Professor Yeti

Dear Professor Yeti,

I’m dating this woman who’s into sight gags. Not all of slapstick, mind you — just that little facet of it. I really can’t bear the thought of having children with someone would enthusiastically subject herself to Laurel and Hardy movies. We’ve only been on six dates (well, six and a half, if you count that one time) but something has to change. Either I need to change her, or we need to break up.

Still looking for Little Miss Perfect, Providence, R.I.

Dear Still Looking,

I don’t often give advice regarding romance because people are so neurotic and irrational about the subject — it’s a topic where emotions run rampant and when discussing it people weep much too frequently for my taste. That said, I feel it incumbent upon myself to take my mallet of wisdom and beat some blessed sense into that backwards-thinking brain of yours.

Forgive my condescension, but what makes you think she’d put up with someone (you, namely) would wouldn’t countenance her watching of L & H movies? And who says you have to be with her when she watches these movies anyway? Moreover, who in heaven’s sake said anything about children?! That’s quite an extrapolation on your part!

On the one hand you behave like a snob and can’t indulge her in an entirely harmless lowbrow pleasure and on the other you seem to be seriously contemplating spending the rest of your life with this woman. You’ve probably known her for less than three weeks! Besides which, what makes you think it would be a good idea to change her taste? The only thing that can result is that she’ll be less happy — she won’t get to watch the hijinks of her favorite comedians. Shame on you for thinking otherwise.

Sincerely,

Professor Yeti

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Dear Professor Yeti,

It’s been raining and it just keeps raining, day after day. I’m thinking of building an arc or taking refuge in the hills but instead I meander the streets, soggy and isolated as cars splash past. I’m having trouble deciding what to do, so I keep doing nothing: I don’t sleep at night, I forget to show up at work, and my smoking habit is getting worse. It just keeps raining — I have to change something, but I can’t imagine what it would be or how it would help. Any suggestions?

Albert Terrance, Olympia, Washington

Dear Albert,

I briefly went through such a period in my life. I’ll spare you the details, but I think we both understand that moving to a sunnier locale would be of no help. As Chippy, a beaver and good friend of mine has said, “Sometimes you just gotta wait.” Be patient, keep yourself busy but don’t expect too much and don’t give up, and then one day, once you’ve stopped even thinking about it, you’ll wake up and realize that it hasn’t rained in a long time.

Best,

Professor Yeti

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Dear Professor Yeti,

I volunteer at a (“an”? I never can tell . . . “an” seems so snobby) historical society and right now, as I write this, this jerk (or bitch, I suppose, since she’s female) is standing about two feet away from me having a conversation on her cell phone. I’m stuck manning the reception desk, so I can’t go anywhere and she’s completely disrupting my concentration. (I’m supposed to be collating some documents, besides answering phones and taking tickets.) Working at the historical society has put me in contact with lots of different people and they all seem to be rude, selfish and oblivious, all because I’m not their peer: I’m in a position where I’m supposed to serve them — I’m supposed to be kind and so they trample all over me. I hear waiters and waitresses have it worse. Any thoughts on why so many grown adults act like whiny selfish babies whenever dealing with someone in the service industry?

P. A. Nichol, Willesden, Ohio

Dear P. A.,

Since the United States’ economy essentially runs on the back of the service industry, many citizens take for granted being coddled (and many businesses do unnecessary coddling in order to ingratiate themselves). As a result, behaving like an oblivious six-year-old child has become standard. My recommendation is, if they want to act like six-year-olds, treat them like six-year-olds. First, get a padded stick, the sort that hurts when you hit someone with it, but that does not cause concussions. Then, whenever someone misbehaves, shout, “No!” and bap them over the head. A rolled-up newspaper would actually do quite well (and I’m chortling over my jasmine tea just thinking of the image: “No!” (whap) . . . “I said, ‘NO!’” (whap again) . . . “NOOO!” ) If nothing else, you’ll get a great deal of catharsis — sometimes there’s nothing like blowing off some steam.

As for uprooting the systematic behavior in American culture as a whole, the answer is a bit more tricky and your letter has piqued my interest enough that I’ve decided to do preliminary research for a monograph tentatively entitled I Want a Foot Massage, I Don’t Care if This is a Restaurant and, No, I’m Not Giving You a Tip”: A Study of the Unrealistic Expectations and Encouraged Selfishness of Contemporary American Society and How it Engenders Unprecedented Boorishness

Remember, use a rolled-up newspaper,

Professor Yeti

Professor Yeti is a world-famous expert and advice columnist. Please send correspondence to: professoryeti@professoryeti.com.

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