Professor Yeti

Five Names to Give to a Giant

Igor
Big-Boned Barry
Cecil
Treetop McGee
House-Smashing Harry

Five Trucks

Dump
Pickup
Mack
Garbage
Cement

Five Potentially Sexual Words that are Also Found at the Dinner Table

Breast
Tomato
Wiener
Rump
Melons

Five Reasons You’re in a Straightjacket

The pistol you were holding
The sexy nurse lingerie you were wearing
The illegally imported python around your waist
The sedated orangutan in the corner
And that teddy bear you were making […]

Five Things Not to Do with a Faberge Egg

Boil it
Crack it
Put ketchup on it
Attempt to eat it
Throw it out the window

Five Great Men Who Most Likely Did Not Wear Underpants

Julius Caesar
Christopher Columbus
Jesus
Mitch Hedberg
Isaac Newton

Five Reasons to Get Old

AARP membership
That much closer to the grave
Excuse for bad driving
No longer have to worry about birth […]

Five Lizards and Why They’re Great

Gila monster (known to eat humans)
Newt (humorous reminder of Mr. Gingrich)
Gecko (Geico commercials)
Alligator (longest surviving dinosaur)
Five-lined skink (can re-grow tail)

Five Natural Disasters That Did Not Occur in 2005

Plague of locusts
Massive asteroid strike on major city
Hell freezing over
Tsunami of Savings at Gordy’s Above-Ground Pools
Poles suddenly reversing

Five States Spelled Backwards

Aksala
Ippississim
Oiho
Nogero […]

Five People Who You’d Never Guess Did Yoga

That big fat-ass who always waddles into McDonalds and orders four Big Macs, hold the mayo
Yogi Berra
The pizza-delivery boy
Those three middle-aged chain smokers in the women’s bowling league
Kid Rock

Five Things That Are Totally Not Classy

Eating potato chips at the grocery store while waiting in […]

Five Ways to Save

Bike it
Eat in
Go to second-run movies
Turn down the heat

Five Things that are Almost Ungodly

Satin
Joseph Heller
Ladies
2004 Pontiac DeVille
Loose fur

Five Reasons to Not Watch Television

Commercials
Idiotic programming
Hardball with Chris Matthews
Cable is too expensive
Other things to do

Five Books […]

Five Reasons to Rush

Impending deadline
You’ve made a habit of it
You got to go to the bathroom so bad
Late for anniversary dinner
Alligators . . . must escape alligators!

Five Baltimore Neighborhoods

Poppleton
Pigtown
Ridgely’s Delight
Waverly
Better Waverly

Five ways to ingest illicit substances

Inject
Smoke
Place on eyelid
Swallow
Snort

Five words that make you even hungrier

Delicious
Succulent
Meaty
Filling
Savory

Five Alliterative and Insulting Additions to the Names of Your Co-workers

Dunderheaded (Donald)
Pissy (Patrice)
Jaundiced (Jill)
Tomato-faced (Terrance)
Jackass (Johnny)

Five Items that Are Unwelcome in the Home

Maggots
Guns
Car insurance bills
Wolves
Rotten vegetables

Five More Alliterative and Insulting Additions to the Names of Your Co-workers

Wench-y (Wendy)
Half-Pint (Harry)
Butt-faced (Bill)
Cadaverous (Carrie)
Nitpicking (Nancy)

Five Ways to […]

Five Things We’ll Never Speak Of Again

Yesterday
A certain relative we used to talk to
July 15th, 1995
The addiction you used to have
The Borgstrum fiasco

Five Items of Furniture

Chest of drawers
Desk
Couch
Bookshelf
Easy chair

Five American Cities That Many Consider Dangerous

Detroit
Gary, Indiana
New York City
Compton, California
Washington D.C.

Five Well-known Artists That Nobody Has Ever Heard Of

Rachel Whiteread
Barnett Newman
Kara Walker
Richard […]

Five Comic Strips From A Long Time Ago

Krazy Kat
The Tours of Dr. Syntax
Foxy Grandpa
Mutt and Jeff
Hairbreadth Harry

Five Reasons to Quit

Financial incentive
Significant other demands it
Health
Chance to prove will-power
Socially embarrassing to continue

Five Attractive State Quarters

Minnesota (loon, fishermen, lake)
Connecticut (oak tree)
Vermont (maple syrup)
Maine (lighthouse)
Iowa (Grant Wood painting)

Five Ways to Use the Word […]

Five Things That Stick to Other Things

Tongue, to frozen pole
Post-It Note, to wall
Gorilla Glue, to anything, supposedly
Wet shirt, to back
Peanut butter, to the roof of your mouth

Five Places to Get Pierced (Price As Listed at Saint Sabrina’s Parlor in Purgatory)

Clitoral hood ($45.00)
Ear ($12.00 per, $20.00 for both)
Nasal Septum ($35.00)
Scrotum ($35.00)
Bellybutton […]