Professor Yeti

I think I need to find a therapist. It’s getting entirely too easy to send me into a panicky fugue state these days. Now I know what you’re going to say: “But Ian, you’re Jewish. I’ve seen those Woody Allen movies where he runs around acting all paranoid and neurotic.” Well shut your cake holes. I’ve got a whole new flavor of crazy to lay out here.

Let me paint a scenario for you. I will use watercolors. Three days ago I was in the cheese section of Kowalski’s. I don’t usually go there, because it’s so much more expensive than the Rainbow grocery that’s four blocks down the street, but Kowalski’s is even closer — only a block away. They also have a better fancy cheese selection. I was looking to pick up some Huntsman, which is Stilton smashed together with something yellow to create a delicious mash of flavor.

I’m standing in the aisles looking over the cheese and I think, aw, hell, I’ll just get another flavor as well. I can afford to live a little and get two fancy cheeses with which to enjoy myself. Then I started looking over the new options that presented themselves. Kowalski’s does not have a cheese selection that is so large as to cause a problem, normally.

Unfortunately three days ago something was a little wrong in my head. I was busy weighing a wedge of mushroom Brie in my hand when the cheese-monger walked up to me and asked if there was anything he could do. At that same moment my eye coasted across a chunk of cheese that I have since determined had sage in it.

“Your cheese is green,” I screamed, as I shoved the wedge of Brie in the man’s face. I then ran out of the store and hid in a shed behind my house for an hour.

But really what’s sad is not how I behaved. It’s that I was relieved that I didn’t act in a stereotypically Jewish manner. No one was going to say: “Typical Jew . . . always shoving Brie in people’s face.” Everyone knows we shove Muenster.

Ian Macleod Jello wrestles society’s stereotypes, leaving horrible images burned into your brain.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 6th, 2006 at 9:17 pm and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.