Professor Yeti

You know, these days I see a lot of conspiracy stuff out there. The Da Vinci Code came out and everyone loved the big conspiracy about Jesus. A lot of people I know also like to talk about how some conspiracy occurred to keep George Bush in office. I’m fine with all that. There is some really entertaining stuff out there. I once read a conspiracy that claimed the Ford Motor company, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, and Wiccans were conspiring to destroy Judaism with New Age healing crystals.

Then the other day I heard Bill O’Reilly was ranting that Christmas was under attack. My blood froze in my veins. He was onto me. My work has been revealed. Now that things are out in the open though, I feel I should tell you a little about the conspiracy I’ve been involved in these past fifteen years.

When I was ten, members of the International Jewish Banking Conspiracy came to my house. They took me off into a little room and they told me of the mission that was to be my life’s work. I was to destroy Christmas. If New Year’s was ruined by the psychic fallout of its destruction, then so be it. We would live in the same year forever. Or rather the goys would — Jews would still have Yom Kippur.

As a ten-year-old my options were limited. For years I had to content myself with telling little children that Santa didn’t exist. When I got older I started pointing out that Santa is just an anagram of Satan. Still, this wasn’t doing much, and I started to grow bored of the who routine. One day, I told myself, I would be out there in the real world, free to work my nefarious schemes.

And now I am, or at least I was until Bill outed me. I was finally onto something, too. The plan was so simple it couldn’t fail. You see, many Christians get me presents anyway, simply because they don’t or won’t acknowledge that I don’t celebrate Christmas. This obliges me to give them something in return, and here is where the brilliance of my plan is manifest: I get them really shitty gifts.

I’m not talking about run of the mill socks here. Last year I gave a guy one pound of butter. I gave two other people one half of the same pair of shoes each. Soon the drain in Christmas spirit will make them cease to believe in God, or it would if I didn’t know so many atheists. Really I’ve only been able to do it with atheists so far.

But I was to start the next phase. I was going to sneak down chimneys on the night before Christmas and leave expired bottles of milk for little children with cards saying “From Santa.” I would have, too, if not for the cursed Bill!

. . . But you haven’t heard the last of us, Bill. We Jews are out there. We are many and we are waiting . . . waiting and banking . . . waiting and banking and conspiring . . .

Merry Goymas!

Ian Macleod would have gotten away with it if not for those meddling TV blowhards.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 13th, 2005 at 9:27 pm and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.