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I have never considered myself a conspiracy theorist. I have always been one to keep a level head about these sorts of things. I have gone to conspiracytheory.com, if that still exists, and I amused myself by reading about how the Ford Motor Company, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, and the CIA were trying to destroy Judaism with New Age Crystal Magic. Through all of it I was confident that less than ten percent of what I had read was even close to true. But now I don’t know what to think, because I’ve been told that dolphins with poison dart guns have been set loose in the Gulf of Mexico. I’m going to restate that, because it needs repeating. Dolphins with poison dart guns are loose in the Gulf of Mexico. It’s like some Hollywood screenwriter’s sequel to Deep Blue Sea has somehow taken a crap on my worldview.
This has to be the worst dolphin related news I’ve gotten since I heard about Flipper’s ill conceived comeback attempt, “Bottle Nosin’” Let me tell you, if an idea is worse than dolphin porn, it has to be bad. Anyway, when I heard about the darts, I immediately boarded up all the windows to my house. I don’t want them seeing me. I don’t want them getting in. I’ve seen that episode of The Simpsons, and I for one am not going to sit down and take it. No dolphin is getting the best of me. Even if idiots at the Pentagon have seen it fit to GIVE THEM POISON DARTS.
I think this is a perfect time to discuss our place in the food chain. A lot of people think that we are safe atop the food chain. I don’t think so. Others will say that it is our brains or our opposable thumbs that have placed us at the top of the food chain. They may say that our tribal social structure allows us to deal with other animals.
These people are wrong.
What puts us at the top of the food chain is one thing simple thing: guns. Weapons in general actually, but the gun is our best weapon, and this is why I have been a staunch supporter of Second Amendment rights. It keeps us one step ahead of the dolphins. Dolphins, you see, are tribal creatures as well, they travel in pods, they are nearly as smart as us, and WE HAVE GIVEN THEM POISON DARTS! Soon they will be coming for us, and we will have only the five star generals to blame. Were they trying to get us all killed? Should we try them as traitors to the cause? We will never know, for the dolphins are coming and their victory will be swift.
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