Of Fake Cowboys and Movie Star Animals
Dear Professor Yeti,
As a professional cowboy — not a rodeo cowboy or a stunt-show cowboy or a theme park cowboy, but a real, honest-to-Wyatt Earp, cow-branding, chaw-spittin’ cowboy — I don’t get to see many movin’ picture shows. There ain’t many ride-in movie theaters, least not in these here hills where I roam. But I heard tell of a new flick, as the city slickers call ’em, called somethin’ bout a broken mountain or some such thing. I guess it’s about cowboys like me and such. You know if it’s worth me washin’ up and puttin’ on my one Stetson not covered in burrs and horse dung and findin’ me a theater?
Wayne Johns, Butte, Montana
Dear “Wayne,”
A likely name, indeed. Your faux-“home on the range” talk is evidence enough that you have likely never spat chaw or even seen a cow outside of the shrink-wrapped variety in your grocer’s freezer, but your attempt at a nom de plume eviscerates any remaining shred of credibility left after your offensive attempt at cowboy-speak. As one who has spent a great deal of time roaming the wilds and expanses of the American West, I can attest to the rather wonderful idiosyncrasies of the terrain and its inhabitants, and just as I know that Laura Ingalls Wilder was a whiny little brat, so too do I know that most cowboys are actually quite articulate and surprisingly aware of current affairs, including the latest offerings from Hollywood. (Did you know that more cowboys subscribe Us Weekly and Details than ophthalmologists, patent attorneys and physics professors combined?)
Unhappy trails,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
What’s up with humans’ sudden attraction to penguins? Those fat little butler-birds reek like rotten fish and are plain obnoxious at parties, always getting drunk on cheap Antarctic vodka and going on and on about how their agents have fabulous new projects lined up for them. But all they can do is waddle and swim. They have no street smarts and not much charisma. Why don’t they make a film about me and my pals? We’re infinitely more charming, funny and intelligent, not to mention hip. How many penguins live in New York City? Like two or three. In a cage that stinks of fish guts. How many squirrels live in NYC? Lots. I rest my case. Send Spielberg my way.
Bruce the Squirrel, Cluster of Oaks By Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Dear Bruce,
I understand your frustrations. I, too, had such jealousies after the movie Harry and the Hendersons came out and gave my fat cousin Harold more than his fair 15 minutes in the spotlight. But I settled down when Harold became a national laughingstock after endorsing the back-waxing services of MetroSalon, and then the temporary facelift product Botox. He now looks more ridiculous than ever, and is living proof that fame can, in fact, be one’s downfall.
I will send you a copy of my book, How To Win Friends and Influence Humans; this should help you find your own way to gain a modicum of fame without becoming a boor such as Harold or a beast such as, say, Michael Jackson.
Also, I deal with Soderbergh, not Spielberg,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
Two years of publication! Congrats, darling! Now can we go out for that dinner and a show that you’ve been promising me since 2003? Will you please start coming home from the magazine office a bit earlier, say before 11 p.m.? When we started dating, you always cooked for me. Curried oxen, poached salmon with gooseberries . . . remember those days? Now that your web site has turned two, how about turning some of your TLC to your beloved?
Love,
Darlinda
Dearest Darlinda,
Thank you ever so much for the wishes of congratulations. My heart aches each moment I am not with you; every atom in my body pines for you. Know that each night, as I burn the proverbial midnight oil, the moon outside my window is the same as the lunar orb at which you stare. The nightingales that sing you to sleep offer me their mournful lullaby as well, as I have set up a recording device outside our bedroom window. And each morning, when the dawn breaks as I sit in front of my computer, ruminating and typing, I think of you going through your morning routine — showering, brushing your teeth, eating your oatmeal, reading the newspaper. I am with you in spirit, always, and you are welcome to visit me in my office, always. I have a day bed.
Con amor,
Your Snuggyboo, Professor Yeti
Professor Yeti is a world-famous expert and advice columnist. Please send correspondence to: professoryeti@professoryeti.com.
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