Things I’ve Meant to Buy
Things I’ve Meant to Buy
By Alex Starace
“A review of socks, CD shopping, a restaurant, and fancy cheese.”
This is what a fair number of my shopping experiences are like: after eating my usual noon-hour breakfast, I realize I have to go out and buy some software. Already, there’s a problem: What store has it? I assume a bookstore would carry desktop software, but since I never shop anywhere I don’t know. I think about calling Borders, but this would involve me getting a phone book, sorting through it, finding the right location, calling them up, and annoying them with the question: “Can you tell me if you have such-and-such in stock?”
I figure, Okay, I’ll just walk down there and buy the thing. So off I go, mildly peeved and convinced they won’t have it. Ten minutes later, I arrive at the store, ready to walk up to the product, pick it off the shelf, and carry it over to the check-out aisle . . . but I can’t find the software section. All the other customers are standing around happily browsing and chatting, content to fritter their lives away. Outwardly I look a tad bit stressed; inside, I’m apoplectic.
An employee walks by.
“Do you have a software section?” I ask her.
“No,” she says.
My face twitches. Here I am, ten minutes from a car, a phone, or a phonebook, and I still don’t have the software. The saleswoman offers: “I’d recommend going to Best Buy or OfficeMax — they would have it.” This is at least helpful. I thank her and start to leave. And then she calls after me, “You know, you can just download it off the internet! That’s easier still!” I thank her and return home, not especially grateful that I could have taken care of this whole ordeal in five minutes from my computer — but, indeed, she’s right. I download it (for less money, too) from the company’s website and I’m done.
As you may guess, I have little patience for shopping or browsing (even in bookstores and video rental places), and mostly I end up frustrated and annoyed, even when I end up getting exactly what I want. I have a theory on why this is: shopping, to many people (or at least to me), is like being stuck in rush hour traffic. Let me explain: I used to have a day job in an office where I had to dress up a little, where my work was humiliating and hellishly monotonous, and where I didn’t like many of my co-workers. Every day, as soon as the clock hit 4:28, I was jubilant to be done and was often literally jogging out the door. In my mind, I was already at home, in casual clothes, talking to my friends on the phone, making dinner plans. I’d happily get in my car, pop a good tape in the tape deck, and head for the freeway.
Twenty-five minutes later, I’d still be on the freeway. By this point, I’d inevitably have developed a strong urge to go to the bathroom, my head would be pounding and I’d be stuck in traffic. In my mind, I’d been free, done — so gloriously finished with my daily allotment of hell! And yet, there I was, in my little heated box, traveling at zero miles per hour on a stretch of road that was designed for travel at speeds in excess of 60.
Of course I was enraged! It wasn’t that I disliked driving per se, but that driving then, at that moment, was such a goddamn imposition (and one that I never chose to endure, but one that was thrust upon me) that I couldn’t help but get angry. It was as if my boss had said to me, “Alex, you’re done with work, go home! Your eight hours are done!” but then he calls after me, just before I’m out of ear-shot, “Oh, but wait! There’s still a half hour left. You won’t get paid for it, but it will be equally as pointless and frustrating as work! Try not to be in a bad mood, though!”
It’s the same with shopping. Once I decide I need something, I already imagine having it — it’s decided; the item will be in my apartment. And so when it ends up taking me an hour or two to actually go out and get it, it’s something I’d not planned on — something that feels like an imposition. Clearly, the problem is the circumstances of the purchases: I have, on occasion, enjoyed browsing, but only when my goal has been to go browse. (Similarly, I’ve on occasion enjoyed driving, but usually when my purpose is to drive around.) And that’s why I’m so excited about the review you’re about to read: whenever I buy things for my journal, the process of buying them will be part of the fun.
Perhaps I should describe. Now that I’ve kept the same job for nearly a year, I have some disposable income lying around (it’s amazing how much money you can save when your year isn’t punctuated by huge gaps of unemployment), so now I’m going to spend some of it for the sheer pleasure of it . . .
Socks
I’ve had my eye on Smartwool socks for quite a while; I’m not a sock person (I go barefoot around the apartment), so normally I wouldn’t be tempted, but these socks have two things going for them: 1. they can be worn on consecutive days and remain dry and odor free (amazing, if it’s true) and 2. they are apparently the most comfortable socks ever (which, again, if true, is something I’d want to get my hands on).
Previously I’d been warded off by the price, but, considering my little stash of money, I went out and got a pair. When I got home, I was so excited that I wanted to put them on while I was lying on the couch reading — a situation in which I’d normally never wear socks. But with these socks, Why the hell not? So I put them on and they gripped well — I was impressed — and they were comfortable. Nice socks, I thought. But after about three minutes, I realized I don’t like wearing socks, so I took them off. It was at this point that I began to get worried.
The next time I wore them was a few hours later at work, where I had to stand my entire shift. I figured it’d be awesome to have good socks as I stood, but I couldn’t stop thinking of the following chart:
Amount spent — article of clothing
$0 — my work shirt
$2 — my winter hat
$5 — my jeans
$12 — my winter coat
$12 — customized t—shirt that I was wearing as an undershirt
$14 — my work shoes
$15 — the brand—spanking new socks I’d just bought
If you’ll notice, the socks were the most expensive article of clothing I’d worn to work that day. Socks! They cost more than my winter hat and coat combined! I’ve always prided myself on getting deals (that’s how I got this extra money to spend in the first place) and now I’m going and blowing it on socks?!? . . . Fucking socks?!?
Final Analysis: At work that evening I felt like a complete moron and having nice socks didn’t make me feel any better. What was I thinking? …Grade: F
CDs
I went to Cheapo, a local new-and-used CD store, and sold the following for a total of $6.25:
- Third Eye Blind — Third Eye Blind
- Tori Amos — Little Earthquakes
- The Bagpipes and Drums of Scotland
- The Doors — Morrison Hotel
- Garbage — Version 2.0
- The Wallflowers — Bringing Down the Horse
- Mark Mallman — The Red Bedroom
Then I spent $24.45 on these CDs:
- John Coltrane — The Best of John Coltrane
- The Cranberries — Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can’t We?
- Tom Waits — Frank’s Wild Years
So it cost me $18.20 to acquire three CDs, while, in the process, getting rid of seven deadweights. I should have been pleased, but my trip to Cheapo was anxiety-ridden because I’d told myself that I’d only buy used CDs to save money (the thought of spending forty-odd dollars to acquire three CDs is unconscionable to me) and this caused three major problems:
1. There were some specific albums I had in mind, particularly this Friends Forever album, but because they only had them new, they were out of my price range, leaving me disappointed and annoyed at the cost of a single new album.
2. I had to flip through bins looking for CDs that interested me. I didn’t find this in the least bit entertaining mostly because it wasn’t fun looking at things I either didn’t want or wasn’t willing to pay for. I know I’m supposed to, but I don’t like searching — I want to find and be done with it.
3. Both the Tom Waits and John Coltrane were the only available used CDs of each of the artists, giving me the sneaking suspicion that I was buying the worst Waits and Coltrane albums. (Why else would they be the only ones people were willing to sell back?)
As I left the store, I felt about as stupid as I did about those $15 socks. However, this was to be expected: the last time I purchased a CD was in July of 2004 (Jolie Holland, Escondida), meaning that I have a CD-purchasing phobia.1 I’d designed this exercise in part to ameliorate my fear, so the true test wouldn’t take place until after I got home and had a couple weeks to enjoy the albums.
And enjoy the albums I did. Coltrane’s is exactly what I’d hoped for: it’s good listening while I’m making dinner and very sophisticated — it makes me feel cool just to have it playing. As an added bonus, I’ve found that after a stressful Saturday-night shift at work, it’s incredibly relaxing to come home, turn out the lights to my apartment, lay on the floor, and listen to a few tracks of Coltrane with my eyes closed. (While you’re out socializing, this is what I’m doing.)
Equally enjoyable, though in a completely different way, are The Cranberries. What can I say? I’ve wanted this album since 1999 and now I finally have it. Basically, I just listen to the two songs (”Dreams” and “Linger”) that were radio hits, and I listen to them over and over and over. And over. And it’s awesome — best five bucks I ever spent — I mean, “Do you have to? Do you have to? Do you have to . . . let it linger?” Yes, in fact, I do. Again and again. . . . And then I flip to “Dreams” for a while. . . . And then back to “Linger.” Again and again — over and over. . . . God bless Dolores O’Riordan.
Finally, there’s Tom Waits’ Romantic operetta Frank’s Years, which is intricate and strange and has the affecting earnestness that makes Waits not just good but one of the greatest musicians of his era. As usual, his lyrics are fantastic and his selection of instruments is wonderfully eclectic. This is an album I’ll listen to a lot.
Final Analysis: My first round of music purchases continues to yield pleasure and my CD-purchasing phobia is cured: in the next couple of months I’m gonna march my ass right into Cheapo and buy that Friends Forever album with no regrets. …Grade: A
The Ecopolitan
The Ecopolitan is a vegan restaurant that serves only raw food. No cooking, no meat, no bread, no nothing. Just raw food — mostly vegetables. When I first heard about this place, my response was, “You mean, they put a carrot on your plate? . . . Is that a restaurant or a grocery store? . . . What can they do if they can’t cook anything?” I was assured that it was actually a bit more complicated: “No, no, see, they shred up the carrot, and then they put like olive oil on it and stuff.” While I’ve always had a soft spot for vegetarianism, and I like organics and the idea of eating healthily, I remained skeptical: Not cooking anything? I mean, come on.
Yet the building is alluring. I walk past it and think: I could go in there and pay fifteen dollars for shredded up carrots. That would be cool. I want to do that. And part of me knows that the food’s actually probably really good and really healthy — and really fresh. And also, they have this thing called an oxygen bar, where you pay a lot of money to suck pure oxygen out of a tube for a few minutes. It was the oxygen bar that finally got me: I had to go there.
The decor is relaxed, and the restaurant is in the front room of what used to be a stately house. I ordered a Comet’s Tail — a non-alcoholic drink served in a shot glass that consists of beet water, ginger, and jalapeño. It was spicy and actually really good. For my entree I had zucchini spaghetti with Alfredo sauce. But this was not regular spaghetti nor was it regular Alfredo sauce. Since The Ecopolitan doesn’t cook anything, actual spaghetti is not possible: what I got were literally long, thin strips of zucchini topped with a sauce somehow made out of macadamia nuts. There were also bell peppers, mushrooms, and salad greens. It was served chilled.
I was so excited that I considered going vegetarian right then. It was delicious and fresh and everything had to be super healthy. Already I had in mind what I was going to order the next time I went there. I considered taking their “uncooking” lessons and buying more vegetables and generally becoming a healthier, more virtuous person — it was really cool, cool enough that my enthusiasm hadn’t completely died down even several hours after the experience. (Though I’m not becoming a vegetarian any time soon, and likely not taking any of their uncooking lessons.)
Final Analysis: Thankfully, I was priced out of the oxygen bar: five dollars for your own personal breathing mask (a one—time purchase), then eight bucks for a fifteen minute session — I simply hadn’t brought enough cash. But I still managed to drop twenty dollars (including tax and tip) for lunch. My overall grade would be higher, except I know I’m going to blow quite a bit more money there in the near future — which is both good and bad. …Grade: B+
Fancy Cheeses
As an aspiring aesthete and someone who wants not necessarily to be a snob, but merely to be capable of it, I was distressed when, at a party, as I was sampling some cheese and I found myself thinking, “This is mediocre Brie. Very mediocre, but acceptable enough to eat,” and just then, as I was thinking this, someone hovered by and said, “Ah, have some more Camembert!” I nearly yelped in discontent — I was ashamed. I fancy myself a gourmand — especially a lover of Brie — and this confusion was an almost mortal blow to my fancy-pants pretensions. There it was: I wasn’t able to tell the difference between Camembert and Brie. Embarrassing, as if I’d just asked at a hoity-toity party, “Is it Merlot or Chardonnay that’s white wine?” (Honestly I don’t know, but anyhow…)
In my defense, however, all of this happened at a homemade-vodka tasting party, so I was pretty toasted at the time (and the vodka was delicious — thank you, Ian!) and so I’ve decided to give myself the benefit of the doubt. Before that night, I had never knowingly eaten Camembert — and it was clearly similar to Brie, so perhaps, I decided, I should take the trouble to sit down and sample both, and after doing so, if I could discern a difference, I could restore my puffed-up self-conception. So I went out to the grocery store and returned with Carr’s Table Water Crackers, Knudson Organic Vegetable Juice, a fresh D’Anjou pear, a wedge of Delice Camembert, and a wedge of Tour de Marze Brie. I set them all out on the kitchen table and I realized: only good things could come of this! I would use the vegetable juice as a palette cleanser and the crackers and slices of pear as cheese vehicles. And so I began.
And quickly I realized why I’d confused Camembert to be mediocre Brie. The Brie is mushy, pungent, wonderful.2 The Camembert is less mushy, much less pungent, and therefore less wonderful. Camembert, if this makes any sense, is the flatter, more boring version of Brie. I would venture to say I don’t even like it that much.
So it’s settled and I can tell the two apart: I closed my eyes, swapped around two cheese-laden crackers, picked one up, munched on it a bit, and guessed what type it was… and got it correct. So now I can resume fancying myself as having snob capabilities.
Final Analysis: There’s nothing quite like savoring a delicacy alone, in the privacy of your own home — like when you’re sitting eating caviar (toasted French bread spread with butter, lemon juice and parsley on top of the caviar) thinking, Oh my god, this is fabulous, munch, munch, Oh my god, just fantastic, munch, munch. It’s like your tastebuds are the only of the five senses functioning and it’s just so glorious. Yes, glorious, and all this cost only fourteen dollars — not bad considering I still have enough food left over for at least three more sessions of onanistic gormandizing. …Grade: A
Conclusion
I still don’t like shopping — if you’ll notice, my pleasure from the objects I purchased always derived from enjoying the item, not obtaining it. And I also learned this: being cheap makes unnecessary expenditures all the more exciting — if I normally did crap like this, I’d never have enjoyed it half as much as I did. I mean, How often does eating some cheese make your entire day awesome? Only when you don’t do it much.
So it’s back to my frugal ways — self-denial makes the pleasure all the better, although I have to admit I’m going to buy a few more things than I used to, because the indulgence feels pretty darn good.
Alex Starace (alex@professoryeti.com) plans on attending many baseball games this coming summer.
1. CDs cost so much money and I don’t enjoy them as much as most people (or at least I don’t listen to music as often) and so it doesn’t make sense for me to buy them: I can just make due with what’s around me (roommate’s CDs, old CDs of mine, copies burned for me out of pity, the radio). My major fear is that once I start spending I won’t stop — and then I’ll be dropping fifty dollars a month on music, which is way too much.
2. Try as I might, I simply can’t think of any words to describe the flavor of Brie. And believe me, I tried — I ate a lot of Brie, each bite with pen in hand, ready to record a sudden flash of inspiration. …Delicious!
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