Professor Yeti

I’ve always loved the Winter Olympics. But this year I noticed a sport I’d never seen before, biathlon. It sparked my interest. Then I learned that it was a sport where people shoot targets after skiing for long distances.

Now, I grew up in Michigan, and people there like to hunt. Even so, I am not a fan of biathlon. It just seems like two things that were tacked together with no thought to whether they meshed or not, so I went around making fun of biathlon for being a ridiculous sport. I even went so far as to say curling made more sense. Then last week I looked up some of the sports under consideration by the Olympic Committee. Have you heard of korfball? I sure as hell hadn’t. To make matters worse I still don’t know what korfball is - I tried to find out so that I could make fun of it. I went and looked it up, figuring anything called korfball would be funny enough for me to poke fun at for an article for Professor Yeti. And you chicken shits were too afraid to tell me what it was!

Hey, korball people! I’m calling you out. You and I are gonna rumble unless you can tell me what the hell korfball is. Maybe that’s why the Olympic Committee won’t let you play in any Olympic Games. I went to the website and now all I know is that your sport was invented by a gym teacher and you have a net. You just make the rules up as you go, don’t you? It’s like Calvin ball.

Come on, now, even tug of war knows what it is. Yeah. Tug of War. It was a fucking Olympic sport for a while. Bunch of dudes pulling on the rope, and there was a gold medal for it. I looked it up, not that I can do that for korfball.

But let’s face it, the biggest problem you’re facing is the fact that you call your sport korball. That doesn’t really sound like sport. I mean, if you tell me one of the following is an Olympic sport: topless women’s rugby or korball, I’m actually going to choose topless women’s rugby. What does that tell you about the name korfball? You wonder why biathlon is in and you aren’t? Biathlon just sounds Olympic. It’s nice and simple: bi-athlon. Two athlons . . . which I think means sport . . . I don’t know. I’m drunk right now, what do you want from me, korfball? I hope it’s not respect, because I’m too drunk for that. You drove me to this korfball, your bullshit sport made so little sense I said, “I need a drink . . .”

Hell, you’re in the same category as chess. Chess, while really complicated and amazing, is not a sport. When was the last time you saw someone weight training for chess? And you aren’t any more valid than chess. Actually you’re less valid than chess because chess already has international support. I don’t even know why chess feels it needs to be an Olympic sport. It seems like a bad idea all around.

Word to the wise, chess people. If it does become an Olympic sport, the U.S. will dump scads of cash into becoming internationally dominant. From there it’s just a short step to Mountain Dew sponsoring it and someone moving “Ra6-g6″ screaming “Extreme!” and flipping the table. . . .

Actually, I’d pay to see that.

Ian Macleod would never pay to see korfball.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 16th, 2006 at 5:35 pm and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.