Professor Yeti » Blog Archive

“The Hobby”

The woman is on her back on a bed which, though seen in pictures from many days, is never given the honor of a pillow or a sheet. There is only a white mattress pad and a beige bed skirt; perhaps to provide the illusion that the bed is ever slept in would be a sort of harlequin romanticism that would inspire only derision. There is no silk and crushed velvet here; the woman is likely unfamiliar with the sound of the surf resounding off the shores of Crete; I imagine the scent of attar of roses would provoke in her the peal of shrill laughter that it deserves. Her room has white walls and brown carpet and is of the sort that gives the word “anonymous” a feeling of untethered hope. This is not an anonymous room; an anonymous room can exist anywhere; this room can only exist near bypass freeways and decaying thoroughfares and places where beauty is fugitive and ugliness of the utmost convenience.

The photographs are distinctly unpicturesque. Ostensibly they’re advertisements, but I can’t think of them that way. If they were, there would be some aesthetic consciousness at work, which there is not. If they were advertisements, I could only get a feeling of pity from the wireless phone headset that sits, discarded, next to the woman’s thigh. (Then I imagine a director ordering his crew to heap the shot with detritus. “There. Can we get the mouthpiece to stick up in the air? Good. Now throw that A/C adapter onto the foot of the bed, will you? There, that’s better, thanks.”) It’s only as grainy webcam still-lifes that these pictures are reflective. One showcases the woman’s chest, another her legs, and in a third she appears to be applying to herself a large, benign object in the shape of a giant leek. In three separate pictures, standing out clearly in the background, propped up in the corner of the bed between two walls, are a white teddy bear with blue and white ribbons and a child’s toy microphone.

The Craigslist Review Board holds the sort of subculture that begs to be explored, though probably from afar. Last month I noticed a reference to the CRB in a local urban weekly, and I don’t think voyeurism is such a bad sin that I wasn’t going to take a look. The Craigslist Review Board sounds like it might be some sort of ombudsman agency that independently oversees whether or not that set of TV trays that you bought for $35 were really worth a quarter of that. Instead, the Craigslist Review Board is a public forum that functions primarily as a compendium of customer reviews of prostitutes. It is a sort of evolved Usenet newsgroup, one which might have once been named alt.sex.prostitution.pacnw, and its core membership are the discerning johns of Seattle and Portland, and to a lesser extent, other cities, and, to a surprising extent, the prostitutes themselves.

The CRB is not risque: it gives a feeling of the comfortably mundane. Nor is it unbelievable: I will happily spend several hours researching what $3 second-run movie is going to best satisfy me, so who would be surprised that a man would desire an educated choice on a $200/hour form of illegal entertainment, and create a community to fill his need? The CRB is somehow intrinsically captivating. It is the sort of subculture that hypnotizes even in its banality; like Holcomb, Kansas and quadriplegic rugby, it’s a documentary waiting to get made. It is intrinsically contradictory and perfectly simple and, in a way, so familiar in what it reveals that it redeems the inquiry of even its most slumming voyeurs. I couldn’t encapsulate it in a hundred pages, but here are a few interesting aspects:

Lingo

The lingo and jargon of CRB is pervasive, because it ostensibly serves a vital purpose: preventing self-incrimination. A prostitute is no longer a prostitute but a provider; a john is a hobbyist. It’s hard to believe that this verbal tiptoeing really prevents law enforcement stings, but I can think of another use it has, which the following example may illustrate. This is a review template that all men who post reviews on the CRB are strongly encouraged to use:

AD TITLE:

NAME:
GENERAL LOCATION:
INCALL OR OUTCALL:
AGENCY OR INDEPENDENT:
AGE:
PHOTO MATCH:
RACE:
FACE:
BODY TYPE:
CARPET:
HAIR:
EYES:
TATTOOS:
SCARS:
MOANER OR A SCREAMER:
ENERGY LEVEL DURING THE SESSION:
MULTI SHOTS DURING THE HOUR:
KISSES:
SPEAKS FRENCH:
LISTENS to FRENCH:
FS:
GREEK:
BIRDWATCHING:
CLOCK WATCHER?:
PHONE:
EMAIL:
WEBSITE:
DONATION:
RECOMMEND:

It seems it would be easy to fill out this checklist and not feel seedy. This is particularly true if you answer the jargon questions with further jargon: a regular answer for the carpet question is “landing strip.” At this point, you aren’t really describing the color and form of a woman’s pubic hair so that a fellow man can know it prior to having paid sex with her, but rather you’re exercising your charming lexicon of hobbyist jargon so that your fellow hobbyist or teammate can puncture the feminine mystery with a full arsenal of helpful information. (I say “teammate” because this bit of sports terminology is common: a hobbyist who solicits an unproven provider and has a bad experience quickly moves to warn the community and is patted on the head and thanked for TOFTT — taking one for the team.) The experience is not hiring a prostitute, it is “the hobby,” no different than building model trains. Hobbies are intrinsically boyish and innocent, and the collective attempt to make prostitution seem this way is what gives CRB its strained air of fascinating mundaneness. Hobbyist jargon also gives the board a humorous aspect, as when someone posts a review with a description like: “We had a long and drawn out kissing and fondling session that I really enjoyed and then had a very nice session of DATY. After some more kissing and petting (my idea) J—- provided a very nice and satisfying BBBJTCCIM.” DATY is an acronym for “Dining at the Y,” which you might be able to puzzle out the meaning of. It’s also explained in the CRB’s unofficial glossary, here.

Community Warmth

The first thread I found when visiting the CRB for the first time was posted by the woman whose photographs I tried to describe above. It announced that her dog had just had puppies. Like any board, the CRB is a community that often lives outside of its intended purpose, and its grim sexual fantasy world is often and easily thrown aside in favor of glimpses into more innocent corners of life. The worlds of the seedy and the decent coexist easily, and often humorously: the first responder to the puppy post had the message: “Congratulations!! I’m so jealous . . . I really want to adopt a puppy soon. Please post pics when you can!!” This was attached to the tagline: “I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me. — Hunter S. Thompson.” The CRB is more friendly than debauched, and more utilitarian than romantic. Its poses are sometimes hard, and its reality is even harder, but it is fundamentally a supportive community. Three days before her puppies were born, the same woman went in for surgery on pre-cancerous cells, and posted about it.

The Women

It’s commonly mentioned that the most sought-after women on the CRB have risen to that status because they “love their work.” I feel kind of morally obligated to grimace at this idea; any man who believes a prostitute loves her work is blinding himself to reality in the most despicably self-serving way. This is true even if she does love her work. That possibility can’t be discounted, but it’s not letting anybody off the hook. The women who are most active on the CRB all have this love attributed to them; it goes hand-in-hand with their prestige, which goes hand-in-hand with their complicity. The most active providers on the CRB seem to attain the role of the madams of the community: they keep up friendly chit-chat with the men, dispense wisdom, squash rumors and squabbles, and warn the community against outsider providers who market dishonestly or engage in dangerous practices. They seem so benevolent that I wonder if it’s a put on. The prices that providers may charge fluctuate greatly with the strength of their reviews and their community presence, so a woman both liked and skilled stands to gain substantially. Just as there’s a men’s-only section of the board for veteran hobbyists, there’s a women’s-only area for providers. I’d give a lot to see what goes on there. I can understand why a woman would like to foster true and open friendship with her clients even apart from the money: prostitution is a world more frightening than I can comprehend from my comfortable little room, and security and rapport must have great currency there. Still, part of me wonders, and frankly hopes, that somewhere in a hidden area men aren’t getting off quite so easy. In a community where women can be openly criticized for the shape of their pubic hair, you get wistful for the thought of a clandestine forum in which all the meanness of men is ridiculed and held to account, and “the hobby” is sympathetically but systematically tried and found utterly guilty.

Chivalry

You might be surprised to find chivalry alive and well in a place devoted to the idea of holding every conceivable aspect of female behavior, anatomy and performance up to criticism, but then again, perhaps chivalry exists most strongly in the places where the gender gap is widest, and in that case it is not so unexpected that the CRB should be full of it. Most men display some tact in their reviews: the provider is likely to read and respond to them, after all. Perhaps the gloves come off in the private forum for veteran hobbyists, but in the public realm any overly crass or scathing review is likely to be countered by the presence of a “white knight,” a poster who speaks up in defense of the criticized provider. Since all reviews are subjective, it’s sometimes hard to make a criticism stick. One hobbyist complained that the woman he met had bad acne, to which she responded that she had no acne, and a second hobbyist, curiously, agreed. The true kindness of their impulses is nothing if not debatable, but most men tend to softball their criticisms, or account for the subjectiveness of their own opinion by including the tag YMMV: “your mileage may very.”

Sometimes the men appear downright courtly, which must make them only more reprehensible to some, but which is also kind of touching in its affectedness. One hobbyist, in the course of a most unusually dapper review of a provider, which became somewhat controversial due to its unexpected adherence to the principle of discretion — he wouldn’t tell if she did the greek or how much donation she requested — posted the opinion: “Quality is not cheap gentlemen.” Another equally dapper gentleman replied to this with the salvo: “This one statement deserves a rousing response. It is a complete canard.” Are these hobbyists behaving like country gentlemen at a pheasant hunt to hide powerful insecurities, or strengthen their self-delusion? Perhaps, but I’m still sympathetic. In another review, the “quality is not cheap” gentleman ends his review with a poignant farewell. It had been a mixed review, in which he summed up the chilly bedroom energy between he and his provider by saying, “I thought she had died.” But it seems the experience touched the gentleman known only as “ltdude” in a place paradoxically more important than the bedroom. He felt what a woman’s worth was, and his own worth, and ends his review by writing: “If you ever want a friend that is twice your age and three times your weight, I am your man. She is so cool and so pretty and so classy. I would love to go out with her in public and then just kiss her good night at the door.”

Chris Leslie-Hynan has solicited women in a truly despicable place: MySpace!

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 5th, 2006 at 9:12 pm and is filed under Features. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

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