Fleeting Fame, Fleeing Flu
Dear Professor Yeti,
I am worried about the avian flu. Any tips for avoiding it?
Florence Lawrence, New York City
Dear Florence,
First of all, get out of the city! You’re substantially more likely to catch a communicable disease if you have lots of human contact (yeti contact, on the other hand, helps improve your immune system and prevents illness). As you probably know, door knobs, dish rags and phone handsets are breeding grounds for germs, bacteria and all kinds of microscopic critters most foul. Cities, obviously, have the highest density of door knobs, dish rags and phones, not to mention a whole lot of people intent on sneezing on you on the subway, coughing into the salad bar, and so on.
And don’t forget, if you must pick your nose, do it with your non-dominant hand, the one that hasn’t been touching everything. Otherwise, you’re pretty much putting the germs right where they need to go to kill you instantly.
Head for the hills!
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
I was on a bunch of magazine covers a couple months back, being hailed as the next great American sports star. So then, I go to the Olympics and party like a champ and ski better than like 90 percent of the American public could do, but happen to not pick up any crappy souvenir medals. Hell, anyone can get one of those. The curlers got some of those things, for fuck’s sake. But now I’m like this big pariah and everyone hates me and all that love is gone. How can I get my mojo back?
B. Miller, Colorado
Dear B.,
I know, I know — it’s hard to focus on skiing when there are so many things to see and people to do. But it seems to me that when Nike builds a whole ad campaign around you — Nike, a company of considerable clout, a company that may or may not have signed a swoop-adorned contract with the devil in its quest for world domination, a company that can make you The Man or snap you in half like a parched twig — well, B., perhaps you should exert some effort so as not to get on their bad side. It’s not that you failed the American public. You failed Nike. If I were you, I would be very wary of mysterious skiing “mishaps” such as being left on the ski lift overnight. That, not repairing your “mojo,” should be your major concern.
Just stay away from Paris Hilton,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
The end is near! Beware, buy wares!
Pete “Mister Wicker” Goldchains, Buffalo, New York
Dear Pete,
The end of what? If you wish me to be alarmed or to purchase goods, you will have to provide more details; fanning the flames of my concern is a difficult task indeed in this absurd and distressing world. I presume that you intend to capture my attention via your clichéd opening line, and to then coax me to exchange my hard-earned cash for your products, which products I further presume to be made of wicker.
This seems as good an opportunity as any for me to state a matter of utmost importance: there is no greater affront to intelligence and style than wicker. You will note that if you were to change the last consonant of the word to the fourth letter of the alphabet, you would have the word “wicked.” I find it distinctly uncouth to attempt to animate consumer goods by assigning them moral values or human dispositions, but in this case, I think the label applies, though perhaps it is not strong enough.
I am, however, in the market for a leather ottoman.
Sofa, so good,
Professor Yeti
Dear Professor Yeti,
What’s up with the Napoleon Dynamite’s continued role in the cultural spotlight? I was just in a convenience store buying some Tab (it’s back!) and on the counter by the cash register, they were selling Napoleon Dynamite pens; I also still see people wearing those stupid “Vote for Pedro” shirts. What gives? Hasn’t that rusty-Brillo-pad-for-a-hairdo moper worn out his welcome by now?
Marcus Drury, Trumball, Connecticut
Dear Marcus,
Has Odysseus worn out his welcome? Beowulf? Hamlet? I hesitate to put young Mr. Dynamite in the category with these noble gents, but you must remember that some characters, real or imagined, stay famous for far more than their Warhol-allotted fifteen minutes. Further, as astute viewers of the film will have no doubt noticed, each set piece in Napoleon Dynamite subtly parodies tales proffered by great writers in their lesser-known works. For example, the character LaFawnduh is clearly based on Mistress Page in Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor. More provocatively, the key scenes involving Napoleon’s flirtations with Deb and the student council candidacy of Pedro are lifted almost wholesale from Machiavelli’s La Mandragola.
You may have all of my taters,
Professor Yeti
Professor Yeti is a world-famous expert and advice columnist. Please send correspondence to: professoryeti@professoryeti.com.
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