Thoughts on Word Play and Noisy Cabooses
Dear Professor Yeti,
If Napoleon were interested in palindromes and he spoke English, he would have made the utterance “Able was I ere I saw Elba.” Truly, this is the perfect melding of general history and harmless wordplay. Can you think of any other perfect meldings – either in the history/wordplay category or in other spheres?
Dennis Peturka, Jackson, Mississippi
Dear Dennis,
Most closely related is “A man, a plan, a canal, Panama,” which also neatly fits into this category that you have contrived. There are other decent examples, though, such as the musician Madonna, who in her heyday perfectly melded the normalized Western conception of female attractiveness with religious nomenclature, making her the hottie iconoclast she was. Also, the country of Iceland, with its frigid northern climes and stunning technological and ecological savvy, perfectly melds the austere wilderness of yesteryear with computer-centric, twenty-first-century man. And then Bob Dole, when he made an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman shortly after getting demolished by Clinton in the 1996 presidential election, perfectly combined the cadaverous Republican Party with the a-political, homework-shirking high school students who watch late-night television. When Dole was asked, “How did you feel the night after the election?” he replied, “I slept like a baby . . . every two hours I woke up and started bawling.” In fact, I wonder if Dole had shown this much personality from the get-go, if he would have fared better at the polls. . . . Anyhow, I believe three examples are enough.
Sincerely,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
My sister and I have never gotten along. Now that we’re both grown, I see no reason to continue visiting her or even talking to her. Our blood relation seems a flimsy pretext. Any thoughts?
Sissy Kenwood, Flagstaff, Arizona
Dear Sissy,
As distressing as I find it that you’ve been unable to make a bond with your sister, I must concede that you are correct — there’s no sense in the two of you forcing each other to do something that neither of you enjoys. That said, I would strongly suggest you take time to reflect upon all of your personal relationships (positive or otherwise) and consider if you’ve getting all you can out of them. I don’t want to sound presumptuous, but it seems you may have some problems making connections with others. Or perhaps you’re leaving out significant information about your sister? Is there something about her that’s particularly unbearable? Did she cause you trauma in your childhood? Without more information, I can do little but acknowledge that your actions are correct, though they give me marked pause.
Best Wishes,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
In the past ten years, I’ve farted audibly exactly twice. The first time, I was at a wedding and just before the bride said, “I do,” I let out a real screecher. It was very embarrassing, particularly since I was the best man. The second time was at a funeral, just after I finished giving the eulogy. Things had gone well until that point, but a string of bubbly farts ruined the somber atmosphere. Needless to say, for a moment I wished the funeral had been my own.
I tell you this, Professor Yeti, because I’m getting married next week and am deathly afraid that a gastro-intestinal faux-paus will ruin the happiest day of my life. Do you have any advice? I don’t know what to do because in all other situations, I never fart.
Frankie Feckle, Sparks, Maryland
Dear Frankie,
I will try to use the word “buttocks” as seldom as possible. But your thinking of your rear so often before your wedding is unhealthy. So what if you’ve had two regrettable bum-related incidents? If the incidents were the result of nervousness, the best solution would be to avoid being nervous about them happening again. And if they were sheer statistical improbability, I’ve calculated the chance of such an incident happening again as miniscule: in the past ten years you’ve been alive 315,360,000 seconds and I estimate that during only four of those seconds has loud gas been emanating from your tush: you’ve allowed noisy steam out the caboose only 0.0000013 percent of the time! Don’t worry!
I know my advice comes across as insensitive and as an oversimplification, but if you look at it from my perspective, you’ll see that the problem is more hilarious than serious, and such an attitude should prevent another noxious flare-up.
Yours,
Professor Yeti
Professor Yeti is a world-famous expert and advice columnist. Please send correspondence to: professoryeti@professoryeti.com.
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