Five Things Not to Do with a Faberge Egg
- Boil it
- Crack it
- Put ketchup on it
- Attempt to eat it
- Throw it out the window
Five Great Men Who Most Likely Did Not Wear Underpants
- Julius Caesar
- Christopher Columbus
- Jesus
- Mitch Hedberg
- Isaac Newton
Five Reasons to Get Old
- AARP membership
- That much closer to the grave
- Excuse for bad driving
- No longer have to worry about birth control
- Hawaiian shirts ’ lots and lots of Hawaiian shirts
Five Botched Cliches
- Never give a gift horse to the pool man
- Everything that goes up must come straight from the boiling pot
- Different strokes ruin the cookie batter (or at least make it less good)
- An ounce of prevention is better than a stitch in time and even better than a black kettle
- The bigger they are, the harder they work hauling logs to Candyland
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