Merry Christmas to the Troops
We here at Professor Yeti sometimes joke around, but at this most sacred time of year, we would like to take the opportunity to express a warm thank-you and Merry Christmas to our American soldiers abroad, wherever they may be, but mostly in Iraq. Sure, a lot of people are wishing the troops a joyous holiday season this year. Sure, we arrived late to the party. I mean, when did you last see a story about Iraq in this publication? [Once: February 23, 2005.—Ed.] I imagine it was a very long time ago. [It was February 23, 2005.—Ed.] But as they say, better late than never [2/23/05.—Ed.], and we’d like to remedy our prior lack of attention to our men and women abroad with the deepest and most heartfelt of all of the Merry Christmases they will receive this year. Why does our Merry Christmas kick so much ass? To start with, we use only the finest of ingredients. A touch of love. A dash of joy. A smidgen of peace on earth. On second thought, maybe we’ll leave out the peace on this particular Merry Chirstmas. Y’know, make a batch for the troops and then add the peace on earth when we’re baking up a greeting for the AFL-CIO or someone else on the PY holiday list. It’s a big list; there’ll be plenty of time for peace once we’re done with the bitchin’ Merry Christmas to the troops. And we don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
After we’ve got all our ingredients together, it’s on to Professor Yeti’s Holiday Funderland, where the Floopie Doopies squeeze out greetings from the fruit of the Yub-yub trees. Just kidding, that would be stupid. No, the next step is to assemble our magical holiday ingredients into a form worthy of its recipients, in this case the courageous soldiers of the US armed forces. This involves a fair amount of so-called “writing” and “thought,” which take a lot of “time.” This particular greeting was begun in mid-2005. Come to think of it, we may have had an article about Iraq between the time we wrote that stuff in the first paragraph and now; it’s been eight months of straight greeting composition, so we’re bound to have at least mentioned it. [We did, a bunch of times.—Ed.] Anyway, it took a lot of hard work and energy to combine all the wonder of the season that we wanted to send to the heroes of America, but here it is:
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM PROFESSORYETI.COM! BE SAFE AND COME HOME SOON! PEACE OUT!
We were going to cut the “Peace out,” because we thought that maybe some of our troops (particularly in the Coast Guard . . . c’mon, guys, you know who you are) might not understand the lingo. But we left it in.
Michael Barker has high-level deferment, were the draft ever reinstated. He lives, writes and improvises in Chicago. Send your prayers to the troops, and your eggnog to michael@professoryeti.com.
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