bottle, even today, I instantly think of my grandmother getting ready to go out to the ballet or to a nice dinner. And I can’t help it. Even if I didn’t want it to, a smell of Jack Daniels would still remind me of sitting in my grandfather’s lap and feeling his stubbly beard on my cheek while he had his before-dinner drink.
But that is not the most amazing thing about the mind’s nose. What seems most incredible to me is that I don’t even have to smell actual smells to conjure up those images and feelings, I can imagine scents without provocation, and experience nearly the same result. And I’m not the only one: a study published in the Journal of Computer Assisted Tomography1 found that “odors can be imagined and similar brain regions are activated by both imagined and corresponding actual odors.” I can “smell” things in my head. (Is that a bizarre sentence or what?) And because I can smell things in my head, I can hold on to memories.
Obviously the same can be said for the mind’s eye and the mind’s ear as well; they are what make memories possible. My former roommate is at this moment probably running all three on full throttle — remembering the last time she talked to her friend, their high school escapades, the moment she asked her to be the maid-of-honor at her wedding, perhaps even the smell of their dorm room . . . And I miss my grandfather every day. At one point or another something will remind me of him, and I can smell, hear, see, and feel what it was like to be around him. There are things that I’ve forgotten, and others that I never will. But it is reassuring to me that even if I do not seek them out, some smell or sight or sound will prompt me to remember, however involuntarily.
Losing people is hard. And the more you care about them (and perhaps the younger they are or the more sudden their death), the harder it is to understand their departure. But I’ve realized that we never have to let go all the way. It’s healthy to move on, and healthy to feel complete without them, but there is always a space where they used to be. Only now that space is filled not with their presence, but with smells and sights, imagination and memory.
Rachel Rubin wants you to read two poems about death: To An Athlete Dying Young and Do Not Go Gentle.
1. C/O Merriam-Webster Online: Tomography: a method of producing a three-dimensional image of the internal structures of a solid object (as the human body or the earth) by the observation and recording of the differences in the effects on the passage of waves of energy impinging on those structures — compare COMPUTED TOMOGRAPHY (I didn’t know that either.)
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