This Lost Show All You People are On About
My girlfriend won’t leave me alone on this Lost show. She’s like some kind of Lost evangelist. At first she would just ask if I wanted to see it. Now she invites me over to her place to hang out with friends. When I show up, Lost is on TV. They get angry when I try to talk over it about this mole that I noticed the other day, and that’s not cool. I mean, I realize that this is an addictive show, but this mole has me really nervous, you know?
Moles can be a lot of things. I have exactly 174 moles on my body. I needed to know that none of them was cancer. The doctor is a busy man, and probably didn’t have time to stare at each of them in turn. Sending him a digital collage of all the moles in one big file saved him time. Anyhow I’m sitting there, rightfully fretful about my mole, and they’re all, “Shut up, we have to figure out what’s going on with this fucking hatch you asshole!” That was totally unnecessary. I mean, they aren’t going to tell you what’s up. They have a show to make, and if you actually start figuring things out you won’t be as addicted to it. The real mystery is why none of the characters are worried about their medical situation. I mean there is that doctor guy, right, but he doesn’t have proper facilities. How’s he going to give an emergency appendectomy? How’s he going to deal with the first person who suffers liver failure? Plus, he’s running around with that crazy dude who can walk again. Explain that to me.
Generally I think that show isn’t realistic enough. I mean, if I were on a desert island I don’t think that’s how it would all work out. I think I know myself pretty well. The first two hours would probably be spent running in a circle screaming, “We’re all gonna die!” Then I’d have a fifteen minute break to realize that I was alone. I figure I’d follow that up with another good two hours of, “I’m gonna die!” Once I got that out of my system I would concentrate on my Boy Scout training. For the record, I regret that I never made Eagle Scout. I think that would be useful if I were on a desert island. I’d make myself a small shelter, and die of thirst, because what are the odds there would be a good fresh water source? — it’s nice to know I have a plan for that contingency.
Ian Macleod spent two days trying to summon polar bears by reading comic books.