Professor Yeti

Dear Professor Yeti,

Help! My tie is stuck in the automatic paper feeder on my office copy machine! It’s pulling me down! It hurts and it’s getting harder and harder to bre—aaaahhnnnng [gasp!] . . .

Harold Shortabreathe, Fifth floor, OfficeCorp Headquarters

Dear Harold,

Just pull the power cord, man! If you cannot figure that out, perhaps you deserve a few moments of oxygen deprivation. I assume the fact that you were able to send this letter that you did, in fact, survive the horrific encounter with the menacing office monster known as “the copier.” I, too, have had some not-so-pleasant run-ins with this evil device, also known to yetis and other hirsute beings around the world as the “Hair-Removing Robo-Demon.” This is a beast easily slain, however, and your suffering need not last more than the two seconds it takes to pull the cord already!

Rage against the copy machine,

Professor Yeti

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Dear Professor Yeti,

Have you seen the movie Memento? Fuck-mind a what!

Pete Bampkoss, Orlando

Dear Pete,

Of course I’ve seen it. Have you not read my latest book, Yeti Film Compendium, Volume IV: Neo-Noir After 1990? There’s an entire chapter about Memento, in which I examine several notable plot holes that the average viewer, having been confused by the editing tomfoolery, likely fails to notice, not to mention the rather forced attempt at iconoclasm and subversion of both Hollywood norms and cultural ideals. Note, too, as you read the book, the chapter on the oddly similar cultural impact of the movies Pi, American Pie, American Splendor, Splendor in the Grass, Filler ve Çimen (Elephants and Grass), Elephant, and, of course, my own little-seen (but — not to boast — critically lauded) noir-slapstick, Elephant Pi.

Reel it in,

Professor Yeti

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Dear Professor Yeti,

I keep seeing this question written all over the place, but I’ve never heard an answer, so I’m turning to you: What would Jesus do?

Ghoti Carpenter, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

Dear Ghoti,

He would make a sandwich (peanut butter, banana and honey on nine-grain), and share it with two people. He would probably share his bag of chips, too, and he could even turn some fetid swamp water into a stack of HI-C juice boxes if you asked nicely. Nothing says “brotherly love” like juice boxes. (Personally, I prefer my HI-C mixed with Scotch, on the rocks if you please . . . but you didn’t ask what I would do.)

See PY 3:16 for further details,

Professor Yeti

Professor Yeti is a world-famous expert and advice columnist. Please send correspondence to: professoryeti@professoryeti.com.

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