Professor Yeti » Blog Archive » “I Love These”

“I Love These”

Last Thursday I went to dinner at the house of my friends, the Tanakas. I arrived for dinner at the appointed hour and had a small dinner gift with me. The table was already set, to my great chagrin. In the center of the table was a bowl of something that looked just like chicken fetus and smelled exactly like the frog I reluctantly dissected in 7th grade. (Just as a side note, my dissection partner was someone I did not like, so the smell didn’t have any pleasant social connotations, either.)

I stared forlornly at the bowl hoping I could just will it away. My host saw me staring and asked in a delighted voice what I thought it might be. On closer inspection, I noticed something purple poking through a hole in the top of the ball-shaped object.

“I love these,” he said with a massive grin on his face.

At this moment I was torn: Do I actually take a guess and risk insulting my host? Or do I admit that I am, in fact, too scared to ponder the answer to the question? I stare at the pasty white skin, its almost perfect roundness, the weird white tubes poking out of sides, and most alarmingly of all, the strange purple bumps I can see just under the surface of the skin and peeking out from the center hole. In the end, I decide to say I have no idea.

My host immediately asks me to pick it up and put it in my mouth. I reluctantly agree. It tastes like nothing. Not as in “nothing I have ever had before,” but seriously like nothing. However, it still smells faintly of some failed science experiment, and as it turns out, the purple bits are exceptionally hard. Once I have wrapped my lips around it and acquiesced to the picture, Mr. Tanaka tells me that the little ball of yuk! Is actually the mouth of an octopus.

Here I must ask: Is nothing sacred? Is there no end to what will be pulled from the sea and ingested in this country? Just when I think I been put through every possible form of sea-related culinary displeasure, something new makes its way to bowl or plate near me.

So now I am left with this slippery ball of crap and have to somehow force myself to eat it or risk offense. Mr. Tanaka gleefully points out that the hard purple bit is actually octopus beak and tells me not to eat it. The trick, apparently, is to peel the muscle away from the beak with your fingers and try not to vomit as you swallow (I added the last part). I begin the marathon of peeling the muscle away, but soon discover I am unfortunately too weak to get it off with my fingers. Which leaves only one option. To my humiliation, I must pick up the ball and chew on it to get the bits off. I cannot bring myself to do this all at once, so periodically over the course of meal, I chew on my pasty, white octopus mouth.

Eventually, I can actually see the beak (this does not make it, better by the way) and am mildly relieved that at least I am reaching the home stretch. I decide to try the pulling it apart again, as it is really bothering me to pick it up, chew some off, and put it down again. I can feel the beak judging me.

Thank goodness mom isn’t watching — it would make her so sad. As I am trying to pull the beak apart with my fingers, it suddenly snaps shut, bouncing out of my hands and hitting me in the face; from there it picks up speed and lands on my upper thigh (where it leaves some pretty disgusting residue) and then proceeds to fall on the floor. I try to look mortified at my mistake, but am actually so happy I could dance and possibly sing (not anything long, but certainly some “Head and Shoulders” or a chorus from Tears for Fears).

And, sadly, since it fell on the floor and I also “accidentally” stepped on it while trying to pick it up (so sad), I do not have to finish it.

Our correspondent, now based in Canada, would be happy to help you find your very own octopus mouth.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 15th, 2006 at 10:36 pm and is filed under Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

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