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One day, about a month ago, I arrived home and found myself at an impasse: there was a message on my answering machine reminding me of the primaries. I should go out and vote, it said. This was true: it was only four o’clock in the afternoon — there was still time: I could go out and vote, and I’d heard it would be a very tight and important election. But then I thought, Whom would I vote for? . . .Well, this was indeed a problem: I don’t read the newspaper and I don’t know the names of any of the local candidates — aside from the mayor, whose name I only know because he’s the mayor. So whom should I vote for? . . .The challenger to the mayor, whose name I didn’t know? . . . Or the mayor, whose name I did know? And what about the city council and the judges and all that stuff? . . . I had no idea. And since it was a primary, I didn’t have the easy and reductive option of just voting for the democrat in every race. . . . It came down to this: Would it be better for a completely uninformed citizen (me) to exercise his democratic right arbitrarily — haphazardly, randomly — and end up choosing fuck-knows-who, or would it be better for me to acknowledge my incompetence and sit this one out, hoping that people who actually knew what was happening would make an informed and good decision?
Usually in these situations I’d ask erstwhile Professor Yeti editor Teague Lyons about the election. He’d tell me whom to vote for and I’d just vote for that person. I generally trusted his judgment, and really, if you think about, when you vote, you’re voting people into political office so they can make decisions and take action for you, on your behalf. I rationalized my behavior thusly: really, I was just voting at a lower level. I was voting for Teague. He could decide for me and I would trust in him and hope that in the long string of decisions and decision-making to which I was intentionally excluding myself, something somewhere would eventually turn out how I’d hoped it would have, had I really thought about it at all.
This had been a good system: I was able to feel like a responsible citizen and mooch off of Teague’s knowledge, and for his efforts he got a “bonus vote” in the elections as well as someone who could support his viewpoint at parties. But on this particular autumn day Teague was not around — he had moved to Baltimore a month prior and so I was left in a bind. The choice was Vote at Random vs. Not Vote at All. I thought about hopping on the internet and doing a quick bit of research, but I’ve always prided myself on my nearly-complete indifference to topical issues. And besides, I didn’t really want to expend the effort . . . I choose the Not-Voting option and felt a mild surge of responsibility: at least I wasn’t going to vote based on the nicer sounding name — I was intelligent enough to understand that I had no business in an election booth . . . Too bad, I realized, that probably seventy-five percent of the people who were voting did not have my forbearance — as I stood there, they were choosing the candidate for mayor on completely idiotic criteria.
Anyhow, I forthwith forgot about the whole incident and resumed living my life. (I still have no idea who won the primary.) A week or so later, my mother came to visit and she mentioned that Tom Osborne (current congressman from Nebraska’s third district and former coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers football team) was considering a run at governor. Two things became immediately obvious to me: 1. If Tom Osborne wanted to be governor of Nebraska, he would be governor of Nebraska (he got ninety-three percent of the vote last election) and 2. Tom Osborne is one man whom I’d go out of my way to vote for — even though I don’t know much about politics. And it’s not just because (and actually has only a little to do with) his being the offensive mastermind behind the great Cornhusker football teams between the years of 1970 and 19971 — Nebraska’s long and glorious golden age which culminated with a whomping of the Tennessee Volunteers, a fifth national championship, and Osborne’s retirement.
No — the more I think about it, the more I realize that Tom Osborne, in the course of his long and distinguished public life, has conducted himself with such an exemplary degree of integrity, intelligence, and compassion that he has my vote (though, since I’m no longer a citizen of Nebraska, I can’t actually vote for him) even though I know little of what he’s done as a politician. I know of the man through football, and this, I understand, can breed some skepticism. But the fact that I know of him through football doesn’t make him a bad person — it just means he was a football coach and I was a football fan. As a fan of sports and football, I’m perfectly willing to admit that most football coaches are short-sighted, sleep-deprived, hot-dog-grubbing, no-class, bigoted jerks. Consider the following three jobs: Football coach, manager of Denny’s, wholesale shipper. You imagine them being performed by a jowly, overweight man with a crew-cut, a man who’s wearing ill-fitting clothes and perpetually gulping a Diet Coke. This, I think, is the image most Americans outside of Nebraska have of Tom Osborne (no matter that he’s thin and well-dressed), in part because of the Lawrence Phillips incident2 and in part simply because football, to much of the country (particularly to those who are interested in politics), is a brutish low-class game that’s very popular and perhaps fun to watch on occasion, but definitely nothing to take seriously and certainly nothing that men with high IQs participate in.
But, and I can’t stress this enough, in Nebraska everything is different. Football isn’t something enjoyed only by the less educated, or those prone to violence and heavy drinking. In Nebraska everyone loves football. It’s completely egalitarian and, having been to many parts of the country and world, I can honestly say I’ve never experienced anything else quite like it: everyone loves football. And not just as a casual fan like so many New Englanders who knew only the rudiments of baseball but then claimed to be Red Sox ‘fans’ this past fall: in Nebraska (at least when I lived there) an absurdly high percentage of the citizenry was familiar with the three-deep roster. I’d guess eighty-five percent of the state paid attention to what happened in absolutely every game and kept abreast of all the latest statistics and rumors — it was what everyone knew and did. It was so inclusive and hegemonic that when I went to college in Minnesota and had a girlfriend who interrupted my description of a football game to inquire, “Touchdowns? How many points are those?” I was flabbergasted. I had literally never met an American who didn’t know this — the thought that someone wouldn’t had simply never crossed my mind. It was as if she had stopped me and said, “Five times six? What’s that? . . . What’s multiplication?”
And so Tom Osborne wasn’t just some football coach. In Nebraska, he was a god — quite literally he was (and still is) by far the most famous and beloved person in the state. This, you might say, is exactly why the citizens of Nebraska shouldn’t vote for him: we’re all sucked in by his popularity. Under normal circumstances, I would agree: he had us all in his grasp, he could have done whatever he wanted . . . and yet he never manipulated us, he never lied, he never did anything other than what was most kind, generous, and fair. He and his wife used his popularity to start The Teammates Program, a non-profit foundation that provides tutoring and mentorship for at-risk youth. He was king of the state and he did that — he never seemed to take his position as a football coach too seriously: when he was a coach, he was tremendously underpaid, considering his success and the salaries of his contemporaries — and he never once publicly mentioned this, or asked for a raise. I would guess he felt lucky to get paid as much as he did, and the fact that he could have easily received a salary over $700,000 per season was of no importance to him. This is a man who has been married to his wife Nancy his entire adult life and who regularly gives her credit for much of his success and openly acknowledges that his career as a football coach was tough on her and the kids — it caused him to travel too much and he didn’t have time enough to help her raise the children as much as he would have liked. That was why he retired when he did — to spend a few years with his family. And he seemed to do it, at least until he decided to go into politics: not only did he walk away from the game at the height of his success, but, in the year or two following his retirement as football coach, he reportedly didn’t even bother watching the games — he was too busy to sit down for four hours on autumn Saturdays!
And there are more reasons to like him: Tom Osborne was (and is) a deeply Christian man, and yet, unlike so many Christians in sports, he never mentioned God in relation to football — he was not foolish enough to believe God cared one way or the other about a football game and he was not pathetic enough to openly proselytize during a post-game interview. The man had his priorities straight: he changed not one iota after his long-awaited first national championship in 1994, nor did he regret for one moment the decision in the 1984 Orange Bowl to go for the two-point conversion. To him the choice was obvious: he was coaching a football game and his goal was to get an outright victory. No matter the politics behind kicking an extra-point, no matter that he sacrificed a national championship in the process — it was only a game and in games it’s dishonest to play for a tie. Such was his integrity.
And that’s why I would vote for him: he has strong principles, they’re sturdy, they’re straighforward, and they’re not ridiculous. He’s a paragon of honorability. During his terms as congressman, his primary goal has been to help the small towns of Nebraska adjust to globalization and to see if he could prevent all local and independent farmers from losing their land. He, as a fourth-generation Nebraskan, was saddened by the erosion of small-town life and wanted to assist those who felt helpless. The fact that he’s a Republican, and that I don’t normally vote Republican doesn’t really matter3 — though I’m sure he’s pro-life, I’m equally sure that he would not in any circumstances favor packing the Supreme Court just to overrule Roe v. Wade, nor would he use his pro-life beliefs to leverage votes. He has great respect for propriety, politeness and working within the system — in no sense of the word could he be described as an opportunist or extremist.4
Tom Osborne wrote a memoir/autobiography entitled More Than Winning (which, if you read it, he obviously wrote himself (with the help of John Roberts) — the prose is definitely better than average for a layman, but still well below the standards of a ghostwriter. (In fact, I don’t think he would have felt right about having a ghostwriter do it for him.)) Many people (mostly from out-of-state) roll their eyes when the hear the title — they think it’s just another pat saying in a world of pat sayings and that Osborne is trying to ingratiate himself by espousing ‘proper’ beliefs. I boldly propose that the opposite is true: most Husker fans cared a hell of a lot more about winning football games than anything else, and it was Tom Osborne who kept us honest — it was he who instilled in us sturdy, good-natured morality, unswerving politeness and cordiality, and a sense of principled priorities.5
A little story to illustrate the point: over winter breaks from school, I worked at a movie theater, serving popcorn. It was usually very busy, so much so that it was just one face after another as I took orders, made change, and then received the next customer. And then one day, in the middle of a hellaciously busy shift, I was staring at Tom Osborne! He was taking his grandkids to see Toy Story 2 and needed some concessions. I got his food, he paid with a fifty and I was literally shaking as I gave him his change — and then it was over.
Thinking back upon it, I realize that, though I’d nearly fainted when I saw him, I never once mentioned that I knew who he was, or that he was a hero of mine — I remember thinking that I didn’t want to ruin his experience by being a gawker and an autograph seeker. And it appeared everyone else felt the same: there were about a hundred people in the theater lobby, all of whom had to have recognized him — remember, this is the most famous person in the state, everyone’s hero — and he was not hassled at all; business carried on as usual. Why was this the case? I think, in part, because we all knew he would never interrupt someone else’s outing to ask for an autograph or to talk football. Never. And so we did the same. His virtue made us virtuous, his example made us proud — he was a man whom we were overjoyed to have as one of ours, a moral, honest man who, through his morality and honesty, had earned his privacy many times over. He — contrary to what the pundits say about heroes — was a hero, the sort that supposedly only existed many years ago: a man who’s impeccably polite, decent, intelligent and honest . . . And that’s why I’d vote for him. He may be relatively unrecognized outside of the state, but in public life I can’t think of a better, gentler, more earnest man — I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have be the governor of Nebraska.
Alex Starace (alex@professoryeti.com) went to every home game between the years of ‘93 and ‘97.
1. He wasn’t actually the head coach until 1973, but was the offensive coordinator during Nebraska’s first two national championships.
2. I’ve treated the Lawrence Phillips incident at length in another article and feel no need to rehash my opinion on it in this article. For more information, please see the sixth footnote in my article “Newspapers, Fame, and Husker Football.”
3. I recently uncovered an article in the local newspaper about how the GOP does not actually like Osborne all that much. This I find to be an encouraging sign. The main problem the Republicans have with him is that he refuses to toe the line on every issue and appease all the big donors — he’s no one’s puppet! The following is a statement Osborne released about his political philosophy, taken from the same article: “‘There are certain core conservative values and precepts that I will not compromise, yet I’m a strong advocate of bipartisan dialogue, coalitions and cooperation since these are absolutely necessary in order to achieve the objectives of our state and nation.’” (The article was entitled “Osborne Bids for Support of GOP,” and was written by Don Walton for the Lincoln Journal Star.)
4. And if you think about it, behind all the extremism and shouting about the abortion issue, both pro-life and pro-choice advocates have valid points — the problem isn’t that some people are one and some are the other, but that so many people (unlike Osborne) insist on polarizing the country as a result of the disagreement.
5. Where else would fans cheer the opponent when the opponent jogs off the field after giving the Huskers an unexpectedly close game? Would Callahan (the current Husker coach) or Steve Pederson (the current athletic director) ever support such kindness? No! They might give lip service to it, but everyone knows that deep inside they have little sincere feelings towards the opponents. Incidentally, I’ve heard that Philadelphia Eagles fans cheer when a player for the opposing team gets injured. This, to a Nebraska fan, is unconscionable — whenever an opponent gets injured and needs medical assistance, a hush falls over the crowd as the fallen player is being attended to. Once the player is up and being helped off the field (or carted off, as the case may be), everyone claps as a way of wishing him a quick recovery.
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