Four Fives

March 16th, 2006

Five Names to Give to a Giant

  1. Igor
  2. Big-Boned Barry
  3. Cecil
  4. Treetop McGee
  5. House-Smashing Harry

Five Trucks

  1. Dump
  2. Pickup
  3. Mack
  4. Garbage
  5. Cement

Five Potentially Sexual Words that are Also Found at the Dinner Table

  1. Breast
  2. Tomato
  3. Wiener
  4. Rump
  5. Melons

Five Reasons You’re in a Straightjacket

  1. The pistol you were holding
  2. The sexy nurse lingerie you were wearing
  3. The illegally imported python around your waist
  4. The sedated orangutan in the corner
  5. And that teddy bear you were making out with

The Brave New World of Health Savings Accounts

March 16th, 2006

President Bush thinks you have too much health insurance. That is, if you have any at all. He has placed Health Savings Accounts (HSAs) at the center of his health policy agenda — a decision premised on the idea that people need less health insurance, not more.

Of course, this isn’t how the administration has framed its proposals. The standard lineup of conservative boosters talks about increasing “choice” and empowering consumers; it has taken plain-speaking bloggers like Josh Marshall of Talking Points Memo to put Bush’s underlying aims so starkly.

The idea that the President thinks Americans are over-insured seems so laughable that it is easy to dismiss this argument as just a partisan interpretation of his motives. But looking at the details of HSAs leaves little doubt that their purpose is the opposite of insurance. Here’s how it works: Employers put employees in health plans, where they are responsible for more of the costs than they are at present. In exchange, workers are allowed to contribute pre-tax earnings into their own HSA, sometimes with a company match. When there are medical costs, you pay them with money from the HSA.

The idea is that once consumers are paying for health care with their own money, the market will work its magic and the health sector will become a lot more efficient, with lower prices and improved services. This perhaps works well inside an economics textbook, but there are a few of reasons why it won’t work that way in the real lives of millions of Americans.

For one, a basic premise of the HSA concept is that people with insurance are overusing health care because they are not forced to pay the full cost. If you are lucky enough to have insurance, ask yourself if that’s true. Do you run to the doctor’s office a couple times a month even though you’re not sick just because you like having your tongue depressed? Do you get that free colonoscopy you’re entitled to even if the doc says it’s not necessary? Me neither.

Getting people to use even the employer-subsidized insurance or government-subsidized care available to them is one of those issues health professionals fret about. Most people don’t enjoy receiving health care; they get it because they need it (and often don’t get it even then). If we add an additional market incentive to avoid going to the doctor, the complications afflicting people who are not getting the care they need would far outweigh — in both human suffering and cash — the savings gained by weeding out the occasional unnecessary MRI or Prozac prescription.

Market competition between firms doesn’t work very well in the world of health care, either. Much of the time, medical care is not a product where you can take the time to comparison-shop. You go to the nearest hospital when you get a bellyache, and the surgeon might end up taking your appendix out before you have time to call around to check prices. Even when a procedure is elective, consumers usually don’t have access to the kind of information that would allow them to judge the relative quality of different providers. Even if the market became more transparent, the basic problem would still be that few people besides doctors would understand enough to make an informed decision. A future when you choose your hospital for heart surgery with Amazon.com-style product reviews is hard to imagine. (“St. Thomas Health Center fixed me up great. The food’s pretty good, too!”)

So Bush and his team are relying on some very wishful thinking about what their plan can do for efficiency. But more malicious is the intentional class bias of HSAs. You can’t put tax-free money away in a health account if you need every penny to make ends meet day to day. The tax incentive on HSAs turns out to be a tax cut for people with enough cash to set aside, meaning folks who are upper middle class and higher. Everybody else just winds up paying more health costs out-of-pocket, and probably forgoing some needed care. As a sop to this inequity, Bush’s proposal offers a refundable HSA tax credit for the poor (you can get more in a health credit refund than you paid in taxes), but that wouldn’t erase the harm done to the working poor, and would still leave the lower middle class far worse-off than they were before HSAs.

Fortunately, most lawmakers seem about as interested in Bush’s HSA proposal as they were in his Social Security reforms. The White House seems to realize that it’s a hard sell — reports prior to the State of the Union address said HSAs would be a major emphasis, but they had fizzled to a mention by the time the speech was given. But if the Bush Administration somehow regains its political capital, a push for HSAs is likely.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that President Bush can’t see the real solutions to the health care crisis because of his ideological blinders; a broader program of social insurance is out of the question for him. But is it too much to ask that he leave alone the insurance that we do have?

Teague Lyons is a grad student in public policy at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore.

A Superhero Named Kirby

March 16th, 2006

Superheroes are supposed to be invincible, but today I learned they are not. Kirby Puckett, centerfielder extraordinaire, number 34 for my hometown heroes, the Minnesota Twins, died today.

Kirby (everyone from Minnesota was on a first-name basis with him) had a stroke yesterday, Sunday, March 5, 2006. I heard about it on the radio, read about it online, and promptly forgot about it. I wasn’t worried. Like Batman or Superman, Kirby was more myth than man, a consummate good guy who could vanquish evil (in his case, the Atlanta Braves of 1991) and who always, always emerged victorious. A stroke? Ha! No problem for a man of such might! He’d recover in no time at all! In fact, it would probably somehow cure his glaucoma, which forced him into retirement in 1996! Forty-five might be a bit old for a comeback, but, hell, it was possible. In fact, I’ve been holding out hope for his triumphant return for the last ten years.

Superheroes aren’t supposed to die, after all; there is always a sequel. I yearned for just one more glimpse of that fire hydrant body chopping the ball down the left-field line or defying gravity to levitate over the center-field wall, yielding a grimace and an obscene exclamation from the foiled slugger who had already begun his home run trot. Just one more game, just one more at-bat, just one more glimpse of the baby-faced man of infectious cheer and textbook swing. Please.

But that won’t happen because Kirby Puckett, number 34, my superhero, died today.

I can’t believe how upset I am. For one thing, I am an adult now, well beyond the age at which true reverence for sports stars is considered acceptable. Kirby’s been out of uniform for ten years now, and his reputation took some major blows a few years back after allegations of sexual assault and infidelity. In the decade since I last saw him play ball, grew up and Kirby became a rather more enigmatic, less charming character than the figure I had idolized.

And yet, even as I realized he was morally fallible, I still thought, somehow, impossibly, that he was indeed physically invincible. I still believed in superheroes until a few hours ago. Now, I’m not quite sure what to believe.


I’m told by certain reliable sources that one day, when I was very young, I declared to the world that I wanted to change my name to Kirby, because that was “a good name for a baseball player.” I was never particularly athletic, so I’m guessing that my logic was that I could become hero-like through association.

This, after all, is the why superheroes matter. They teach us to aspire to the impossible, which, though foolish, is a necessary dream of youth; without it, there is no wonder, there is no real joy, there is no awe. Through superhero-worship, we are vicariously powerful, talented, famous, heroic. Kids need superheroes. They need that reassurance of happy endings, of good triumphing over evil, even in metaphor. Even in such trivial pursuits as a game involving leather spheres and wooden clubs.

In 1991, when I was ten years old, the Twins made it to the World Series. The previous year, they had finished last in their division, so their success was made all the merrier by virtue of being wholly unexpected. The Twins had won the Series four years earlier, in a classic seven-game series against St. Louis, so the Twin Cities felt no particular sense of being owed a championship. But we still believed as much as any diehard member of Red Sox Nation, and we still took pride in our boys, especially Kirby. Here was a short, rather squat young man with a boyish grin, a wicked swing, and an unexpected grace in his patrolling of the outfield. Baryshnikov’s leaps, I promise, could not compare to the grace of Kirby Puckett flying through the air, especially with the game on the line. His most famous flight came in Game 6 of the ’91 Series, when he swept through the air, Peter Pan of the outfield, seemingly hovering just a few inches from the wall, and caught what would very probably otherwise have been an extra-bases, game-winning, series-ending hit.

Kirby was a superhero, you see, and he could control history, as he did that night. He seemed to know that my father and I had tickets to Game 7, and that I and countless other Twins fans desperately wanted just one more game, just one more chance to win the Series. So he caught that ball, because superheroes always give you a happy ending; they always leave the wide-eyed kid thrilled and elated and aware that all is right with the world. And a few innings later, for the same reasons, he smacked a walk-off home run that won the game and forced deciding Game 7. As the ball soared over the fence and the Metrodome erupted in an eardrum-rupturing roar, TV announcer Jack Buck said, “Aaaand we’ll see you tomorrow night!”

The next day was one of the greatest, most memorable of my life. Game 7 of the World Series, for a ten-year-old who adores baseball and believes that superheroes exist, and play baseball, and play for his team, his little ol’ small-market team . . . well, it doesn’t get much better than that. I cannot imagine the heartbreak that would have come if the evil Braves had won; the agony would have been unbearable. But superheroes don’t disappoint, and Kirby and his sidekicks vanquished those no-good Braves in 10 innings, with Jack Morris pitching a complete-game shutout and good ol’ reliable Gene Larkin smacking a fat pitch over the heads of the drawn-in Braves outfield, allowing mullett-headed Dan Gladden to score from third.

But now Kirby Puckett, my superhero, has died. I still have the memories, many of them vivid, all of them wonderful, of watching him on TV and in person. I still have all of his baseball cards — the major brands from every year, as well as a bunch of obscure ones — and a Wheaties box my grandfather had him sign at Spring Training one year, one of my most cherished mementos.

My childhood idol is dead, which I guess means I’m truly no longer a child. I knew that I was not, of course, but I feel that in some odd way, this robs me of some modicum of innocence and wonder. The Twins of yesteryear, and my youth spent watching them, are now officially gone, remaining only as happy but far-off memories, embalmed in nostalgia.

Never again will I hear those magical words, the happiest that could be heard by a ten-year-old in a certain time and place: “Now batting, number 34 . . . Kiiiir-beeeee PUCK-iiiitt!!”

Doug Mack’s second-favorite baseball team is the Cubs. Send 2006 World Series predictions to doug@professoryeti.com.

“I Love These”

March 15th, 2006

Last Thursday I went to dinner at the house of my friends, the Tanakas. I arrived for dinner at the appointed hour and had a small dinner gift with me. The table was already set, to my great chagrin. In the center of the table was a bowl of something that looked just like chicken fetus and smelled exactly like the frog I reluctantly dissected in 7th grade. (Just as a side note, my dissection partner was someone I did not like, so the smell didn’t have any pleasant social connotations, either.)

I stared forlornly at the bowl hoping I could just will it away. My host saw me staring and asked in a delighted voice what I thought it might be. On closer inspection, I noticed something purple poking through a hole in the top of the ball-shaped object.

“I love these,” he said with a massive grin on his face.

At this moment I was torn: Do I actually take a guess and risk insulting my host? Or do I admit that I am, in fact, too scared to ponder the answer to the question? I stare at the pasty white skin, its almost perfect roundness, the weird white tubes poking out of sides, and most alarmingly of all, the strange purple bumps I can see just under the surface of the skin and peeking out from the center hole. In the end, I decide to say I have no idea.

My host immediately asks me to pick it up and put it in my mouth. I reluctantly agree. It tastes like nothing. Not as in “nothing I have ever had before,” but seriously like nothing. However, it still smells faintly of some failed science experiment, and as it turns out, the purple bits are exceptionally hard. Once I have wrapped my lips around it and acquiesced to the picture, Mr. Tanaka tells me that the little ball of yuk! Is actually the mouth of an octopus.

Here I must ask: Is nothing sacred? Is there no end to what will be pulled from the sea and ingested in this country? Just when I think I been put through every possible form of sea-related culinary displeasure, something new makes its way to bowl or plate near me.

So now I am left with this slippery ball of crap and have to somehow force myself to eat it or risk offense. Mr. Tanaka gleefully points out that the hard purple bit is actually octopus beak and tells me not to eat it. The trick, apparently, is to peel the muscle away from the beak with your fingers and try not to vomit as you swallow (I added the last part). I begin the marathon of peeling the muscle away, but soon discover I am unfortunately too weak to get it off with my fingers. Which leaves only one option. To my humiliation, I must pick up the ball and chew on it to get the bits off. I cannot bring myself to do this all at once, so periodically over the course of meal, I chew on my pasty, white octopus mouth.

Eventually, I can actually see the beak (this does not make it, better by the way) and am mildly relieved that at least I am reaching the home stretch. I decide to try the pulling it apart again, as it is really bothering me to pick it up, chew some off, and put it down again. I can feel the beak judging me.

Thank goodness mom isn’t watching — it would make her so sad. As I am trying to pull the beak apart with my fingers, it suddenly snaps shut, bouncing out of my hands and hitting me in the face; from there it picks up speed and lands on my upper thigh (where it leaves some pretty disgusting residue) and then proceeds to fall on the floor. I try to look mortified at my mistake, but am actually so happy I could dance and possibly sing (not anything long, but certainly some “Head and Shoulders” or a chorus from Tears for Fears).

And, sadly, since it fell on the floor and I also “accidentally” stepped on it while trying to pick it up (so sad), I do not have to finish it.

Our correspondent, now based in Canada, would be happy to help you find your very own octopus mouth.

Fleeting Fame, Fleeing Flu

March 15th, 2006

Dear Professor Yeti,

I am worried about the avian flu. Any tips for avoiding it?

Florence Lawrence, New York City

Dear Florence,

First of all, get out of the city! You’re substantially more likely to catch a communicable disease if you have lots of human contact (yeti contact, on the other hand, helps improve your immune system and prevents illness). As you probably know, door knobs, dish rags and phone handsets are breeding grounds for germs, bacteria and all kinds of microscopic critters most foul. Cities, obviously, have the highest density of door knobs, dish rags and phones, not to mention a whole lot of people intent on sneezing on you on the subway, coughing into the salad bar, and so on.

And don’t forget, if you must pick your nose, do it with your non-dominant hand, the one that hasn’t been touching everything. Otherwise, you’re pretty much putting the germs right where they need to go to kill you instantly.

Head for the hills!

Professor Yeti


Dear Professor Yeti,

I was on a bunch of magazine covers a couple months back, being hailed as the next great American sports star. So then, I go to the Olympics and party like a champ and ski better than like 90 percent of the American public could do, but happen to not pick up any crappy souvenir medals. Hell, anyone can get one of those. The curlers got some of those things, for fuck’s sake. But now I’m like this big pariah and everyone hates me and all that love is gone. How can I get my mojo back?

B. Miller, Colorado

Dear B.,

I know, I know — it’s hard to focus on skiing when there are so many things to see and people to do. But it seems to me that when Nike builds a whole ad campaign around you — Nike, a company of considerable clout, a company that may or may not have signed a swoop-adorned contract with the devil in its quest for world domination, a company that can make you The Man or snap you in half like a parched twig — well, B., perhaps you should exert some effort so as not to get on their bad side. It’s not that you failed the American public. You failed Nike. If I were you, I would be very wary of mysterious skiing “mishaps” such as being left on the ski lift overnight. That, not repairing your “mojo,” should be your major concern.

Just stay away from Paris Hilton,

Professor Yeti


Dear Professor Yeti,

The end is near! Beware, buy wares!

Pete “Mister Wicker” Goldchains, Buffalo, New York

Dear Pete,

The end of what? If you wish me to be alarmed or to purchase goods, you will have to provide more details; fanning the flames of my concern is a difficult task indeed in this absurd and distressing world. I presume that you intend to capture my attention via your clichéd opening line, and to then coax me to exchange my hard-earned cash for your products, which products I further presume to be made of wicker.

This seems as good an opportunity as any for me to state a matter of utmost importance: there is no greater affront to intelligence and style than wicker. You will note that if you were to change the last consonant of the word to the fourth letter of the alphabet, you would have the word “wicked.” I find it distinctly uncouth to attempt to animate consumer goods by assigning them moral values or human dispositions, but in this case, I think the label applies, though perhaps it is not strong enough.

I am, however, in the market for a leather ottoman.

Sofa, so good,

Professor Yeti


Dear Professor Yeti,

What’s up with the Napoleon Dynamite’s continued role in the cultural spotlight? I was just in a convenience store buying some Tab (it’s back!) and on the counter by the cash register, they were selling Napoleon Dynamite pens; I also still see people wearing those stupid “Vote for Pedro” shirts. What gives? Hasn’t that rusty-Brillo-pad-for-a-hairdo moper worn out his welcome by now?

Marcus Drury, Trumball, Connecticut

Dear Marcus,

Has Odysseus worn out his welcome? Beowulf? Hamlet? I hesitate to put young Mr. Dynamite in the category with these noble gents, but you must remember that some characters, real or imagined, stay famous for far more than their Warhol-allotted fifteen minutes. Further, as astute viewers of the film will have no doubt noticed, each set piece in Napoleon Dynamite subtly parodies tales proffered by great writers in their lesser-known works. For example, the character LaFawnduh is clearly based on Mistress Page in Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor. More provocatively, the key scenes involving Napoleon’s flirtations with Deb and the student council candidacy of Pedro are lifted almost wholesale from Machiavelli’s La Mandragola.

You may have all of my taters,

Professor Yeti

Professor Yeti is a world-famous expert and advice columnist. Please send correspondence to: professoryeti@professoryeti.com.

Dreams, Culture, and Car Crashes

March 6th, 2006

Imagine a Porsche flying off an embankment and colliding with a gasoline truck. What does it mean? Is it important? Is it commonplace? Would your interpretation be different if I told you it was a scene in a movie? What would it mean then? Well, in Don DeLillo’s novel White Noise, Murray Jay Siskind describes cinematic car crashes as the pursuit of an ideal: “The movie breaks away from complicated human passions to show us something elemental, something fiery and loud and head-on. It’s a conservative wish-fulfillment, a yearning for naiveté . . . It’s a celebration. A reaffirmation of traditional values and beliefs . . . Look past the violence . . . There is a wonderful brimming spirit of innocence and fun.”

This, it seems, is a broad and apt sociological analysis, but what if the car crash were viewed in a dream — literally while you were asleep? Is it different then? An outdated theory says that humans process, deal with, and understand their insecurities and rationalizations during dreams — in dreams they confront what they’re forced to ignore during the course of their waking hours. A pop-psych analysis of the crash: the violence and explosion represent latent anger and insecurity, the car’s descent off the embankment is representative of the dreamer’s emotional plunge following the death of a loved one, and the resulting fireball is emblematic of the dreamer’s own fear of death.

It’s curious: such an interpretation would never be taken seriously if one were simply interpreting a movie, but dream interpretations, by dint of dreams’ inherent personalization, are imbued with a heightened sense of importance. This strikes me as a bit off. Dreams, though a vast and important aspect of human thought, are misused, misinterpreted and often given too much psychological weight. In part, we have one Sigmund Freud to blame for this problem — some of his misinterpretations are still ingrained in our popular conception of dreams. In one example, Bert O. States, in his book Seeing in the Dark, points out that the stereotypical symbolism of dreams (given to us by Freud) doesn’t work very well beyond sex. This is because human genitalia (which is supposedly the symbol of sexual feelings) has archetypal shapes, while emotions such as anger have no such concomitant shapes — cucumbers and hula-hoops can symbolize sex, but what symbolizes anger? And if anger’s not found as a concrete symbol, maybe it wasn’t a part of the dream . . .

Such a limited and frequently-applied toolbag can be directly credited to overemphasis on Freud’s theories, as can the idea that the subconscious is some sort of living entity “beneath” the conscious mind. As States puts it: “Many people still think of the unconscious in a fairly literal way, that is to say as a thing that, if unlocatable in brain space, is still capable of sending cryptic messages from some sort of a neuronic transmitter cruising silently in the dark alleys of the brain.” But this is simply not true. There aren’t two centers of thought; it’s all one brain. The best way to think of the process is this: images and connections are constantly happening in the unconscious mind and frequently they appear before the conscious mind via a neurological stimulus. The conscious mind then considers and either dismisses or embraces the images accordingly. But the unconscious is not doing any separate “thinking” on its own — it is a merely a storage repository of ideas and sensory experiences.

For example: you’re in the grocery store talking to a person you’ve not seen for several years, and then you happen to exclaim “Peanut butter!” realizing that, in getting carried away in your conversation, you almost forgot to pick up the peanut butter. This does not mean that your unconscious mind was fretting away, mumbling, “Peanut butter, peanut butter, we’re going to forget the peanut butter!” and was finally able to force the idea into your conscious brain. What likely happened was that some visual (or other) stimulus crossed you brain’s processing center (perhaps, out of the corner of your eye, without realizing it, you saw the proper aisle) and your brain, instead of (as it usually does) dismissing the peripheral image as unimportant, realizes that this image is associated with something you’d been thinking about recently. So, as a complete surprise, your brain retrieves it and you think, “Peanut butter? What?” and then you realize: you have to buy peanut butter, and so you shout, “Peanut butter!”

The unconscious doesn’t do “work” but rather associates what’s on the brain with sensory experiences in a haphazard and unconventional way, sheerly by random neural firings related to outward stimuli. When an interesting or worthwhile association comes along, the brain recognizes it and uses it consciously. And so when people say it’s best to forget about a problem (such as a complicated math problem) and let it “work itself out in the subconscious,” what’s happening is that the thinker is allowing the problem to be associated with all sorts of related ideas, permutations, and sensory experiences that the thinker has already consciously understood, but perhaps not yet put together in the proper sequencing. In other words, the subconscious doesn’t come up with new ideas, but only strange associations of old ideas — it uses what you already know as fodder for the creation of a series of mental randomalia. And, naturally, if you’ve been thinking a lot about a particular problem, aspects of that problem will come up frequently in the randomalia simply because the problem is fresh in the brain.

This is very similar to what happens when you dream. There’s not some midget, wringing his hands behind the scenes and directing the action, trying to create an interpretable narrative that gives a convoluted but unmistakable message. Rather, your brain calls up an image of one thing and then relates it to another (whether by obvious or unobvious means) and continues this process for a period of time. The images are related by the senses in unusual fashion — for example a grain of sand connects to a grade-school teacher for reasons that aren’t necessarily thought-out or evident. Meanwhile, as you’re watching these images, you think about them.

It’s peculiar: when you’re awake all sorts of imagines and sounds and so forth bombard your senses. You can consider or not consider them as you wish. Same as when you dream: you’re experiencing, as though real, a series of sensory experiences and you react to them as you see fit. You have a sort of dual consciousness and this is perhaps the most fascinating part of dreaming: you’re not controlling the images that come before you — they’re simply the scenery you’re living amongst and reacting to. When you’re dreaming, you are in a second world.1

A small sampling of some current dream research: Earnest Hartmann points out in Dreams and Nightmares that when a person dreams, he or she has thinner boundaries between mental categories than when conscious — unorthodox connections are made between seemingly unrelated objects. For example, when conscious, people generally think linearly, such as A leads to B which leads to C which then leads to D, whereas, when dreaming, A, B, C, and D are all interconnected and related on an equal plane — there’s no sense that one has to lead to the next and the next. As you may expect, this characteristic of thin mental boundaries can carry over into consciousness — certain people have much thinner boundaries than others. To stereotype, people with thin boundaries are generally artists of some sort, while those with the thickest mental boundaries are generally engineers of some sort. This might seem like a minor and obvious difference, but the degree of difference is rather astounding: the daydreams of people with thin mental boundaries are as bizarre and full of as many eccentric connections as the sleeping dreams of people with thick mental boundaries.

In fact there’s a test you can take, called the Boundary Questionnaire that tests exactly how thin or thick your mental boundaries are. The test is a modern-day melding of science, sociology, and entertainment — through it you can simultaneously learn about yourself, other people, and dreams. But, despite the existence of such new, science-based tests, there still exist tomes such as Julia and Derek Parker’s Complete Book of Dreams, which reads like a horoscope. For example, about brooch pins, the book says: “. . . If it was being admired in the dream, you may be pleased with yourself. Similarly, if you were receiving a medal for some achievement, your dreams are hinting that you are on the right track in waking life, and that you will ‘win.’ A brooch is often called a pin: in that context, someone may be trying to pin something on you, or to blame you unfairly.” The entire book is cross-indexed, and one of the authors (Mrs. Parker) has previously worked as a professional astrologist. Certainly, not everyone takes these sorts of books seriously, but plenty of people spend time with the books: they get published, and judging by how many make their way into the St. Paul public library system, they get read.

Which is too bad: tealeaf reading is entertaining enough, but it obscures the complexity and individuality of specific dreams, and ignores what’s actually happening as we dream. It seems most of us (including me, before I did research for this article) think of dreams mainly in terms of direct conduits to understanding concrete repressed desires on the part of the dreamer. Such an outdated understanding is a gross oversimplification — dreams, most researchers now believe, don’t relate to repressed desires. And while, of course, they do relate to the dreamer’s emotions, the imagery they produce is regurgitated entirely from sights, sounds, and memes encountered throughout waking consciousness.

So it seems that pop culture touchstones such as movies have more to say about popular and individual consciousness than dreams do. Which is why cultural commentators (such as the character Murray Jay Siskind), who interpret pop and spend time analyzing how and why people react to their surroundings, can come up with probing psychological analyses of people’s behavior. They deal with tangible, reproducible things, so it only makes sense — if you like watching car crashes in the movies and then you go home and dream about car crashes, which is more logical: 1. You dreamt about car crashes because you have some sort of peculiar death wish intertwined with a fear of high speeds and a childhood affinity for Tonka trucks or 2. You dreamt about car crashes because you watched a bunch of them earlier in the day? Presumably the latter, and it’s people like Siskind who get to the root of the issue: they study and try to figure out why you watched the car crashes in the first place.

Alex Starace (alex@professoryeti.com) has for years had a recurring dream in which he can fly.


1. This entire idea is described in full in Bert O. States’ Seeing in the Dark — much credit for this essay is due him and I’m here citing him as the major source in the first two-thirds of my essay.

The Meaning of Memoir

March 6th, 2006

“A memoir, at its heart, is written in order to figure out who you are.”
—Sean Wilsey from Oh, the Glory of It All

When I was in high school, I had a fabulous poetry teacher. One day in class we were discussing a poem that described an event from the poet’s childhood. My teacher asked us to think about which was more important: telling the truth about the event, or ensuring that the poem was well written and effective even at the expense of accuracy. One of my classmates raised his hand and said that it was most important for the poet to tell the truth. This made no sense to me, and still doesn’t. Sometimes the facts have to be altered for the sake of the art: it seems far more important that the poet write something beautiful and true, even if making it true means altering the facts.

Admittedly, the expectation of truth is much higher when one writes an autobiography instead of a poem. By definition, a memoir is the recounting of the events of a person’s life. There is an implied contract between the writer and the reader: the writer will tell a meaningful truth, and the reader will listen and accept that truth. It is acceptable to re-create dialogue, change names, and offer opinions, but the underlying assumption is that the author is making an effort to be as truthful as possible. But what if an autobiographer willfully changes verifiable facts? What if he changes unverifiable facts? And does it make a difference if fudging facts of either kind makes for a better book?

Thanks to Oprah, the boundary between memoir and fiction has become a matter of national import. James Frey, author of one-time Oprah book A Million Little Pieces, has become a memoir martyr. He was shamed on Larry King Live, Oprah’s talk show, and all over the national media after the website The Smoking Gun discovered that he had fabricated or significantly exaggerated a number of events in the book, including an assault on a police officer. There is no denying that Frey made up an awful lot of stuff, and to make it worse, he agreed to appear on one of the most popular talk shows on television and say that it was all true. Frey crossed the line, but where was it that his indiscretion occurred? Was it in the writing of falsities or was in his naive (or perhaps greedy) decision to draw so much attention to himself?

In a recent Publishers Weekly article, memoirist Jeannette Walls wrote:

Anyone who writes a memoir is asking to be called a liar. Folks in Limerick, Ireland, claimed that Frank McCourt made up whole sections of Angela’s Ashes. Sean Wilsey’s stepmother sent a letter to the publisher of Oh, the Glory of It All claiming that the book contained more than 30 “actionably defamatory statements of fact.” And last month, Augusten Burroughs was sued by members of his adoptive family, who charged that in his bestselling memoir Running with Scissors, he had “fabricated events that never happened and manufactured conversations that never occurred.

If there were a 24-hour fact checker for every memoir published, I think the same allegations would be made of almost all of them. Here’s the rub: I’m willing to bet that most of the time, readers neither want to know, nor care a great deal, about whether or not what they are reading is entirely true. Even a memoir has to deliver as a good read.

The problem is that people are often emotionally affected by memoir, especially one about as troubled a life as that of James Frey or memoir sensation Dave Pelzer. People want to identify and sympathize with the author, and when readers find out they’ve been lied to, they feel personally affronted. Oprah felt “duped.” But that meant she was affected, which also means that the book was ultimately successful in its purpose.

There do have to be standards. There has to be a line between memoir and fiction; unfortunately defining that line is incredibly difficult. Perhaps it’s impossible. Clearly, though, in the court of public opinion, James Frey’s inaccuracies were one too many. The Smoking Gun says that Frey exaggerated or made up eight pages of material. The book is 448 pages long, so that’s about two percent of the total. That seems like an awfully small percentage. Perhaps the sense of outrage is so universal because Frey’s alterations seem so self- serving: less an aid to his story and more an aid to his ego. Or maybe it’s because Oprah told us to feel that way.

I am beginning to think the difference between memoir and fiction is a bit like the difference between art and pornography: you know it when you see it. The real question about memoir appears to be a matter of how much untruth people are willing to accept before they feel their contract with the writer has been broken. People have to admit that A Million Little Pieces was successful in its purpose, as were Angela’s Ashes and Running with Scissors. And for all 482 pages of Oh, the Glory of it All, Sean Wilsey had my rapt attention. I’m sure that there are some falsities in its pages, but I accept them as necessary for the story. I think he was trying to tell the truth, but every writer has a conscious or unconscious agenda. To steal a line from the character Miracle Max in The Princess Bride: “There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive.” And mostly true is only slightly false. I’ll take that.

Rachel Rubin isn’t really sure what she thinks about the Frey fiasco, but she sure likes thinking about it.

Indecision in the Aisles

March 6th, 2006

I think I need to find a therapist. It’s getting entirely too easy to send me into a panicky fugue state these days. Now I know what you’re going to say: “But Ian, you’re Jewish. I’ve seen those Woody Allen movies where he runs around acting all paranoid and neurotic.” Well shut your cake holes. I’ve got a whole new flavor of crazy to lay out here.

Let me paint a scenario for you. I will use watercolors. Three days ago I was in the cheese section of Kowalski’s. I don’t usually go there, because it’s so much more expensive than the Rainbow grocery that’s four blocks down the street, but Kowalski’s is even closer — only a block away. They also have a better fancy cheese selection. I was looking to pick up some Huntsman, which is Stilton smashed together with something yellow to create a delicious mash of flavor.

I’m standing in the aisles looking over the cheese and I think, aw, hell, I’ll just get another flavor as well. I can afford to live a little and get two fancy cheeses with which to enjoy myself. Then I started looking over the new options that presented themselves. Kowalski’s does not have a cheese selection that is so large as to cause a problem, normally.

Unfortunately three days ago something was a little wrong in my head. I was busy weighing a wedge of mushroom Brie in my hand when the cheese-monger walked up to me and asked if there was anything he could do. At that same moment my eye coasted across a chunk of cheese that I have since determined had sage in it.

“Your cheese is green,” I screamed, as I shoved the wedge of Brie in the man’s face. I then ran out of the store and hid in a shed behind my house for an hour.

But really what’s sad is not how I behaved. It’s that I was relieved that I didn’t act in a stereotypically Jewish manner. No one was going to say: “Typical Jew . . . always shoving Brie in people’s face.” Everyone knows we shove Muenster.

Ian Macleod Jello wrestles society’s stereotypes, leaving horrible images burned into your brain.

“The Hobby”

March 5th, 2006

The woman is on her back on a bed which, though seen in pictures from many days, is never given the honor of a pillow or a sheet. There is only a white mattress pad and a beige bed skirt; perhaps to provide the illusion that the bed is ever slept in would be a sort of harlequin romanticism that would inspire only derision. There is no silk and crushed velvet here; the woman is likely unfamiliar with the sound of the surf resounding off the shores of Crete; I imagine the scent of attar of roses would provoke in her the peal of shrill laughter that it deserves. Her room has white walls and brown carpet and is of the sort that gives the word “anonymous” a feeling of untethered hope. This is not an anonymous room; an anonymous room can exist anywhere; this room can only exist near bypass freeways and decaying thoroughfares and places where beauty is fugitive and ugliness of the utmost convenience.

The photographs are distinctly unpicturesque. Ostensibly they’re advertisements, but I can’t think of them that way. If they were, there would be some aesthetic consciousness at work, which there is not. If they were advertisements, I could only get a feeling of pity from the wireless phone headset that sits, discarded, next to the woman’s thigh. (Then I imagine a director ordering his crew to heap the shot with detritus. “There. Can we get the mouthpiece to stick up in the air? Good. Now throw that A/C adapter onto the foot of the bed, will you? There, that’s better, thanks.”) It’s only as grainy webcam still-lifes that these pictures are reflective. One showcases the woman’s chest, another her legs, and in a third she appears to be applying to herself a large, benign object in the shape of a giant leek. In three separate pictures, standing out clearly in the background, propped up in the corner of the bed between two walls, are a white teddy bear with blue and white ribbons and a child’s toy microphone.

The Craigslist Review Board holds the sort of subculture that begs to be explored, though probably from afar. Last month I noticed a reference to the CRB in a local urban weekly, and I don’t think voyeurism is such a bad sin that I wasn’t going to take a look. The Craigslist Review Board sounds like it might be some sort of ombudsman agency that independently oversees whether or not that set of TV trays that you bought for $35 were really worth a quarter of that. Instead, the Craigslist Review Board is a public forum that functions primarily as a compendium of customer reviews of prostitutes. It is a sort of evolved Usenet newsgroup, one which might have once been named alt.sex.prostitution.pacnw, and its core membership are the discerning johns of Seattle and Portland, and to a lesser extent, other cities, and, to a surprising extent, the prostitutes themselves.

The CRB is not risque: it gives a feeling of the comfortably mundane. Nor is it unbelievable: I will happily spend several hours researching what $3 second-run movie is going to best satisfy me, so who would be surprised that a man would desire an educated choice on a $200/hour form of illegal entertainment, and create a community to fill his need? The CRB is somehow intrinsically captivating. It is the sort of subculture that hypnotizes even in its banality; like Holcomb, Kansas and quadriplegic rugby, it’s a documentary waiting to get made. It is intrinsically contradictory and perfectly simple and, in a way, so familiar in what it reveals that it redeems the inquiry of even its most slumming voyeurs. I couldn’t encapsulate it in a hundred pages, but here are a few interesting aspects:

Lingo

The lingo and jargon of CRB is pervasive, because it ostensibly serves a vital purpose: preventing self-incrimination. A prostitute is no longer a prostitute but a provider; a john is a hobbyist. It’s hard to believe that this verbal tiptoeing really prevents law enforcement stings, but I can think of another use it has, which the following example may illustrate. This is a review template that all men who post reviews on the CRB are strongly encouraged to use:

AD TITLE:

NAME:
GENERAL LOCATION:
INCALL OR OUTCALL:
AGENCY OR INDEPENDENT:
AGE:
PHOTO MATCH:
RACE:
FACE:
BODY TYPE:
CARPET:
HAIR:
EYES:
TATTOOS:
SCARS:
MOANER OR A SCREAMER:
ENERGY LEVEL DURING THE SESSION:
MULTI SHOTS DURING THE HOUR:
KISSES:
SPEAKS FRENCH:
LISTENS to FRENCH:
FS:
GREEK:
BIRDWATCHING:
CLOCK WATCHER?:
PHONE:
EMAIL:
WEBSITE:
DONATION:
RECOMMEND:

It seems it would be easy to fill out this checklist and not feel seedy. This is particularly true if you answer the jargon questions with further jargon: a regular answer for the carpet question is “landing strip.” At this point, you aren’t really describing the color and form of a woman’s pubic hair so that a fellow man can know it prior to having paid sex with her, but rather you’re exercising your charming lexicon of hobbyist jargon so that your fellow hobbyist or teammate can puncture the feminine mystery with a full arsenal of helpful information. (I say “teammate” because this bit of sports terminology is common: a hobbyist who solicits an unproven provider and has a bad experience quickly moves to warn the community and is patted on the head and thanked for TOFTT — taking one for the team.) The experience is not hiring a prostitute, it is “the hobby,” no different than building model trains. Hobbies are intrinsically boyish and innocent, and the collective attempt to make prostitution seem this way is what gives CRB its strained air of fascinating mundaneness. Hobbyist jargon also gives the board a humorous aspect, as when someone posts a review with a description like: “We had a long and drawn out kissing and fondling session that I really enjoyed and then had a very nice session of DATY. After some more kissing and petting (my idea) J—- provided a very nice and satisfying BBBJTCCIM.” DATY is an acronym for “Dining at the Y,” which you might be able to puzzle out the meaning of. It’s also explained in the CRB’s unofficial glossary, here.

Community Warmth

The first thread I found when visiting the CRB for the first time was posted by the woman whose photographs I tried to describe above. It announced that her dog had just had puppies. Like any board, the CRB is a community that often lives outside of its intended purpose, and its grim sexual fantasy world is often and easily thrown aside in favor of glimpses into more innocent corners of life. The worlds of the seedy and the decent coexist easily, and often humorously: the first responder to the puppy post had the message: “Congratulations!! I’m so jealous . . . I really want to adopt a puppy soon. Please post pics when you can!!” This was attached to the tagline: “I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me. — Hunter S. Thompson.” The CRB is more friendly than debauched, and more utilitarian than romantic. Its poses are sometimes hard, and its reality is even harder, but it is fundamentally a supportive community. Three days before her puppies were born, the same woman went in for surgery on pre-cancerous cells, and posted about it.

The Women

It’s commonly mentioned that the most sought-after women on the CRB have risen to that status because they “love their work.” I feel kind of morally obligated to grimace at this idea; any man who believes a prostitute loves her work is blinding himself to reality in the most despicably self-serving way. This is true even if she does love her work. That possibility can’t be discounted, but it’s not letting anybody off the hook. The women who are most active on the CRB all have this love attributed to them; it goes hand-in-hand with their prestige, which goes hand-in-hand with their complicity. The most active providers on the CRB seem to attain the role of the madams of the community: they keep up friendly chit-chat with the men, dispense wisdom, squash rumors and squabbles, and warn the community against outsider providers who market dishonestly or engage in dangerous practices. They seem so benevolent that I wonder if it’s a put on. The prices that providers may charge fluctuate greatly with the strength of their reviews and their community presence, so a woman both liked and skilled stands to gain substantially. Just as there’s a men’s-only section of the board for veteran hobbyists, there’s a women’s-only area for providers. I’d give a lot to see what goes on there. I can understand why a woman would like to foster true and open friendship with her clients even apart from the money: prostitution is a world more frightening than I can comprehend from my comfortable little room, and security and rapport must have great currency there. Still, part of me wonders, and frankly hopes, that somewhere in a hidden area men aren’t getting off quite so easy. In a community where women can be openly criticized for the shape of their pubic hair, you get wistful for the thought of a clandestine forum in which all the meanness of men is ridiculed and held to account, and “the hobby” is sympathetically but systematically tried and found utterly guilty.

Chivalry

You might be surprised to find chivalry alive and well in a place devoted to the idea of holding every conceivable aspect of female behavior, anatomy and performance up to criticism, but then again, perhaps chivalry exists most strongly in the places where the gender gap is widest, and in that case it is not so unexpected that the CRB should be full of it. Most men display some tact in their reviews: the provider is likely to read and respond to them, after all. Perhaps the gloves come off in the private forum for veteran hobbyists, but in the public realm any overly crass or scathing review is likely to be countered by the presence of a “white knight,” a poster who speaks up in defense of the criticized provider. Since all reviews are subjective, it’s sometimes hard to make a criticism stick. One hobbyist complained that the woman he met had bad acne, to which she responded that she had no acne, and a second hobbyist, curiously, agreed. The true kindness of their impulses is nothing if not debatable, but most men tend to softball their criticisms, or account for the subjectiveness of their own opinion by including the tag YMMV: “your mileage may very.”


Sometimes the men appear downright courtly, which must make them only more reprehensible to some, but which is also kind of touching in its affectedness. One hobbyist, in the course of a most unusually dapper review of a provider, which became somewhat controversial due to its unexpected adherence to the principle of discretion — he wouldn’t tell if she did the greek or how much donation she requested — posted the opinion: “Quality is not cheap gentlemen.” Another equally dapper gentleman replied to this with the salvo: “This one statement deserves a rousing response. It is a complete canard.” Are these hobbyists behaving like country gentlemen at a pheasant hunt to hide powerful insecurities, or strengthen their self-delusion? Perhaps, but I’m still sympathetic. In another review, the “quality is not cheap” gentleman ends his review with a poignant farewell. It had been a mixed review, in which he summed up the chilly bedroom energy between he and his provider by saying, “I thought she had died.” But it seems the experience touched the gentleman known only as “ltdude” in a place paradoxically more important than the bedroom. He felt what a woman’s worth was, and his own worth, and ends his review by writing: “If you ever want a friend that is twice your age and three times your weight, I am your man. She is so cool and so pretty and so classy. I would love to go out with her in public and then just kiss her good night at the door.”

Chris Leslie-Hynan has solicited women in a truly despicable place: MySpace!

On Living in London

March 4th, 2006

Americans love London. Maybe it’s the millennia of history that’s lacking in our own country, or perhaps it’s just the accent. Either way, it’s impossible to get through a day in this city without hearing an American accent. American tourists flock to London in droves (I’m constantly giving them directions); hundreds of American university students descend on London every six months to study (their Nalgene bottles give them away); and vast quantities of Americans, who probably at some point in their lives were either tourists or students in London and fell in love with the city, end up moving here (guilty as charged).

So far, I’ve really enjoyed living in London. Many of the things that first sparked my love affair with the city — the history, the architecture, the cosmopolitan feel — still resonate with me. But I would be lying if I said that the romantic ideas I had about the city and how perfect my life here would be all came true; with the good came some unexpected and some bad. The truth is that London is an unwelcoming, difficult city to live in, and getting settled here requires massive amounts of energy, patience, and self-motivation. If you’re not completely sure this is where you belong, you could be in for some tough times.

Although the city did come together on the day of the July 7th bombings, London, in general, is a city of highly independent people. If lost, Londoners would sooner die than ask for directions, and when it comes to helping others, they will not volunteer information unless explicitly asked. It’s not that Londoners are unfriendly; it’s just that they value their space and privacy and prefer not to get involved other people’s affairs. While this is a cultural aspect I’ve actually grown quite fond of, I must admit that it does make settling into the city (especially as a foreigner) incredibly hard. Getting the necessary information out of people — such as immigration issues, registering for the National Health Service, opening a bank account — requires asking very specific questions, as the person behind the counter will usually assume if you didn’t ask about it, you already knew it and will not provide you with any extraneous information. Moving here, you must be prepared to do your research and constantly ask questions, which is exhausting — especially after life in America, where all information is generally given to you upfront. But here, if you don’t ask, you will never get the help you need.

Without a doubt, though, the hardest thing about living in London is the expense. Yes, yes, everyone knows London is expensive, and tourists and study abroad students do get a taste of that infamous blow to the savings account when they’re here. But, you don’t really know just how expensive this city is until you live here. Rents, utilities, transportation costs, even cups of coffee, are all absurdly expensive. Low salaries and high taxes don’t help matters, either. And while there are perks to the high tax rates — the National Health Service, for instance — it is difficult watching your paycheck melt away into taxes and basic living expenses. Unless you’re earning pots of pounds, you really have to budget your recreational activities, which can be incredibly frustrating after a while — especially so for the activities you are passionate about. Fortunately, many Londoners live the tight-budget life and are clued-in to the bargains, so it’s easy enough to find someone to commiserate with and learn from.

In addition to the expense, London’s sprawling size and difficulty of navigation can be hard to adjust to. With winding roads, narrow backstreets, and no concept of a city block system, learning your way around the city takes some time, and no matter how street-smart you become, you can never leave home without consulting a street map first. This was an especially difficult adjustment for me to make after being spoiled by the smallness of Washington, D.C., where everything is easy to find and only an inexpensive 20-minute cab or Metro ride away. And while I love big cities and the fact that you can live in London for years and still be discovering new things about the city, London’s sprawl does get to me; I do sometimes wish things were closer together, and that it took less time and energy to get across the city or commute to work.

Indeed, London’s size and crowdedness can make going out an exhausting, logistical nightmare. Taxis are ludicrously expensive, and the buses are too slow if you are in a hurry, thanks to the gridlock that never seems to dissipate, no matter how high the Congestion Charge (a toll for driving in Central London) rises. That leaves you with the Tube, which when it works correctly is fantastic, but when there are problems (which is the case more often than not) can cause massive delays. The Tube also closes at midnight, which can put you in a bit of a bind if you haven’t thought ahead to which buses run after midnight and which routes will get you home. Factor in waiting for the correct night bus and having to hit all the stops, and it can easily take up to an additional hour to get home. The amount of effort it takes just for a simple night out can definitely be a deterrence to one’s social life.

Lastly, winter in London is a depressing time. Not because of the grey weather (the weather here doesn’t discriminate — it’s grey in the summer, too), but because of the shortness of the days. In the deepest months of winter, London only gets about nine hours of daylight, with the sun rising around 7:00 am and beginning to set by 3:30 pm. And by 4:00 in the afternoon, it’s almost completely dark. Sitting at work and watching the horizon start to darken at 3:30, knowing that you still have at least two to three hours of work still ahead of you is a terrible feeling. What’s even worse is if you decide to sleep in on the weekends, as the later you sleep, the less daylight you get to enjoy (although it is excellent motivation to become a morning person). The payoff, though, is that in the summer it doesn’t get dark till around 9:30, which is indeed a wonderful thing (and can really throw off your dinner time). But, I’m not entirely sure it’s worth it, given the months of feeling like you’re living a double life as a vampire.

Nothing is ever quite how you imagine it will be, and the vision of what I thought my life in London would be versus the reality of living here is no exception. In addition to the troubles above, there are cultural issues that I’ve struggled with as well — the relaxed work ethic, the emphasis placed on alcohol, and the importance of social class in British society are just a few of unexpected cultural differences I didn’t initially think would bother me, but now do. Yet, despite my complaints (what’s an American without complaints, anyway), I do feel at home here. And for all my relatively minor criticisms, there’s so much that I love about London and English culture — the internationalism and cultural awareness, the arts, the sense of humor, the socialist/liberal ideals — that the good really does cancel out the bad. The London I envisioned in my head before moving here doesn’t exist; but the London I’m living in now isn’t bad at all.

Jesse Alter (jesse@professoryeti.com) recently calculated just how much he spends on the Tube in a year: £856. Yeah, London’s frekkin’ expensive.