How to be a (Capital K) Knitter
Knitting — as one out of every two morning shows, as well as the Rise of the Martha Stewart Poncho1 has shown — is trendy. Many more are knitting, and more knitters are making sweaters and hats, but how many new Knitters are there? Real, dedicated, long-term — one may say obsessive — Knitters?2 When knitting as a “trend” is brought up, all this really means is Target sells cutesy knitting kits packaged in cutesy plastic buckets. You can make cat toys, a cotton shopping bag, a tube top, or a “traditional” baby gift set, with the help of an instructional DVD and cheapo yarn for $19.95.
Let’s jump right in.3 This is the first step of becoming a Knitter: Cultivate mild disdain and impatience for newcomers or novices. This covers the bases of limited skills (first), lack of preference for luxury yarns (second), stereotypes about knitting (third), and of course assumptions about those who knit (home run).
First base: Despite centuries of knitting, across the boundaries of ethnicity and gender and age, knitting boils down to two basic stitches: knitting and purling.4 The simplicity and beauty of this is hard to describe to a non-Knitter. Suffice it to say that nearly every sweater you’ve ever owned, whether made by man or machine, whether adorned with intricate Irish cables or hideous colorful snowmen, came from only these two stitches. Ordinary knitters do not feel this way about knitting. They may feel a rush of genius when they figure out how to complete a stitch, or when they realize that knitting consists of only loops within loops and no knots, but they are not sufficiently humbled by the process. And so I must roll my eyes in their general direction.
Second base: Even before the resurgence of knitting, countless yarn companies around the world have been churning out deliciously soft and exotic fibers. Soft baby alpaca fur, fuzzy warm angora rabbit fiber, 100 percent silk, or the incredibly rare and sturdy muskox hairs — all can command exorbitant rates. Plus there are rare and strange yarns made of banana peels, recycled Saris, paper, bamboo, and even metal. Your everyday knitter is easily wowed by glittery polyester string or flammable “eyelash” yarns, though these are not luxurious. An easy rule is that if you can buy it at Wal-Mart, it is not worthy.5
Third: Knitting is not boring. It does not require amazing patience or laziness. It is not simple or stupid. And for god’s sake, it’s not necessarily relaxing. Julia Roberts and her ilk are making Cosmo and Redbook proclaim knitting as “the new yoga.” Trust me when I say that after putting months of work into knitting a cotton tank top for myself, including learning many new techniques, undoing and re-knitting hours of work, and finally realizing after finishing 90 percent of the project that it will be way too big plus cotton stretches plus I don’t really like a variegated orange-and-white tank top anyway — sorry, I need to breathe for a second. Eight little balls of cotton yarn, rewound after obliterating nine tenths of a tank top (which took very little time, alarmingly), are casting a withering glare at me with their beady little orange eyes.
Ahem. This leads neatly into assumptions about those who knit. The home run. Sure, I’ve just made a boatload of them, but you can’t. We are not all old. We are not all mothers, let alone pregnant, let alone knitting for children. You can assume only one thing about Knitters: We wish we had more time to knit.
It’s like Dr. Seuss. I like to knit while I commute. I like to knit while I compute.6 I have a newfound appreciation for tote bags after turning into a Knitter. I have a minimum of five projects “on the needles” at one time, each housed in some form in a tote bag or basket depending on its portability. One needs small projects for the train or bus, simple mindless ones for watching TV or talking on the phone, and a pretty basket for the interminable and complex project made of thin yarn that will be on display for months as it marinates in its container.
This is the second step of becoming a Knitter: Do not fight the urge to start new knitting projects before finishing existing ones. This maintains a healthy anxiety level yet allows for the instant gratification of beginning the newest, need-to-knit item. Perhaps this is the true Zen of knitting, the yin and yang: stress and indulgence. Guilt and satisfaction.
In that spirit, I see no point in finishing this article when I could be starting this great cabled sweater pattern I found online for free.
Laura Fletcher (laura@professoryeti.com) lives and knits in Chicago with her incredibly tolerant boyfriend and curious cats. E-mail her if you want more tips or have yarn to trade. But if you want a hand-knit for the holidays, don’t call her — she’ll call you.
1. When Martha left prison all those months ago, she was wearing a poncho made by a fellow inmate. It was crocheted, actually, though that is another discussion entirely. Crochet and knit patterns for the poncho cropped up everywhere. God, who cares.
2. Many thanks to Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, who discussed becoming a Knitter in Yarn Harlot: The Secret Life of a Knitter and expounds on her humorous theories on her wonderful blog. She defines Knitter more strictly, as one who fearlessly pursues all manner of knitterly things. Stephanie, someday I will be a Knitter like you.
3. To be fair, I suppose these steps must come after learning to knit, but let’s assume for the moment you already have. Or let’s make that step zero.
4. Yes, P-U-R-L. Not that the correct spelling of this term stopped hundreds of yarn store owners from capitalizing on a cheap pun wherever possible (The Black Purl, Purls Before Swine, et al). Combine that with “ewe” and you’re all ready to open up your own business in the knitting community. It’s like Mad Libs!
5 This is just scratching the surface of a serious turf war among Knitters, many of whom are happy making afghans for charity out of Wal-Mart acrylic. And these afghans can be spectacular. However, almost every Knitter at least knows about the strange yarns out there and feels an appropriate awe.
6. Again thanks to Stephanie, who points out that you can scroll through web pages or documents by hitting the spacebar with your toes. When you come over, that’s why my laptop is on the floor.
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