Professor Yeti

In the year 2025, there is no dirt. No flowers, no hills, no valleys, no great monuments either to God or humanity.

And why?

Emo. In less than twenty years, were human beings able to take a look around — which we will not be be able (except for Dr. Donald R. Weiner, who discovers time travel in 2008 and is shortly thereafter maimed and killed by a saber toothed cat) — but, were we able, we would see, hear, touch and taste absolutely nothing.

Were that it were intentional. Would that Emo fans and so-called artists had finally taken their vacuous nonmusic to its ultimate logical conclusion. Would that the worship of the Great Emo became compulsory in 2015, taking only a decade of human obstinence in the face of growing crises under the oppressive hand of a false god to render its environs moot. Would that all this were, but the truth is much worse.

Emo bred fear, fear bred fundamentalism, fundamentalism bred evil, evil bred the commercialization of oldies rock, the commercialization of oldies rock bred the superalternization of Blue State punk metal (leading to a renaissance of bands wearing clown make-up without KISS’s integrity) bred Emo. A vicious self-feeding and self-encouraging cycle ensued. Emo bred Emo, and all was fear, rage and a pithy yet sonorous beat.

People of the past, destroy Emo while you can. There will come a day when you cry out “frosted tips be gone,” but it will be too late. Save yourselves. Turn down that shitty music.

Michael Barker believes that end days are here. He lives, writes and improvises in Chicago. Block rockin’ beats are best sent to michael@professoryeti.com.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 15th, 2005 at 11:34 am and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.