Professor Yeti

I want a fucking Ritalin gun. I want a pump action gun that will shoot Ritalin darts into the arms of people who goddamn need it.

Now, I know that this country is overmedicated. I know that there are parents that can’t tell if their kids need it or not. The little guy goes running around and maybe the parents don’t know what to do, so they talk the doctor into giving the kid Ritalin. And who’s to say if the kid needed it or not?

I am. I am the person to say that.

Let’s be honest, though. This drug wasn’t made for kids. It was made for adults. It was made for those adults that people think had 10 cups of coffee, but really they just woke up this morning. I really think that one day we will put enthusiasm on the DSM-IV. I look forward to that beautiful day. You all know who you are, or you would if you hadn’t stopped reading three lines ago. You’re more excited by life more than I am and I hate it. I’m going to sit on my porch and pick you off one by one. I made a New Year’s resolution, just one. I’m only going to listen to conversations that make sense. I don’t want to hear one more conversation about the merits of Goober, that stuff that is peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. I don’t care that it lets you get fewer knives dirty, it’s still fucking vile. I also don’t care that grape jelly is really the best of all, or that the picture on the label is really cute. I still don’t care if it gets fewer knives dirty. Yes, I still don’t care the third time you tell it to me. Additionally, I’m not going sit there while you talk your way into my illegal distilling operation, I have to keep these things on the down low and I think that it’s pretty clear you don’t know what that means and this gun will help me achieve these goals — I’m going to get it if I have to make it myself, I will make it, I will shoot you and you will calm the fuck down . . . God!

Ian Macleod needs a good stiff drink to steady his nerves.

This entry was posted on Friday, January 13th, 2006 at 1:20 pm and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.