A White Christmas: How to Get It
If you believe the hype and the jingles and the very special holiday specials on TV, the one thing that everyone wants for Christmas is snow. Most people would probably also wish for world peace, too, that being the standard wish uttered by celebrities unafraid of clichés (in other words, all celebrities), but snow is a much more realistic goal.
Everyone who celebrates Christmas yearns for snow to cover the ground that day. Everyone. People in Miami who have never seen snow and put on a down coat when the mercury drops to 50 degrees and generally despise anything cold unless it is a beverage. People who normally, 364 days of the year, can think of few things more frightening or at least more off-putting than icy flakes-o-death falling from the sky. Even they want snow. A white Christmas is the ideal Christmas.
Why?
It’s that song, of course.1 You know the one. Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, even if you’ve avoided the malls for the past month, you’ve heard it; there is no way to escape it.
Blame Bing. He didn’t start it, exactly — that would be Irving Berlin, the composer and, incidentally, a Jew — but Bing made it famous in the 1942 movie Holiday Inn, of which few people know the plot, even if they have seen it, but virtually everyone knows a certain song. That song has sold over 100 million copies as a single, of which the Bing Crosby recording accounts for a good 30 million. That song is everywhere this time of year, and the sentiment it expresses has only been enhanced by the whole Santa thing (he wears boots and a warm, fuzzy suit, and rides in a sleigh; clearly, he’s not headed for a tropical climate) and various other tunes that play on the mall Muzak starting around Labor Day. “Jingle Bells” (“Dashing through the snow . . .”). “Frosty the Snowman.” “Winter Wonderland.” None are technically Christian songs, but let’s face it: they’re Christmas songs. You don’t hear them in February.
“White Christmas” and its impossibly-catchy brethren are the sort of songs that gets stuck in your head fairly easily, so sorry about that. As they play over and over, you’ll probably wonder: Will this be a white Christmas?
If you live in the northernmost third or so of the United States, the answer is most likely yes. Barring a sudden warm spell, it’s going to be a white Christmas in Minneapolis this year. Chicago, too, and New York. Yippee, as the kids say, before they head off to sled or pelt the neighbor’s cat with snowballs. There will be no snow, however, in Miami, or Houston, or most of the so-called red states.
I know all of these things first because of basic logic (where it’s cold, there will probably be snow, where it’s warm, there won’t) but also thanks to a nice map on the National Climate Data Center’s web site, a cheery bit of climatology cartography titled “Probability of a White Christmas.” This map, it should be said, shows trends over many years. That is, it can help you understand where to move to almost-guarantee a white Christmas (or a brown one, if you prefer); a check of your local newspaper’s weather page, or a glance outside the window, will obviously provide a more accurate forecast of whether or not this December 25th will be adorned with snow, slush, mud or something else.
There is a similar web site for Great Britain, on which site you can select a part of the country (Swansea, in Wales, for example, or the Orkney Islands in the north of Scotland), and see the probability of a white Christmas A little animation featuring Santa and Rudolf accompanies the calculation. When I checked the site in early December, every single location had a 50 percent chance of having a white Christmas, which makes me think the meteorologists over there are slacking off a bit. 2
If you really want a snowy Nativity but don’t have any snow right now, there are still some ways to create or procure some. As seen in countless movies and television shows, fake snow is fairly readily available for those who need some white stuff to cover the ground, don’t mind that you can’t make snowballs (but you can make “snow” angels while wearing shorts) and have deep pockets. It is not, it should be said, a very convincing simulation of the authentic stuff, but it is white and powdery, which may be all you really want. There’s also a web site (which I found recently but have been unable to re-locate) that is running a contest in which the grand prize is 120 kilos of premium artificial snow. One can also find, with a quick web search, a variety of snow-making machines (that is, contraptions that make the real, cold, wet stuff), with which one can guarantee a white Christmas, given chilly temperatures and a large pocketbook.
Of course, come December 26, we’re all planning, or at least dreaming of, sun and warmth and trips to tropical isles.
Doug Mack (doug@professoryeti.com) will be hightailing it to Florida on January 4 for the Key West Literary Seminar.
1Some people may try to convince you that there’s some other reason for these widespread desire for a pale Yuletide, but let’s be realistic. There’s not a lot of symbolism in snow. I mean, it’s not like Mary and Joseph were looking for room at an igloo, or had to trek through a blizzard, during which they listened to school closing reports on the radio. (“Bethlehem, private and parochial . . . closed . . . King David Academy . . . closed . . . ”) The magi bore gold, frankincense and myrrh, not de-icer, Sorels and an ergonomic shovel. In fact, though there are swarms of locusts and all manner of strange, wrathful-God-created weather phenomena in the Bible, to the best of my shaky recollection of Sunday School, there are precisely zero blizzards. Not even some freezing rain. So it’s not like we want snow because that’s what baby Jesus had.
2Then again, if you want to bet on whether or not there will be a white Christmas in the British Isles, and apparently some people do, you’re actually wagering that snow will fall on Christmas in a pre-determined locale. Six feet of snow on the ground in the U.K., but no snowfall on December 25? Apparently not a white Christmas.
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